Hey kids, you need to start worrying a little less about getting “#mogged” and a little more about getting “#smogged”. This is an Air Quality Index public service announcement.

[recommending something i sincerely love] ok so the thing about it is it kinda sucks

when you tell them you're all out of smackarels and all you get back is that hundred-acre stare

“word hashtag my word #myword” has done irreversible damage to my vocabulary

the position of the mischevious pig marks the hours

Sometimes this account posts mistaken digital census transcriptions, so I always check before sharing, but in this case it is exactly right (although his last name was spelled Fagot, and probably pronounced "fah-GO")

the jimmy summer palette has dropped

if i was a soccer player i'd simply kick that ball in the goal instead of wasting everyone's time

our idiotic ancestors used to believe stuff that's not true but luckily we've now figured out all the true things to believe in