with love, Wendy ♥

It's been a long journey in this housewifery life of mine, this year marks my fourteenth year of being a stay at home mom, the longest job I've had in my 37 years of existence, and recently I really got to thinking.. and ranting, and just loathing this life of mine. I know a lot of ladies would love to be in my shoes, and all I can say is the grass is always greener on the other side. I too am full of envy, of how they can take charge of their life, have a purpose to fulfil, be financially supportive or independent instead of someone like me.. Truth to be told, I think my biggest problem is I don't have a purpose in life, or anything that makes me want to achieve for myself. Because my life is all about living for others; my kids, my husband and all the cats in my life. What about me? What do I want to do? Rain or shine, holiday or no holiday, weekday or weekend.. my life is exactly the same. The expectations of me are of the same. So what's my life for? I am too free but not free at the same time that I am able to constantly dwell in this type of "too free nothing to do" kind of thoughts that my mental health has been.. not the best. There is this guilt of being too free but you know you are an essential part of the family. The downside of being a stay at home mom is... the things I do might see minimal but without someone like me micromanaging, multi tasking, jack of all trades, nothing in the family will be able to function.

Just take a day in my life as an example, from the moment I wake up, I am expected to get the kids up, while quickly scramble something up for a quick breakfast, and the usual rushing, nagging, screaming, threatening, dash out of the house to beat the morning rush hour traffic as best as possible. And at the same thing, laying out my tasks of the day, what do I need to cook? What essentials do I need to stock up? Is today a stayback at school day? Am I following my husband out for work today? Will today be dinner at home or out? If yes, what can I cook in 1-2 hours upon arriving home...

So many things my brain is just constantly spinning.. and it's been like this since the kids grew up. Things are more serious now with hardknocking homework involved, serious pep talks about why the dismal score during the recent midterm exams.. it's not just going to kindergarten to play and learn ABC's anymore..

I find myself constantly hovering at my kids doing their homework or rallying them back to their homework while I myself am scrambling all over the house preparing dinner or cleaning the house, it's a never ending ordeal..

So what am I here for? Am I just a multitasking servant?

Many times, I saw people so engrossed in work on their laptops and iPad's looking all serious and focused with something to achieve and here I am.. just doom scrolling on Instagram or Facebook while waiting for my husband to work until it's time for the school pick ups. The unproductive useless feeling that I am consumed with.. like I could be like them, working on something that generates income but I am just.. wasting my time way. With zero productivity.

Can I just say I am so tired.. so so so so so tired.. of just constantly being stuck in this bubble. Yes, it's a dream for many but this dream of mine is just a neverending loop of tasks, that constantly repeats itself in multiple facets and angles.

I just want to wake up and not do anything, I want to have food ready for me instead of people expecting me to get food on the table, I want to stop making decisions and telling people what to do.

Haven't been here in a while and it's already nearing the end of 2025...

As usual, my life's still the same ol' same ol', another year but it's more of less the same, with slightly hormonely charged kids and more brain cells dying in the process of reasoning with them.

I feel like the older I get, the foggier my brain gets; like my once very sharp capacity for memory is just a fog of blur now, I can remember specks and shards of something but never in full detail. For most of my days, I always have this agonizing frustrated with life feeling, like why am I like this, why can't I be free, why am I so unmotivated in life, why do I not feel adequate, why am I so trapped in this endless cycle of "housewifing"? I used to be someone who is full of ideas, full of energy, having the ability to find joy and excitement in the smallest things but now.. I feel like a candle that's totally burnt out. I might have a lot things and am able to do many things that I couldn't do in my younger days but why do I always carry this heavy feeling with me all the time... my shoulders feel literally heavy, my head feels dull and I just don't feel happy in general. Or maybe that's my way of self preserving what I still have. Like a defense mechanism? Definitely do not feel any bright and spright for sure anymore. I'm turning 37 this year, like what? Can't help it but to think at the back of my mind... what if? What if I didn't have kids? Would I be the trophy wife following my husband on his business trips and just be eternally on a holiday? or would we be digital nomads, living in and out of countries of our choice just because.. the freedom to pursue my once loved hobbies; art and crafts, traveling, to be able to buy the Chanel Mini Square of my dreams, to be able to fully concentrate on learning a new language and not get distracted by daily chores.

What if? On a better note, while I am the dullest housewife/mom/person ever.. my husband never ceases to put me first although I should be a bit more enthusiastic when it comes to being prioritized. To be honest, internally I feel very happy and elated but somehow I am just.. kind of expressionless. I know, I deserved to be struck.

Like hello.. I finally got a new iPhone and an iMac! It was quite a spur of the moment purchase though.. split into three separate months.

So, I was using my iPhone 11 Pro for 6 years already, while it was still working fine, battery life was tip top due to my "preservation" skills which is basically turning off your phone before you sleep every night but it's an old phone and with only 64gb memory, I had to live with a measly 7-8gb of space that I have to constantly clear for my photos and videos. And because of that, my husband just walked into the phone store and got me a brand new iPhone 16 Pro 256gb just like that. Feels nice to have money huh. I want to be like that too. I think the best way to describe how I feel is, helpless and inadequate. Not that he makes me feel like that anyway but it's just myself feeling like the smallest person in the world.

The following month.. he finally upgraded his Macbook Pro which was a well deserved one, because after taking over his old Macbook just for a day, I really didn't know how he could live with that thing for five whole years. It was laggy, it overheats and just downright unproductive. The only good thing about it was the large screen. It was the perfect size but alas the performance just deters any of us from wanting to use it which lead to the next month.. I have always wanted an iMac, and personally a laptop is too small for me, maybe it's the age catching up but I prefer everything to be bigger now; bigger screen, bigger fonts, bigger tables, bigger clothes.. you name it. I just want to be comfortable and stress less.

So with the Macbook Pro out of the question, the next step was... do we buy another laptop or do we get a desktop? The husband has always insisted on a Mac Mini, which to me is.. no, no, no and a big NO. I didn't want to have a Frankenstein of a desktop, with many random components together that just looks so out of place. It was either another Macbook Air or an iMac, and seeing how all of us except him gravitate to the iMac whenever we were at an Apple store, it was a no brainer that we wanted that. So, the ultimatum was, either you get us the iMac or nothing. And we won... we came home with an iMac! The hardest thing was choosing a colour... I wanted the yellow or orange, green or pink. But somehow due to the kids stronger opinions, we ended up with Blue. But at the back of my mind, I wanted the Pink. And the more I look at the pink the more regret beckons upon me that I should have gotten the pink. While I still have a week to go for an exchange, Raven has made it impossible because she has desecrated the box which means I can't bring it in for an exchange anymore.

So.. now I have to live with a blue iMac, which is not bad really but the pink.. I'm not a pink person but I will always choose pink because, it's pink? Isn't it the sweetest colour and this M4 version of the pink is such a bubblegum pink, it's so pretty.

I'm totally manifesting that my husband will get me another iMac, and it better be pink!

So that's kinda the latest update for now.. still the same but everyday is like the sea, sometimes it's stormy, sometimes it's calm.

Is it just me or time passed by exponentially fast this year? Wasn’t it just Chinese New Year a while ago? Since when is it November? Where did all the time go? Or more specifically.. where did my time go? 

I’m not going to sound like I’m ranting but I just needed to vent this out, it’s been building up in me throughout the entire year that I am at the brink of just breaking down, like how long can I continue this on.. 

Being a stay at home mom was a choice we made, or rather I made and while I wouldn’t change it for the world, it would be nice to be taken care of instead of constantly giving my all. 

Everyday, I wake up and my family would have expectations of me that I would have breakfast ready, the house cleaned and everything laid out while they just show up, consume whatever and just leave it as it is. When they couldn’t find something, the first person they look for is me. If I don’t handle it, nobody will until I start nagging and scolding. And in their mind, I’m always the bad guy for making everyone do their own chores. Everywhere I go in the house, there is always something to be done, rubbish to be picked up, random toys to be cleared, clothes to be washed, stains to be wiped, like when is it ever going to end. It got so bad that a few days ago I just slammed my room door, locked myself inside and cried my eyes out, while nobody knows or cares. 

It got me thinking, why did I choose this life? I see my friends happily traveling the world without a care, coming and going as they please, enjoying their life while here I am, full of envy thinking that used to be me but now am just living day to day taking care of others and myself. And often I am the only person who takes care of myself. 

While the kids are on their holiday, my daily load is the same and probably more, while the husband is away for work, my day is the same and so much busier. So while everyone is enjoying their holiday, my day is always the same. When can I get a break as well? I go to sleep with so much anxiety of whether have I done enough or what else have I not done?

If I don’t think of what to eat or prepare something to eat, there is nothing to eat. If I don’t stock up on food or cook anything, there is nothing to eat. I’m just so tired, so tired, so tired. I don’t expect to be pampered, but I just want time for myself, to do nothing, to not worry about others but myself, to not be expected to always be doing something.

And people often say I’m just a housewife; always just staying at home or out shopping, cafe hopping or what not.  What they don’t see is a person who is always giving her all to take care of her family and herself, and often she is the last person to be taken care of. 

Anyway, end of rant, I feel better.. and I shall just go back to my life. 

I don't check in here enough, seems like I don't spill my thoughts out as often as I did back in my younger days, I wonder is it a good thing or a bad thing? Being a parent for so long now.. I feel like my time is so sparse, like I constantly worry about my next duty while being present in life, and most of my time is spent on planning, worrying, thinking of what I need to do next instead of "enjoying".

Been more than 6 months since I wrote here, and so much has happened..

Firstly, Luki came to us and went opposite my house. How it happened? Well, I guess it was a really bad timing to adopt a dog, a Golden Retriever no less when you're still in the midst of shifting house and completing renovation. I held it in for two whole weeks, shifting between two houses while trying to do my mom duties, preparing the new house while maintaining the then current house. It was so much on my plate at that time, I was sleeping in a tent in my new master room, with no curtains, no mattress, the house had no furniture, no kitchen and I was cooking instant food on the floor with a ramen pot.

I loved having a dog but really, timing was so bad and I'm so thankful my neighbour decided to adopt him so I can be his part time mom, I can still do the fun things with him and return him. To me, it's a win for everyone, my neighbour who has no kids get to have a furkid to love and keep themselves busy as well. As of writing, it's been officially 7 months since I moved in, the journey was long and taxing, but I'm finally feeling settled down now, the house really feels like home now, it's cozy, safe and I don't feel like I'm trapped. I tend spend a lot more time outdoors, started a mini garden a couple of months ago and currently into fostering stray mama cats and their babies.

While I was still living at my old place, I thought of fostering cats but the lack of space made it really inconvenient and I just shut that idea out. However, after moving here, I know I can help out because it's a lot easier to access the cats and that's what I did. Two days into Luki being with us, came Emma and her six babies. I couldn't reject them this time as they were right in front of my house and I knew I had to do something. The babies were literally running onto the road and it was a matter of time before they become roadkill. So, I transformed my kid's study room into a makeshift cat room/nursery and it was a long path to getting them adopted by loving families but eventually we got there. Emma got spayed and is now living her best life, looking all shiny and fluffy compared to her matted and skinny self when she first came.

With me now is Ginger, funny enough she wasn't even my stray as she was from the next road but seeing her pregnant I knew I had to intervene. It was quite an adventure to get her in because she gave birth in my neighbour's car and there wasn't anything I could do so it took a village to extract the kittens out as they were in the undercarriage. I did the same set up again as I did for Emma and with experience now, and a settled house, the fostering process is a lot easier and enjoyable compared to Emma's time. Back then, I just remembered feeling very overwhelmed as I had to deal with Luki, and I had just recently brought Thomas, Norah, Salem and Mei Mei over to the new house and these additional 7 cats didn't make life easier.

Well where do I begin?

Let me just say that, in the short span of 48 hours, I went from being a cat owner to now a cat and dog owner?! It all happened so fast though, I did have the thought of adopting a dog in my mind for while now ever since my house renovation completed a while ago but I never really got to it because I was just waiting for the "one" and also the right moment. I didn't want to adopt just because I wanted. And I think I am moving into my new house very soon now that installations are going to happen this month, so it's quite good timing I say, no?

What happened was yesterday, as usual I would turn my phone on from bed as soon as I woke up, and one of the first posts that popped up on my Facebook feed was an adoption post for a Golden Retriever. I was like wow, is this for real? Sounds too good to be true, but gut instinct told me why not give it a try? No harm right?

So I proceeded to message Robert, the dog's owner, introducing myself and asking may I be considered for Luki and he responded quite immediately. Basically classic scam modus operandi. Everything was going too smoothly, like you can't even believe it!

Still having faith, I set up a time and date to meet him up, which was the day after we texted (which was yesterday) and honestly, I was just suspicious because I really don't think this is real but still hopeful, I don't see why I can't just take a leap of faith, if it's real then this might be to biggest moment of my life ever. So I went about my day, picked up the kids from school and told them we are going to meet our potentially adopted dog that is quite far from our house, and usual my kids being around cats too much was also suspicious, they were asking me, "is he really going to give us his dog?", "What if he's just a fake person trying to play with us?"

It seems like, in a blink of an eye it's already September, where did the time go? I swear it was just April or May and the year has just barely begun. What happened? 2023 was supposed to be a good year, I mean it is, I have a new home, a newly renovated home to look forward to and yet it is the one thing that has plagued me entire year with so much doubts and worries, the endless stress that keeps on coming that didn't need to be in the first place. I started the year as always, optimistically telling myself that it's going to be a good year ahead, let's make the most of it and yes it did started that way. After patiently waiting, we finally began renovation on the house after what seemed like forever and once it started, tiny little setbacks started streaming in, like the miscommunication between the contractor and myself on the arch windows that I wanted, I wanted big fat windows, he gave me small medium sized stumpy ones. I wanted a magnetic track light, he couldn't deliver and I had to change the idea to another way but eventually all the renovation got sorted out until, a very nosy person (I'm not even going to call him my neighbour) who lives on the same street as my house decided to make it his life mission to see my extended balcony go down.

Has been so tiring.. Now I really know what it truly means when they say adulting sucks. So many petty meaningless issues that is supposed to look menial but somehow it is so life altering, or am I just taking things too seriously? There are way more serious problems in this world right now and here I am sulking over a completed home renovation that is constantly being complained by our dear "concerned" neighbours, and we have even yet to move in. Constantly wallowing myself in self doubt, self blame, self everything on why is this world so hard on me but in reality, I am the least problem ridden person in the world compared to those who has to hustle daily just to feed themselves or have bigger problems than this spoilt whiny housewife. For the past 4 months, I have been burying myself in house renovation related matters and it's been a roller coaster ride to say the least, at some points I was feeling the highest of highs and the lowest of low was just so bad, the constant self guilt tripping was always hovering in my head asking "why did I bring this upon myself?"

Wouldn't it be better if we didn't chose to buy a new house and embark on this renovation instead? But on the other hand, I would have been silently whining on why am I still stuck in this tiny house with three growing kids that have nowhere to run. Can't win any way or how. I keep telling myself, there is the calm after the storm. Just need to brave myself over it, and I realized how mentally weak I am, when it comes to conflict or negativity, I just clam up and close off myself. Sort of like a self defense mechanism so that I don't continue to dwell into the matter. Seeing my kids living life without a care and us parents are shouldering all the weight of the world, life was really simple being a child. But being carefree came with a lot of limitations, being the youngest child at home and growing up like an only child. The loneliness and resentment was constantly lingering in me, and seeking solace in my pets has been a big part in my life, that is why until now I still have to have pets in my life and imparting it into my kids growing up process.