Stolen Sympathy For All My Worst Mistakes.

I am asking you to endure it.

I am aware that this request is fundamentally selfish. I can offer no justification for it, no argument in its favor. It is simply the outcome I desire to see the most. So I am asking you

i do not want to die, but i also don’t really want to be alive. i am so sick of the whiplash between feeling indescribably, abysmally hollow and being so overwhelmed by my own thoughts that i can only focus on the one reprieve i wouldn’t come back from. i want to rip myself away from my body and leave it behind, watch it upkeep my social life and my work for me so i don’t have to, and come back to it either when everything is better, or when i’m ready to put an end to it.

I feel hollow. I fill my days with nothing. I want to do things, but I'm paralyzed. I'm not where I was a decade ago, but I can see it coming, and I don't have the resources to battle it that I had back then. I'm so lonely, and even if everything else changes, that won't. I've never been able to be vulnerable with anyone, and I don't even understand why I'm terrified of being known. Life gets heavier and heavier, and I'm so tired.

The shitty thing is I LIKE living. There's a lot of things about life that I enjoy and I have a good support system that don't want to lose me. My brain just will. Not. Let me believe that I deserve to.

i should live forever -> i should've killed myself when i was fourteen -> i will not live past age thirty-five -> i will live until i am old and die peacefully surrounded by loved ones -> i should kill myself within six months -> i should live forever ->

I'm too fucking old to be dealing with this shit. Should've killed myself when I was 16.

having high functioning depression is so humiliating because I shower everyday and have an extensive skin routine but I also don’t see the point in anything and always have a plan for my death.

You can have an amazing day out and then come home and want to kill yourself and that's just so wild to me because your brain would not shut up about it and you will purposely make it worse by exposing yourself to stuff that amplifies it and it just yeah why am I still here

the problem is i'm not actively suicidal anymore. i got too much going on to ever entertain the possibility or the idea. i want to live. i just don't want to live like this. i want a different life, a different body, a different face, a different past, so i can fully experience the joys of life without being... me. so all i can do is nap and pretend to be someone else

I think chronic/ passive suicidal ideation is akin to the non descriptive feeling of homesickness while you are still at home. A sense of “I want to go home” without knowing what your brain means by “home”. All you know is you long for it

Was listening to Gethsemane by CSH because it was stuck in my head and the immediate next recommended track was Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales. I believe I am somehow cursed or perhaps being watched by a divide diety of some variety. Points at the multi-month depressive episode I had in 2022 where I looped DD/KW and nothing but DD/KW for genuinely a solid week. Brother why is this my depression anthem!