Withered-One

july 2018.

i never intended to be the toxic that eats away at something great like acid that breaks down even the toughest of skin. i chose goodness. that is the only way that i will heave peace in  my life by choosing goodness always in spite of how belittled i may be at times. when a person is too good they get trampled over and taken advantage of and when that person finally snaps and looses all sense of reality, people cannot comprehend. it is almost a sin for those who have been good or chosen goodness all of their lives, to feel any other emotion but sorry or worthless. i am sorry but that is not the way this goes. we all deserve to be heard. 

i can tell you where it went wrong. the moment i let my insecurities and jealousy consume my spirit. i dont normally act out of character and this was completely beside me. how dare i say i love someone ive just so willingly metaphorically slapped across the face? well in a moment or built up rage and anger things just happen. people explode and it just happened to be at the wrong time. and the words that were spoken happened to be the wrong choice of words. now i am sitting here blank minded questioning who that person was today because it certainly was not me. i would like to publicly apologize for my behavior it was malicious and undeserving. i suppose ive grown weary of questioning where i stood in my relationship and only receiving vague answers. still, it was no way for me to behave and nothing i say will ever be able to justify why i was right. i do not want to continue on the path of destruction that i have been hiking for quite some time now. it is time i pick a new path, one that leads me to a more clear way of thinking and speaking. im exhausted am need a break from my own destructive ways. losing her is something i cannot even imagine because it physically makes me sick. i love her and i will always love her.

it was my every intention to build a future with her. to work long and hard to give her everything she needs. as women we are more than capable of doing this for ourselves but  I wanted to put her at ease. i wanted to show her that i dont have to be of a certain age or gender to want to take care of the woman that i love. but then i went and stuck my foot in my mouth. i spoke ill of her and her sweet friend in front of the world and it was so fucked up. i cant tell you how hard i am kicking myself right now because i have put myself at risk of losing the one person that i would put everything aside for.

ive really done it now. ive stuck my foot in my mouth. out of a blinded rage, i have insulted the one person who i truly love. i said things that i truly didnt mean but knew would upset her. what the fuck is wrong with me? am i that stupid blind that i could not see that she was or is in love with me. i thought this entire time that she didnt care about me the way she said she did because of how emotionally distant she was.

I give up.

xx