Work chapstick. Car chapstick. Nightstand chapstick. Bathroom chapstick. Jacket pocket chapstick.Bag chapstick. You have to be prepared.

yes sir, your daughter’s lobotomy was a success. she will never utter a coherent sentence ever again in her life. i also performed a complimentary nose job that i’m sure you’ll appreciate 

Kennedy Family Voicemail

the french beatles

jean, paul, george, et ringeaux

women don't belong in the kitchen! they belong in my arms

and if they are in the kitchen! it's because we're making dinner and I'm kissing her shoulder while she stirs the soup......

I believe in the saints but not the Catholic church. God is fake but the saints could actually do all that stuff for real by coincidence.

Loving the amount of people responding to this with "god is dead but St. Anthony helps me find my keys"