Wish I Was Creative

me as a 14th century knight: this sucks i'm gonna fms (translator's note: fall on my sword)

Alternatively: fuck my squire

[remembers falling on my sword jokes negatively impact my knight's oath] ...fuck my squire

the fact that we as a society have the muppets and they are not everywhere in our cultural consciousness is appalling. why aren't the muppets hosting the oscars. why aren't the muppets commentating the olympics. why aren't the muppets coming to a theatre near me every year with a new adaptation of a classic novel. genuinely what are we doing.

Kermit should host Jeopardy

I love how "you get what you pay for" goes right out the window when it comes to purchasing labor.

Stress having physical effects is so stupid your body's just like "you've been having a real shit time and I'm about to make it worse" I hope you die I hope we both die

My favorite interaction of leather night wasn't even at the bar or at some guy's hotel room after, it was with the middle aged woman Lyft driver who I knew would be real from the moment I saw her pronouns in bio and 10 Snapchat filters over her flower crown selfie. As soon as I got in she was like "LOOKING GOOOOD, where are you off to?" She had tall as fuck blond hair like Dolly Parton and stuffed animals lined up under her windshield and fake flowers dangling from the ceiling. She told me about how she misses her days in California when she saw people dressed like me more often, how she loves her trans daughter, how she turned down Playboy at 40, and how she loves to watch her husband do gay shit. If we ever meet again we'll have to talk about making a biopic starring Jennifer Coolidge.

bat opens up their little bat wallet to find they are all out of moths. A worthless $100 bill flies out for emphasis

Obsessed with the fact that it’s Jon Arbuckle

There are political newspaper comics that aren't this succinct

self-proclaimed body language "experts" are so frustratingly hilarious because they seem incapable of understanding that people can lie to you

doing social media training at my job like i don't run a blog that would make me unemployable

i think everyone should be sillier. i think life would be better that way. i used a marker pen to change the label on the oat milk so that it says boat milk and now i crack up laughing every time i open the fridge

the languages siblings speak are absolutely incomprehensible to outsiders btw. even parents. best of luck to the amazon wiretappers who have to try to piece together what my brother and i are talking about, sorry u just had to be there.

y'know what? the stained glass window designers had the right idea, we need more angels with kaleidoscope wings.

they call me girl cause I'm a boy

this website so fucking easy