Jia Shah

I’m trapped, locked inside my head

I don’t have a key, I don’t have a way

You’re being dramatic they said

But dramatic I was not, I knew I was not okay

I have demons, a lot of them, ones that I cannot fight

They chase me and I run as fast as I can

Blindly through the darkest night

I just hope that maybe God has a plan

Because no matter how much I scream and shout

No one will ever let me out

The pain, the agony

I take it anymore

Someone help me

I scream as I bang on the locked door

Set me free, please, I cry

But no one hears me

No matter how hard I try

It’s like I’m six feet under

Because it seems that I am ignored

But then again with all the rain and thunder

In my head all I do is pray to the lord

I’m trapped in my mind

I’ve tried so hard to leave

But I can’t, I’m confined

To this place, I believe

It’s like I’m in a car, and that car is my life

No, but I’m not in the driver's seat, instead watching from the back

I’m in a bloody battle; a strife

I can win, but the will I lack

Because no matter how much I scream and shout

No one will ever let me out

I’m in a nasty war 

One that I just can't seem to win

Because the pain, the pain, I cannot endure

I don’t know how to get out of this place I am in

Until I realize, that it’s me

My thoughts, my demons, I can control

Only I can set myself free

And then I have saved my soul

Finally, after all the times I had to shout

Without you

I find myself in that memory place again

Remembering all the good ones we had, when

All of a sudden I’m pulled back in a tornado to the worst one in my mind

I’m resisting because I know what it is, something I wish I could leave behind

But I’m already there and I know that I can’t get out of this 

I am falling into this terrible dark horrifying abyss

I’m in the middle of the room and I know there’s no going back

You’re lying in my arms, bloodied and bruised, and I can hear my heart crack

It’s that moment when I’m screaming your name, crying

I know that you’re gone, forever and ever, but I still keep trying

To wake you up because I don’t want you to leave me

And at that moment reality is not something I wish to believe

My hands are shaking

My voice is breaking

My heart is aching

I’m sitting in the corner of this room

Everything is reminding me of you

Because everywhere I look, its you

In my head, in my mind, my mirror, you’re everything I knew

I’m broken, no way to be fixed, because you’re etched in my brain

And there’s no doubting that it is driving me insane

Now that you have left this earth 

Everything is off balance and it just hurts

It’s like the weight of my soul is gone

I don’t think I can turn that light on

The world is rocking under my feet

And everything just feels so damn incomplete

You are all that I find myself looking for

Even though I know you’re not going to walk through that door

You’re eyes are all I see

Your voice is all I hear, but it’s like an unquiet sea

I can’t help it that you left without a warning

And now everything in my life is raining and storming

I want one more hug, one more smile

I want to hear you brag to me about your unmatchable style

I want to hear one more I love you

I want to watch you do everything the way you do

I want to hold you in my arms, because I miss the feeling

I never appreciated your happy excited squealing

I have so much more to tell you

We have so much more to do

You were just gone way to soon

I hate this world for snatching you away from me

Because now you’re all that I see

I hope that one day I will get used to this unsteady rocking

Because waking up and not seeing you is still shocking

I know that you wouldn’t want me to be like this

And I won’t, not for long, but you’re someone I’ll always miss

So, for now, I’ll try and cope

Because they say death helps you grow

From now on, everything will be for you

Every smile, every laugh, everything that I do

Because you mean everything to me and I will always remember

That promise I made saying it was you and me forever

I’m looking at the sky and I swear

I can see you, Looking down upon me from up there

You are everywhere, so I guess you are now my guardian angel

And you are beautiful one, a pure archangel

I know you’ll watch over me

5-21-20

The works of a teenage life are complicated

Fake friends and twisted lies

No sleep and muffled cries

Nothing seems right

Staying up all night

Waking up tired every day

Not ever knowing the right thing to say

The works of a teenage life are complicated

Broken hearts and stupid boys

The constant battle and all the noise

The endless insecurities and doubts

With nothing able to stop the shouts

Nasty words and hurt feelings

Sitting here staring at the ceiling

The works of a teenage life are complicated

Caffeine and the internet

Seems to be more valuable than our bed

All the pressure and broken expectations

Getting ourselves into complex situations

Social media and all the hate

And the constant pressure of losing weight

Telling us to follow our hearts 

But how can we? When its in parts

The works of a teenage life are complicated. 

We are beautiful disasters

And we will never decipher