disaster bisexual

i live in the spaces in between. it does not matter what i want, or how i feel. these things are, by and large completely irrelevant to people. my inner life is irrelevant. my emotional state is irrelevant. my feelings are irrelevant. they only become relevant if i have something that somebody wants. my money, my body, or my labor are the most frequently pursued prize. the only thing i can do is react. some pair of swingers at a bar loves my vibe and sees me as a potential particularly exotic notch on their bedpost. at work, i explain how a system i made functions, and i am talked over and ignored by men who are incorrect but enjoy hearing their own voice more than getting the job done. i may as well be an insect to these people. something to be ignored and brushed off. a shiny beetle to be caught.

I am adrift in a dark sea, in nothing but a rowboat. There is no light of the moon or stars to guide me. Just darkness. I am searching desperately for any land, an island, anything. Some people start their journey hearing the crash of waves on land nearby, and it is easy for them. I am afforded no such luxury. My mother is a dolphin. She loves me, and wants to help me, but can not. All she can do is bring me a fish every once in a while, and almost tip over my boat by accident.

i saw a thread recently that struck a chord. a catastrophically drunk girl wanted attention from the board. people told her to not post anything and go to bed, but she said she didn’t care. she wanted to do something she would regret. she wanted to be taken advantage of. she wanted some fucked up 4chan shit to happen to her, to get doxxed or swatted. i hope she is ok.

self hating 4chan trans girl who complains about shit like bideltoid or her supraorbital ridge

one of my coworkers constantly flirts with me. i think it is kind of that male dominance flirting they do to each other. he always rubs against me and shit when he gets his phone. i put up with it for a while and didn’t say anything, until he started telling other people i had a crush on him. i laid into him, and said how he is always the one who initiated and i have not done a single thing towards him once. he got really red and hasn’t done it since. i would be lying if i said i didn’t miss the attention.