“I’m going to put the coffee on” Steve called out behind you and you gave him a comforting “uh huh” without taking your eyes from the door. The gentle knock at the door had to moving to the front door before you could even tell Steve that Bucky had arrived. He probably already knew. Stupid supersoldier hearing. Your hand rested on the handle for a moment and after taking a steadying breath you opened the door. There stood Bucky. He looked like the man you had once known. The one who was taking care of himself, who, maybe even was happy. He smiled and held out a teddy bear bigger than Sarah. “I wasn’t sure what to bring but I saw this and thought, babies like teddy bears, right?” You returned his smile and reached out to take the oversized bear before moving to allow him to enter the apartment. He looked around nervously. You closed the door and rallied yourself. You could do this. This was co-parenting. This was the first step to both of you looking for reconciliation and to rebuild a friendship. Steve needed this. Sarah needed this. You understood that, even if it killed you to admit. Bucky had betrayed you, not Sarah.

“Steve’s in the kitchen. He’s probably faffing with something” you tell him before directing him to sit down on the couch. “The place looks great” he said looking around. It did. It was a real home. Even though it was in the Avengers tower. It was a real family home. Tony’s contractors had outdone themselves. A large open plan living and dining area, a kitchen even though most nights they tried to make it to the main kitchen and bedrooms. Multiple. Tony obviously assumed there might be siblings for Sarah. “Thanks Bucky” you replied before looking around the space yourself. Proudly. Your home. The living room walls were littered with photos of those most important to you in your lives. Bucky ran his hands slowly over his thighs and looked to the door where the sound of Steve came from. The two of you sat in awkward silence. You wanted to tell him how sorry you were, how wrong you had been but the words just did not come. You wanted to break the silence. You couldn’t take it any longer and knew you needed backup.

“Baby, Bucky is here!”

Steve strode out of the kitchen carrying a tray. The cups clattered as he placed it on the table in front of the two of you. He handed you a cup first and you took the prop and drank slowly to hide the awkwardness. Steve handed one to Bucky and then the final one for him before sitting down between the two of you. His arm wrapped around your shoulders and you felt his warmth warming you. He made you feel safe. You never had to guess his feelings for you. Never had to cautiously bring up the future. Steve made it clear that his only future had the two of you in it. You and Sarah. The backup Steve was meant to provide did not form in words and the three of you sat in silence drinking coffee. Your mind was blank. No more small talk. Steve should be doing that. He was meant to chat to Bucky while you formed the words in your mind that had eluded you since the last therapy session you and Bucky had shared. A week had passed but still. Admitting your fault and blame was not going to come easily. Sarah’s cry broke the awkwardness and the three of you jumped as the silence was broken. Placing a hand on Steve’s arm you stood up and announced “I’ll go”. You were grateful for an exit. Even if it meant to bring more awkwardness. Walking into the nursery you found Sarah awake and crying. “Come here sweet girl” you told her before picking her up and holding her close to your body. Soothing her. Rocking her gently you carried her back in to the living room and watched the super soldiers sitting in silence, still.

“Buck” you said gently not to cause Sarah to start crying again. He looked around and jumped up to standing. His hands at his side. He was nervous. It didn’t take much to read his body language. Steve looked round at you smiling as his eyes flicked over to Bucky. Bucky was taking deep breaths now. It was hard for Steve not to laugh. He had seen Bucky jump out of a plane with no hint of nerves, but Y/N and Sarah walking towards him at Bucky’s heart racing.

“Would you like to meet” you started and pushed past the worries clouding your judgement and finished with “your daughter?” Bucky said nothing but he slowly nodded. Steve winked at you as you finally now stood in front of Bucky. He held up his metal arm ready to take her before dropping it instantly. His flesh arm followed and raised up as you gently placed Sarah in his arm. “Be careful of her head” you instructed before sitting down next to Steve. He wrapped his arms around you as the two of you watched Bucky stared down at Sarah. His face in awe. A smile as wide as you had ever seen it across his face. Steve pressed a kiss against your head and whispered “You are amazing”. The two of you watched Bucky as he fell in love.

“Hello Sarah. I’m Bucky” he whispered but loud enough for all three of you to hear. A single tear ran down his cheek and his metal hand wiped it away. “It was the right thing to do Steve” the words a whisper only Steve could hear. Bucky sat down in the armchair and you watched as Bucky talked nonsense at her. Steve excused himself to go and sort something out for brunch. You could feel the tears welling up behind your eyes. You knew it was now or never.

“Bucky, buck?” you asked and he looked at you, before immediately looking back to Sarah. She was wriggling in his lap. Her eyes were the same as his. He looked back to you as you tried again “Buck”. Taking a deep breath you began.

“I have to apologise for all the hurt and pain I caused you with my lie” and you put your hand up to stop Bucky as he was about to interrupt you, probably to tell you that it was not your fault at all. But it was. “No, Bucky. I caused pain with my lie and for that I am sorry. I should never have asked Steve to lie for me. I should never have lied to you. You are Sarah’s father and you are welcome in her life. I meant what I said before, Steve is her Dad but if you want to be her father, and take that role then it is yours. I would never had been able to hide this from you Bucky. I was hurt and scared. That is no excuse but it is true”

He looked down to Sarah and without looking back at you informed you “I cannot imagine a world where she is not in it Y/N. I feel like my whole body is going to explode when I look at her. She is my world. I know this now. I will do everything in my power to be the best father I can be. You, me and Steve. We can make this work”

“Bucky… I hope you’re not suggesting a throple” Steve’s voice called out as he walked back into the room, a chuckle following the thought. The knot of guilt in your stomach disappeared the moment he spoke, he did not hate you. He just wanted to be in Sarah’s life and you wanted him there. Bucky looked up to Steve confused and you knew you were going to have to translate. “It stands for three people in a couple.. Hence throuple” A blush crept across his face. “Oh. no. not that” he confirmed.

“And when you received his letter” he started and pointed to the figure sitting at the opposite side of the couch before continuing “how did that make you feel?” Until this moment you had avoided looking over to see Bucky sitting there. Your eyes flitted over to him. His shoulders were low. His head hung low, with the pieces of hair not quite long enough to fit in his ponytail tied at the nape of his neck. He held his hands in his knees. He looked sad and the love that you had once held for him felt different. It was not pity, but it was not far off. You played the therapist’s question again in your mind. How had you felt when you received the letter completely out of the blue?

You watched as Steve’s eyes scanned from left to right as he read the letter from Bucky. He had been sitting on the couch in your quarters, his head against the back of it resting his eyes. The moment he had heard your footsteps entering the room he had peeked one eye open and then bolted forward when he saw the concern on your face as you handed him the letter. He was now sitting forward with his elbows resting on his knees as you watched his face react to the words written to you with the writer’s remorse in every word. His eyes reached the bottom, and he looked at you before immediately returning to the letter and reading it again. You stood next to him, cautiously waiting for his measured response. The letter had arrived and you had recognised his handwriting in an instant, a kick to your stomach. With no contact from him for weeks now a letter arriving out of the blue had knocked all of your anxieties from the back of your mind now to the front. You wanted to believe every word that he had written and there was no evidence to suggest that he was trying to lie. Steve exhalled as he looked up at you and held the letter out to the side.

“What do you think?” you asked nervously as you tried to read his face. He is silent for a moment and you can feel your heart beating in your chest. Studying his face and the way his shoulders held the tension that filled the room you waited with baited breath. His eyes flickered closed for a moment, and he brought the letter back up and his eyes scanned the words. His lips parted for a moment, and as your eyes connected with his he whispered “it’s your choice my love”. Your head moved to the side as you looked at Steve, with more love in your heart than you thought could have been possible. Walking over to him you reached up and pressed your lips gently to his as his hands found their natural place on the small of your back. His hands pressed tightly, bringing your bodies together touching. In one fluid movement you placed your hands on his cheeks and pulled back your head to stare into those blue eyes. The ones you had been lost in, so, so many times before.

“I love you.” you stated matter of factly and he smirked as the blush across his cheeks brought colour to his face. “I know” he replied with a short chuckle before adding “I love you too”

“When it comes to Bucky, I will follow your lead.” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. You kissed him again but this time deeply. You wanted your kiss to say all the feelings you had yet did not have the words to say. The anxiety that Bucky had caused in the past, the pain and suffering you experienced were gone. His letter quietened your mind. The voices telling you he could come back, he would try and take your happiness away from you again were gone. Now all you had was all that you needed. Steve.

“I think I would like to try. When he comes back, let’s try. The three of us” you said and Steve’s eyes went wide before you hastily added “No… I mean. Bucky should have an opportunity to be in Sarah’s life. He’s your best friend. I want you to be able to have your friend back. Not… well… not the three of us” you finished wiggling your eyebrows before laughing. Steve kissed your forehead before laughing himself and he nodded before adding “agreed. I want Sarah to have Bucky in her life, and if you are happy with the prospect of him being in your life. Then let’s try”. He kissed you and squeezed your body in to his tighter. You felt safe in his arms. You knew he would never hurt you.

“Besides. You need him back too. I just don’t get all these references you keep making. You need the other centurion back please. I can’t keep looking up wikipedia pages when you’re not looking to try and keep up!” you laughed as a noise on the baby monitor crackled and you winked before pulling back from him.

“Hey! They are good references” he called out to you as you made your way back to the nursery and shook your head. Maybe it would be a good thing having Bucky back in your lives. Maybe he had changed.

“The letter caused me anxiety at first” you said as emotionless as possible before opening your mouth a few times, trying to find the words to finish the thought without upsetting the man sitting feet away from you. You looked back at the therapist and continued “at first because it was so out of the blue. The last I had spoken to Bucky he had been shouting at me, and he grabbed my arm. I just remember intense pain and… and then I am told he is gone… and then I receive this letter. I didn’t know what to think at first. I showed Steve the letter. He told me it was my choice but there was something about the letter that reminded me of the man I first met all those years ago. I wanted to believe him” you finished the ramble of thoughts vomited from your mouth. The therapist nodded and hummed as he made notes. You dared not look over to Bucky but you were made aware of a new noise in the room. A gentle thud rhythmically. You knew it was a nervous tick of Bucky’s. His knee jolted. The gentle thud was the sound of his boot hitting the floor in time to the ticking of the clock. “For her sake” you heard the words coming out of your mouth before you were able to fully register what had happened. You looked over to Bucky and your eyes connected with his. You turned your body to face his and ignored the therapist in the room. Leaning forward you reached out of his hand. He slowly reached out and touched your hand.

“I don’t want to fight about this anymore. I don’t want to discuss it at length. We have a shared connection. We have a Steve, a Sarah… a shared life together. I need to know you are looking after yourself, and that one day you can be happy. If you want a part in Sarah’s life you can have it, the only thing I ask is if that you are true to your word. That you respect my family choice, that you can be in her life but that Steve is her Dad”

Bucky’s hand squeezed yours tightly and he opened and closed his mouth before softly “I meant it, no. I mean it Y/N. I want to earn your trust” You softly squeezed his hand back and smiled at him. “You have it”. The two of you locked eyes, and held each other’s hands. Your eyes saying all the words you didn’t know

“This is great work” the sound of the therapist brought you all back in to the room. You broke apart and sat back in the chair.

“James, you are doing great work. Thank you Y/N for joining us today” the therapist nodded in your direction.

“Anything I can do to help.” you replied as you took the cue to leave.

“Thank you Y/n” Bucky smiled looking up to you. You nodded and returned the smile before leaving the room. You opened the door to see Steve looking up from the chair placed outside the door. Your smile beamed as your eyes connected with his.

“Everything ok?” he said standing up, and embracing you tightly. “It is now” you breathed in to his chest as you allowed his arms to keep you tight to his body. He gently kissed the top of your head and you pulled back from him. Taking a deep breath and you knew what you wanted to ask.

“Steve, how would you feel if we invited Bucky round for family brunch?”

Steve’s eyes widened at your question, and he took a deep breath. He tried to read your face.

“If you’re happy to.” he said quietly. Steve had juggled with the compromising position. He had been respectful of your feelings and keep his distance from Bucky but it pained him to not be there for him. Bucky didn’t blame him, or so Natasha told him frequently. He never wanted to rush you or do anything that could hurt you.

“Hey Nat” he whispered and the smile crept across her face before settling in a smirk. She walked over to him and whispered, cooing at the baby. “Hi Steve, hi Sarah” as she looked at the slumbering baby cradled in his arm. She was small and Steve was able to hold her sleeping in one arm. The way in which Steve had assumed the role of father was with a gentle ease. She hadn’t seen much of the three of them. No one had. They had been living in their new family bubble. The team wanted to give them all the space and time to settle into their new lives together so any opportunity that Nat had to see Steve she was going to take it. “You on night duty?” she asked and he stared down at Sarah, unable to take his eyes off of her. Natasha couldn’t take her eyes off of the two of them. Sarah had been a part of all of their lives for a month, and Steve was nothing but a doting father. The two of them had an unbreakable bond. His love for her was clear to everyone. She missed their late night ice cream conferences. There was nothing that couldn’t be solved between the two of them and ice cream. She knew that this was a perfect moment to have another late night conference.

“Y/N hasn’t been sleeping much and I have the knack to get this one back to sleep. I want Y/N to have the opportunity to sleep without this noise maker waking her up.  She likes it when we walk” he told her in a hushed tone. Natasha walked over to the freezer and pulled out a tub of ice cream, and searched for bowls and spoons. He sighed and sat down in the chair next to the counter. He couldn’t remember the last time they had spent some time together. The last month of his life had been consumed by you and Sarah. He watched as Nat divided the ice cream into bowls and she slid it over to him. He held Sarah close against his chest as she slept heavily before reaching out for the spoon. As he gently began to eat the ice cream his eyes darted to Sarah ensuring she was sleeping soundly.

“You’re really happy” she stated quietly as she loaded up her spoon with ice cream and ate as he watched Sarah. He looked to Natasha, and then back to Sarah before a smile broke out across his face, the joy etched on his face.

“I am” he replied, his voice barely above a whisper. The two of them ate in silence, the only sound filling the room was the gentle contact of their spoons with the ceramic bowls. Steve dropped the spoon and nudged the bowl away from him. He looked over at Natasha who was taking her time just watching him being the doting father. The silence between the two of them reeked of tension. She knew what he was thinking and she desperately didn’t want him to ask her. She avoided his eyes and she knew what was coming. He wanted to ask. He needed to know.

“Nat?” he asked softly and she replied with a hum. “Have you seen him?” he asked, the nervousness in his voice ringing out in the room. Natasha’s shoulders heaved and she placed the spoon back in the bowl delicately. She took her time to form her response. His eyes flittered between Natasha and Sarah. She placed her hands on the counter in front of her and took another deep breath. She had avoided this question in the last few weeks. You always being around had helped. Steve wasn’t going to ask about Bucky in front of you. Bucky had made no contact with him for a month now. Steve’s phone calls went unanswered and his messages unread.

“I did. About three weeks ago. Don’t worry. I am keeping an eye on him.” she replied and nodded as he heard those words.

“He won’t answer my calls or messages” he stated the sadness dripping from his words. Natasha was conflicted. She could see the effect Bucky’s silence had on Steve. She could tell him about her meeting with him, or keep him in the dark. Natasha knew that Steve would want to fix the problem. Try and fix the situation but on this occasion Steve couldn't fix the problem. Only Bucky could.  The darkness visibly weighing on his mind. She needed to tell him. Steve’s sadness radiated from him, the confusion of Bucky’s disappearance and the subsequent silence was clearly distressing Steve. Natasha took a steadying breathe and began

“Look, Bucky and I had words”

Steve looked up at her, his lip trembled at her use of “words” and her tone. She was matter of fact and little emotion attached to it. She had decided not to tell Steve about the conversation after discussing it with Sam. They were both in agreement to keep Steve in the dark because this was his chance to bond with Sarah and enjoy his relationship with you. Natasha knew that Steve would want to be with Bucky and support him, and for Bucky to grow and develop that last thing he needed was Steve coming to the rescue. Bucky needed the time away and Steve needed to concentrate on being your fiance, and Sarah’s father. Natasha watched as Steve processed her statement. He was struggling to comprehend what Natasha could mean by “words”. With every unanswered call, and message Steve blamed himself. He had convinced himself that Bucky hated him for the betrayal and for taking his place as Sarah’s father. He lacked the understanding that there was something larger going on. He knew he couldn’t read Natasha, he had learnt that years ago. He watched as she avoided his glare.  He pulled his arm in closer to his body and felt the gentleness of Sarah’s breathing against his body and it steadied him. He watched as Natasha leaned back in her chair. The thought process running through her mind. He waited for her to continue.

“I went over when no one had heard from him. Sam and I were worried he was going to pull another bullshit stunt. But.” she paused and exhaled. She knew that Steve was going to take it badly but she needed to tell him. “He’s ok. He is just taking some time away from us all”

“What does that mean?” he asked, holding Sarah tighter to his body. Natasha’s eyes closed as she paused for a thought. “It means he has gone away. He’s safe but he is going to stay away. He’s doing it for Y/N, Sarah and you.”

“I don’t understand Nat. he’s staying away? What does that mean?” he asked, confused. The thoughts racing through his mind. Where was Bucky?, what does time away mean? Did he hate Steve so much that he needed time away?

“Whatever happened between Y/N and Bucky before Sarah’s arri” Natasha continued but Steve interrupted her. “You mean when Bucky caused Y/N to go in to early labour? When he risked the life of her and Sarah?” he growled the words. The reminder of the argument that had risked your life caused the other thoughts of concern to flit out of his mind, and he was overcome with anger. He was not about to downplay Bucky’s irresponsible behaviour. He could have lost you, and Sarah because of Bucky. Natasha nodded, and repositioned herself. “Yes. well whatever happened something has sunk in. His behaviour in the past year has been deplorable, so he has left. He wants to be better and he can’t do that around us. He’s safe”

“Left? Where? I don’t understand Nat” he asked, as he gently moved Sarah across to hold in both of his arms. The anger against Bucky subsided and Steve was yet again filled with concern for his oldest friend.

“I don’t know. He checks in with me once a week. He just lets me know he’s alive.”

Steve stared at Natasha. He needed more information than confirmation that Bucky was alive. He nodded at Natasha, waiting for her to put his mind at ease with all of the information she knew. . “He knows that Sarah is biologically his” she stated, waiting for his reaction. Steve had suspected that this conversation was coming. He knew that announcing to Dr Cho that she was 8 months pregnant would out them both as liars. He had waited for Bucky to appear in the tower, for the words he deserved to be shouted at him but he never appeared. Then, with every unanswered call and text he knew Bucky hated him. Steve had chosen not to tell you that he knew the team had found out, or his concern about Bucky. But the longer he spent with you and Sarah, and occasionally seeing the team he was confused. No one had mentioned it to Steve. He knew they were going to do the maths, and know he lied. That Captain America had lied to his entire family for months and the betrayal that went alone with it. His head dropped as he expected Natasha to tell him the truth, how they were all disgusted at him for going along with this. Instead, Natasha walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder and he looked up at her with concern in his eyes.

“Steve. We all knew. We knew all along.” the softness of her voice, and the kindness of her eyes put him at ease in an instant.

“How?” he whispered, his head bowed in shame and guilt and she smiled at him. He looked up to see her smile and he returned the smile before looking  down at Sarah.

“Because, you would always be vague. You would only ever say we’re having a baby or we’re going to be a family. You never said you were going to be a father. But you know you are. We love you and support you, you know that.”

Steve had tears in his eye, and Natasha leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

“You’re Sarah’s dad. We all know that”

The tear rolled down Steve’s cheek at her words.

“I didn’t want to deceive you all. Y/N and I really did fall for each other, and then she found out she was pregnant. She couldn’t face him and asked me if I would stand by her. I didn’t want to hurt Buck. I didn’t but my heart was telling me one thing, my head another. Does he hate me?”

“No. Not at all Steve. This is why he’s gone away. He wanted to respect you and Y/N and let you be a family. He knows that he has to earn back the trust he broke”

Steve allowed her words to swirl around in his mind. Earn back trust.

“Also. Y/N was clearly 8 months pregnant. It didn’t take a genius to work out she was showing far quicker than she should for how far along she was”

F.R.I.D.A.Y suddenly alerted the two of them “Captain Rogers, Y/N is in distress”

Panic flooded his body and he looked at Natasha. She reached out and took the sleeping Sarah from his arms and he ran towards their bedroom.

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Your outstretched hand reached for him. Your blood ran cold as your hand felt the coldness of the sheets next to you. The room was pitch black. You rolled over and reached out searching the bed as the anxiety filled your body. You could feel the wave of panic wash over your head as your stomach began to cramp. You wanted to rationalise the emptiness of your bed but you were exhausted. You called out “Steve” as you tried to keep your voice calm but failing. You heaved as your breath became laboured but the anxiety rising through your body. Your call was unanswered. You rolled over and found the lightswitch to illuminate your bedroom. It was empty. The room was spotless. You moved deftly to the crib and found it empty. You cried out “Steve!” and still no response. The anxiety poured from you as you looked around. No sign of Sarah or Steve.

“STEVE” she screamed as the door flew open and he ran in, Natasha cradling Sarah against her body behind him. He ran over to you and wrapped his arms around your body and your heart rate began to steady.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” Steve asked, his whole body pressed against yours steading you, and grounding you. Your tears flowed with ease and soaked his shirt. He held your body tight as your shoulders heaved with each sob. His grip on your back didn’t ease. He held you close and tight.

“I woke up and you weren’t here, and neither was Sarah and I just panicked” you managed to stutter out with each heaving breath. Steve’s hand lifted from the tight grip against your body and slowly ran up and down your back, soothing you. You buried your face in his chest and almost began to burrow. You heard the words “Sarah’s here” as Natasha’s voice softly reverberated around the room. You pulled back and looked over to the doorway and noticed her, dressed up for a night of dancing holding Sarah close to her body. Sarah sound asleep and unbothered by the commotion you had caused. “Sarah woke up so we went for a walk. Nat and I had some ice cream and a chat. You’re safe. Sarah’s safe” Steve told you as you felt the tears drying up and you pulled back from him. His thumbs raised to your cheeks as he wiped away the last of your tears. You nodded at his words. You knew he was right. You were safe but there was a low level anxiety that had sat in the pit of your stomach but you couldn’t quite voice the concern.

“Sweetheart. Let me put Sarah to bed and we’ll sit up and talk this through” Steve said, kissing the top of your head and you nodded. Natasha walked over and Steve expertly took Sarah from her arms and walked her to her crib. You looked over to Natasha and you were embarrassed about causing a scene, but you knew she wouldn’t judge you. She had seen you in far worse states. “Night” she mouthed to you before heading out of your apartment and closing the door behind her. Steve appeared at your side and walked you back to bed. You sat down and looked up at his stature, before looking down at your feet immediately. You didn’t want to talk to him about it. You didn’t want to admit that you were afraid that someone would take Sarah from you. You definitely didn’t want to admit you were worried that Bucky would be that person. He crouched down and placed his hands on your thighs and you felt the tears burning behind your eyes.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” his voice echoed concern, and love. Your hand rubbed gently across your eyebrows as you felt the tension headache starting to appear. You shook your head gently to say no, and you felt his hands run up and down your thighs, squeezing gently. You dared not to look at him. You couldn’t.

“Bucky?” he whispered and your head shot up to look at his face. You searched his face and his eyes were filled with sadness. You knew it was irrational. But the silence from the Winter Soldier had you filled with unease. The two of you had not mentioned his name since Sarah’s birth, and you had lived in a beautiful bubble of nesting, and happiness. There was no reason you feared Bucky, but the silence from him worried you. 

“Bucky has gone away” Steve stated and you shook your head in confusion. “Nat just told me. Apparently he has gone away, he wanted to give us space.”

None of this made sense, other than it made perfect sense. Bucky had a history of running away from his problems and living in a dream world where people weren’t angry at him.

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The stillness of his surroundings calmed him. He lay there and listened as the wind rustled the trees. The occasional chirp of birds telling each other stories broke the silence. The warmth of the sun in his face, the knots from the tree he rested his back against connected him to the world. He wanted peace. He wanted space. He needed silence. Wakanda was the only place he felt that he could escape to. He had healed here before. He felt safe. His routine was simple and other than the daily therapy sessions his time was his own for walking, reading and being alone with his thoughts. He would explore the hills and cliffs, wandering through the trees looking for a moment of calm. He found himself drawn to a small collection of trees which He could look out and stare in wonder at the beauty of Wakanda before him. The peace of his surroundings contrasted the noise inside his head. He reached down and picked up the leather bound notebook and pen that he had set aside hours ago. Thumbing through the pages he scanned the pages and absorbed the words he had written. The words that had poured from his busy mind. His therapist has told him writing down his thoughts would help. He had been skeptical in the beginning but as the words flowed he discovered how therapeutic it could be. He turned to a clean page and rested the book on his knee and began to pour his thoughts out onto paper.

I am human. I make mistakes and these mistakes hurt those I love. I cannot control the actions and emotions of others, only my own. My mistakes are my own. I will become a better person. A person who is worthy of the love given to me. I seek forgiveness but I know actions speak louder than words. I want my actions to show how sorry I am for the pain and hurt. I went away to learn about myself, and why I keep hurting those around me. I am no father. She deserves the love. I cannot give that love.

He paused. He read the last few sentences aloud and ripped the page out of the notebook. At the top of the page he wrote Y/N and continued.

When I used the words I love you, I thought I meant them. I did. I am beginning to understand that I am not able to love. I took the love you gave me and tried to replicate it because I now know that I never let people in. I don’t allow them to see me. I am incapable of love. I took the greatest gift that someone can give you, their devotion and love and mirrored it, thinking that was love. I was never there for you. I was never the partner you deserved. I betrayed your trust, and discarded your love out of fear. I have no excuses. I am working on being happy for you, as you are now loved how you deserve to be. You loved me when no one did. I want to earn your forgiveness for my actions, I want to be worthy of being in your life, and not just because of Steve or the team. I want you to be happy. I want you to have a happy life, with Sarah and Steve. I am working on myself, and I want to thank you for loving me, for the care, the kindness and support. I am sorry for every tear you shed that I caused, for every moment of pain that I caused you unnecessarily. This isn’t a letter to guilt you in to forgiving me. This letter is asking you to consider allowing me to earn back your trust, and forgiveness. I know actions speak louder than words, it’s why I have gone away. I want you to know that I understand why you lied, and I respect your family choice. I am not going to fight, I am not going to cause you or Sarah any more unnecessary pain.

I am truly sorry, and I hope this can be the first step to gaining your forgiveness but I understand if this is not possible.

Bucky

He read the page over and over again. He folded it and placed it in his pocket. Taking a deep breath he allowed his head to fall against the tree and he felt a little lighter. He had no belief that you would read the letter but he needed to try. He wanted you to know he was sorry, and wanted to earn your forgiveness but most of all he wanted to give you peace. Peace in the knowledge that you could build your family and that he was never going to come between you, and Steve. He was no father. He had thought about the way you had looked at Steve as you had entered labour. The way Steve cupped your face and asked you what colour to paint the nursery. Bucky knew in his heart that you had never looked at him that way. Your heart belonged to Steve and there was no better man in the world than Steve. The only thing Bucky wanted was the ability to be in Sarah’s life, to be in Steve’s life and to be in your life. He knew that it would be a slow process but it was one he was willing to do. He was ashamed that he thought you had cheated. The anger, the rage that had fuelled his body in that moment at you and how he had been ostracised by his entire family and there you had done the same. Sam holding him back, and telling him that you had lied, but not about your relationship. Overcome with shame he struggled to replay that memory. The guilt of the pain he had caused you that you had lied. He had grabbed your arm. He had shouted at you. He had caused you so much distress that he threatened the life of his baby, and you. He corrected himself out loud “steve’s baby” and continued to over think about his last interaction with both Steve and you. The ringing of his phone brought him out of his thoughts and he looked down to see Natasha’s face in front of him. He answered and watched as she stared back at him. He held the phone out further from his face so she could see him properly. He hated this new technology but the agreement with Shuri and T’Challa required him to keep his phone with him and answer calls from the team. He was not allowed to use Wakanda as a secret hiding place. He can use it to heal, but no isolating and hiding. Wakanda was never to be used as a place of shame.

“Barnes, how are you today?” she asked as she set her phone on the side and began to potter around in the background. Bucky stared at the screen trying to work out what she was doing. He sighed and answered “better. I think. Dr Andrews is happy with my progress. I am not. I hate this. I hate finding out that I am broken, it’s not just the deprogramming but I am entirely broken” he finished and she nodded as she set a cup down and began to pour the water in. He watched as she completed the task of making herself a cup of tea. He waited with anticipation. She picked up the tea and took a sip of the hot liquid. Setting the cup back down she looked at the camera and told him “you’re not broken Bucky. You need to stop saying that. I am sure Dr Andrews would tell you off for that behaviour” and Bucky hummed in agreement, Dr Andrews had in fact only told him off again this morning for using the word broken to describe himself. “He told me again this morning. I know. I shouldn’t use that word but I can’t help how I feel”.

“Bucky. Just give it time.” she said and he hummed in agreement. The two of them paused in silence for a moment. Bucky’s mind wandered to Sarah, Steve and you and he wanted to ask but was scared to. “How is everyone? I miss you” he asked cautiously and Natasha eyed him suspiciously. “Everyone is fine, but if you want specifics then yes, Y/N, Steve and baby Sarah are doing well. I miss you too Buck.” he nodded at her words.

“Am I surprised that you had such great phone signal even when you’re in the middle of a rainforest in Wakanda?” Natasha gently laughed to herself as she looked at his surroundings. “Are you really surprised Nat. I’ll tell Shuri, she’ll enjoy a good laugh” The two of them laughed together and Natasha smiled as she saw the way Bucky’s face crumpled in a way that she had not seen for a long time, genuine joy. Maybe this time away was making a difference to him, and the old Bucky would reappear.

“Same time next week?” she asked and he hummed in agreement and they bid farewell to each other. He placed his phone back in his pocket and picked up his belongings before heading back to the city. He needed to mail the letter immediately, before he lost the nerve. He wanted you back in his life, and this was the first step.