Memories

Sometimes you read a line from a book and it’s like something from your own head or something from your journal. And that part of you is a bit more defined, a bit sharper, and a bit easier to understand and explain to others.

there is no unlived life or alternative reality where everything went right…. there is only here and now what are you going to do with it

Growing up knowing you will move and this home is only temporary and moving from temporary to temporary on and on really does something to you. I can't imagine permanence. I need to keep my stuff in its boxes so I don't have to worry about packing them to bring them to the next place. Why invest in making a space mine? I'll only leave it behind. I don't wanna buy a desktop computer, it'll be so much extra work to bring it safely. What do you mean you still talk to your childhood friends. What do you mean you've lived in the same town your whole life. Sometimes I haven't even bothered learning my own address. Which got awkward when the cops asked me where I lived. Don't get attached. Don't own too much stuff. Probably doesn't help to be an only child of a single parent. It's just me, mom, and a dozen dusty cardboard boxes. Everything else will be gone in a few years. Once I stayed in the same place for almost a decade with no plans to leave. I never for even a moment felt like I was going to stay and I spent that decade making new online identities every few years abandoning the old ones ghosting everyone who got to know me. Start over. Start over. Start over. New name new address new town new world leaving the old one behind forever. This is all I've ever known. I can't imagine a life that doesn't abandon and replace everything every few years. Maybe when I'm dead and buried I'll manage to stay in the same cemetery for a while.

i don’t like how endings in real life come on so suddenly without making sense, without much warning. one minute you’re in the middle of something and the next it’s all a very long time ago and you’re a different person and none of it is ever coming back