WindstarOsprey Comic Scripts

Poker Night

The Egg Bosses hold their monthly Poker Night. It ends about as well as you’d expect. Rated T for partial nudity and slightly risque content.

(Death Egg Rec Room. Abyss, Maw, Tundra, and Kukku are playing Poker. Maw reveals his hand, a smug grin on his face.)

 MAW

“Well gentlemen, lady, as they say in Casinopolis ‘read’em and weep’.”

 (Kukku, Tundra, and Abyss are not happy about this.)

 KUKKU

“A diamond royal flush!?”

 TUNDRA

“Are you serious!?”

 ABYSS

“Hacks! I call hacks!”

 MAW

“Sorry, everyone.”

 (Maw pulls in his winnings, a knowing smirk on his face.)

 MAW

“But this round goes to me. Which means you all have to lose a piece.”

 KUKKU

“Hrrrgh…”

 (Kukku removes his hat.)

 TUNDRA

“Lousy, worthless toymaker…”

 (Tundra removes his jacket.)

 MAW

“Alright Captain, your turn.”

 (Abyss grumpily looks away and blushes.)

 ABYSS

“Hrrrrm…”

 MAW

“Come on Abyss, you know the rules. Now lose the shirt.”

 ABYSS

“I’m wearing a wetsuit.”

 MAW

“So?”

 (Abyss waves a hand around her uniform.)

 ABYSS

“So, it’s all one garment!”

 MAW

“So, you’ll be in your underwear. You didn’t seem that bothered when you showed up like that at last month’s meeting.”

 KUKKU

“I remember that! Thunderbolt nearly had a stroke and Akhlut almost died laughing!”

 TUNDRA (shakes his head in disappointment)

“*sigh* Can’t have nice things.”

 ABYSS (through gritted teeth)

“I’m not wearing anything underneath.”

 (The other Egg Bosses stare at Abyss dumbfounded.)

 MAW

“Seriously?”

 ABYSS

“Have you ever worn a wetsuit!? This thing’s practically glued to my skin!”

 MAW

“Doesn’t that chafe?”

 ABYSS

“Better than having your skivvies crawling up your butt! Seriously, I’m getting a wedgie just thinking about it!”

 KUKKU

“Sounds like you need to visit the tailor-bots on your way to losers’ lounge. Haaaa-haaaa!”

 ABYSS

“Grrrrrrr…”

 (Cut to Abyss angrily stomping down the hall, wrapped in a sheet to conceal her modesty. As she storms off, she passes by Egg Army soldiers, who take a moment to stare at the…unusual sigh.)

 ABYSS

“Razzum-frazzum thylacine and his hurgle-burbin black hole mouth and hoity-toity fancy talk…Grrrgh!”

 (Abyss arrives at a door marked “Losers’ Lounge” and opens it up.)

 SLAM!

 (Inside the Lounge are the losers: the other Egg Bosses - sans Cassia [because Clove wouldn’t let her little sister anywhere near this, thank goodness] and Wendy [who hasn’t joined yet, thank goodness] – all either nude [men, because Sonic dress code] or in their underwear [women]. The losers look up from what they’re doing and stare at Abyss.)

 ABYSS (eye twitching)

“Hrrrrm…”

 (Akhlut grins evilly as Abyss walks in.)

 AKHLUT

“Hey Abyss! You know the next meeting’s not for another week, right? Haahahahahaaa!”

 ABYSS

“Grrrrrrr…”

 (Abyss takes a seat between Thunderbolt and Nephthys. Nephthys is calmly reading the paper, doing her best to maintain her dignity, while Thunderbolt grins maliciously.)

 THUNDERBOLT

“Heeheeheeheeheeeeee! Soooo…they finally knocked you out! Not so high and mighty now, are you Abyss?”

 ABYSS (glares)

“Watch it, Thunderbolt…”

 THUNDERBOLT

“You used to be the queen of the cards, now you’re dressed down and disgraced with the rest of us!”

 ABYSS

“At least I still look good, you little Gen-9 Pikaclone!”

 THUNDERBOLT (gets in Abyss’ face)

“Say that again, squid-witch!”

 NEPHTHYS

“Enough!”

 (The two Egg Bosses stop fighting.)

 NEPHTHYS

“Both of you, settle down. This situation is mortifying without you two putting on a show.”

 ABYSS (raises an eyebrow)

“Show?”

 (Nephthys points toward the ceiling without even looking from her paper, Abyss looks up and finds security cameras everywhere.)

 ABYSS (shocked)

“What. The heck?. Is Dr. Eggman filming us!?”

 NEPHTHYS

“So it would seem.”

 AXEL

“Apparently, the ‘good’ doctor caught wind of our little game and decided it’d be good for a quick laugh.”

 CONQUERING STORM

“Also, blackmail material. But mostly for his own amusement.”

 ABYSS (grimaces)

“Wow, that’s messed up.”

 THUNDERBOLT

“For once, we’re in agreement.”

 (Thunderbolt shakes her head and taps her foot in annoyance, her tapping growing faster and her temper worsening the longer she speaks.)

 THUNDERBOLT

“I respect our lord and master with all my heart, and I understand and appreciate the reasoning behind this humiliation. But I fail to see why I – his most loyal follower – am being forced to sit around in my unmentionables with the rest of you ingrates while my innocent body is plastered over in the bedrooms of ‘interested parties’ like some Studiopolis centerfold!”

 ABYSS (shocked)

“I’m sorry, what!?”

 AKHLUT

“Oh yeah, heads up, he’s making a calendar.”

 ABYSS

“A calendar!?”

 MORDRED HOOD

“Apparently, we’ve all been deemed to have ‘aesssthetically appealing physiquesss’. And since we’re all in the Mobian age of majority…he thought it’d be a good way to ‘raissse troop morale’.”

 ABYSS

“You’re kidding.”

 CLOVE

“They’re already assigning months. I heard Nephthys is being considered for one of the summer slots.”

 ABYSS

“Summer?”

 (Abyss grins at Nephthys.)

 ABYSS

“Wouldn’t you be better suited for December, Christmas cake*?”

 NEPHTHYS (deadpan)

“You do realize you qualify for that as well, right?”

 ABYSS

“Grk!”

 *Unmarried woman older than 25. Considered past her prime and undesirable by men for marriage. Nepthys and Abyss are respectively 42 and 28, and don’t appear to be married, so that makes them Christmas cakes.

 AKHLUT

“Ooh! Right in the face!”

 MORDED HOOD

“I believe this is what the peasssants call a ‘ssssick burn’.”

 ABYSS

“Yooooouuu…”

 SLAM!

 (The Egg Bosses turn to see Tundra and Kukku standing in the doorway, eyes twitching with rage. Tundra has slammed the door so hard, it’s left cracks in the wall. Everyone gawks at the sight of the two Egg Bosses in all their glory…especially Akhlut.)

 TUNDRA

“Not. A word. From any of you.”

 KUKKU

“This indignity will not go unforgotten! This, I swear!”

 (Tundra and Kukku take a seat. Kukku leans against the wall, arms crossed, while Tundra is forced to sit next to Akhlut, as all the other seats are taken.)

 AKHLUT (smirks)

“Heh! Lookin’ good, Tundra.”

 TUNDRA (doesn’t even look at Akhlut)

“Hrrrrm…”

 AKHLUT

“I take it Maw informed you of the doctor’s little…’project’?”

 TUNDRA

“Rrrrrgh…”

 AKHLUT

“Yeah, I’ll admit. I wanted to club him to death with his own tin jaw when I found out too.”

 TUNDRA (smirks)

“Heh!”

 (Akhlut smiles his most malicious smile yet.)

 AKHLUT

“But then I realized…”

 (Akhlut stands up and begins flexing, even using his psycho-stone to create Major Armstrong-style sparkles.)

 AKHLUT

“This is a chance to show the people my impressive, warrior’s physique!”

 TUNDRA (shocked)

“What!?”

 (Akhlut begins posing.)

 AKHLUT

“Look at these gleaming, black biceps! These shimmering, white pecs! Abs like a glacier! Calves like icebergs! Glutes and tail like an algid behemoth! This is the body of a GOD!”

 TUNDRA (outraged)

“In your dreams, you bloated whale!”

 (Tundra begins posing.)

 TUNDRA

“Observe! Thick, powerful core muscles forged from years of training in the most brutal conditions! Broad, sturdy shoulders capable of supporting even the heaviest loads! And these scars, trophies and keepsakes of countless battles, the chronicles of a conqueror! If there is anyone in this army with the body of a god, it’s me!”

 AKHLUT (shrugs and shakes his head)

“A pity you failed to pass it on.”

 (Tundra and Akhlut get into a flex-off.)

 TUNDRA (furious)

“I will make into blubber nuggets and serve you with hoisin sauce!”

 AKHLUT (grinning like a loon)

“Bring it, you old geezer!”

 TUNDRA & AKHLUT

“Rrrrrrgh!”

 (Everyone just watches awkwardly.)

 MAW

“Alright everyone, I’m—"

 (Maw just stares at the strange contest unfolding before him.)

 MAW

…

 (Maw’s eye twitches.)

 MAW

“What…am I looking at?”

 ABYSS

“I think that sums this whole day.”

 MAW

“Quite.”

 (Maw claps his hands, grabbing everyone’s attention.)

 MAW

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, I think that’s enough for one night! We have enough footage for now and it’s getting late.”

 (Maw motions for the others to follow him.)

 MAW

“Let’s all head to the rec room so you all can get dressed.”

 (Abyss notices something off about Maw and narrows her eyes.)

 ABYSS

“Hey Maw!”

 MAW (turns around)

“Hmm?”

 (Abyss walks over to Maw, smiling and extending a hand from her sheet.)

 ABYSS

“Before we split, I just wanted to say, good game tonight. No hard feelings.”

 MAW

“Oh! Well, that’s very kind of you, Abyss.”

 ABYSS

“Put ‘er there, friend!”

 MAW

“Of course!”

 (Abyss and Maw shake hands.)

 ABYSS (smiles evilly)

“Fuhuhuhuhuuu…!”

 MAW (eyes widen in terror)

“What the…!?”

 SHHHRRIIIIP!

 (Abyss suddenly rips the sleeve off Maw’s shirt, causing several playing cards to fall out and onto the floor.)

 MAW

“Ahh….ahh…ahhh…!”

 (All the other Egg Bosses gape in flabbergasted shock, even the more serious and unflappable ones like Conquering Storm and Nephthys.)

 MAW (smiles sheepishly)

“Oh my! H-How d-did that get there?”

 ABYSS

“That, Maw, is going to be the least of your worries tonight.”

 (Abyss smiles evilly as the rest of the Egg Bosses gather round and glare at the thylacine menacingly, their powers and cybernetics glowing and ready to unleash pure agony.)

 ABYSS

“But look on the bright side, you might get to miss out on the calendar.”

 (Maw raises his hands placatingly.)

 MAW

“N-Now everyone, let’s be reasonable. I-It’s just a game, for crying out loud!”

 (Cut to black.)

 MAW

“Ahhhhhhhhh!”

 (Cut to the rec room, the Egg Bosses are gathering their clothes and heading back to their quarters.)

 THUNDERBOLT

“Incorrigible! Utterly incorrigible! And he has the gall to be Dr. Eggman’s head researcher!”

 CLOVE

“I am so glad I didn’t bring Cassia.”

 (As Abyss grabs her wetsuit, she sees Nephthys finishing getting dressed and walks over to her.)

 ABYSS

“Sooooo…”

 NEPHTHYS

“Hm?”

 ABYSS (smirks)

“Black lace, never took you for the type, Nephy.”

 NEPHTHYS

“Well, Mordred said it best.”

 (Nephthys smiles as she picks up her mask.)

 NEPTHYS

“Despite my age, there are those who think I’m ‘aesthetically pleasing’, and I’m inclined to agree with them.”

 (Nephthys puts her mask on.)

 ABYSS (playfully elbows Nephthys’ arm)

“Heh! Vulture MILF.”

 NEPHTHYS (nudges back)

“Oh hush…”

 MAW

“Uuuuugh…”

 (Nephthys and Abyss turn to see Maw lying on the floor - completely undressed – with his posterior sticking up in the air.)

 NEPHTHYS

“Should we do something?’

 ABYSS

“Ehhhh…pretty sure he took a few blows to the head, so we shouldn’t move him.”

 NEPHTHYS (nods)

“Mm. Better safe than sorry, I suppose.”

 (The two prepares to leave. Abyss takes one last look at Maw before she leaves.)

 MAW

“Uuuuuuuuuugh…”

 CLICK!

 (Abyss turns out the light.)

I love her already.