W1LDK1P

naughty tail-maw ate all the carrots… 🥕

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It is with utmost urgency that I commit to paper an occurrence so singular that I fear it may strain your credulity. I trust this message finds you in sound health and undisturbed repose, for I cannot say the same of those unfortunate enough to dwell within the vicinity of yo esteemed mama.

Having, by circumstances too tedious to recount, passed the evening beneath her roof, I was shortly after midnight awakened by a most dreadful and prolonged rumbling, so profound in its depth that I mistook it first for distant cannonade, then for an earthquake, and finally for the Last Trump itself. Imagine my astonishment upon discovering the disturbance emanated not from Heaven or the deepest bowels of Hell, but from the singularly vacant stomach of yo good mama.

The tumult was of such prodigious force that every sleeper in the household sprang from his bed in confusion. Even the old groundskeeper, who I know for a fact has slept through thunder-bolts and musket fire alike, emerged from his shack demanding to know who had sounded the alarm.

I entreat you, dear friend, to prevail upon yo mama to partake of a modest supper before retiring, lest her entire estate be compelled to awaken at the command of her insatiable stomach.

I remain, with every sentiment of esteem,

Your most obedient and humble servant,

Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who had the gall to take the best donut in the box for himself.

As recounted by multiple office sources, the easily dispensable Schuler took the premium donut after a selection of complimentary pastries, bagels, and beverages were made available in the office breakroom. His coworkers went on to confirm that Schuler, an employee who could be fired today and nobody would notice or care, did not deserve the prized confection.