Unpredictable Bastard

i just realized why i have my reservation for ayaka. she reminded me so much of a friend i had back in my college days. there’s this post i made way back about “self reflection” and my experience.

first and foremost i’ve never been the ‘savior’ kind of person. i’m not an extrovert. i’m self-proclaimed the most introvert out there to a point of chronic hermit. but when i’m placed in a group settings (especially those with small groups) i become very social. my switch is just kind of flipped on to mold into the situation and condition needed me to be. this isn’t me being ppl pleaser. far from it. this is me trying to socialize and try to ‘human’ and to fit in with society.

while i’m very aware and familiar of human behaviors and their patterns, i’m not actually able to feel sympathy towards most ppl i talked to. i empathize with them. it’s very different. for me when i listened to someone i tried to put myself in their situation and condition, understanding how they feel and course of action. but in my brain, i know i’m not them. when said person look to me for advice, i always can do it bcs i automatically compared that simulation of their experience to my memory and past experiences. i’ve always been aware the divide between me and others and that i’ll never completely understand other people. bcs their life is theirs, so is mine. we have different way of thinking, therefore there will never be a 100% understanding, at most maybe 80%-90%.

when i tried to understand someone i spend my time with them. i do this especially for my friends in equal manner. i always tried to split my time for what small circle i have and have quality times. most usually have no problem with my intense need of that quality times while others reacted in two ways. either they turned off and gradually moving away, or they ended up having a crush on me.

what happened between ayaka and traveler happened to me two or three times in my 4 years of undergraduate alone. one of them almost escaped my attention until my bestfriend told me about that one guy who had a crush on me. i don’t even want to think about when i was younger, maybe there are others that i didn’t know.

people like ayaka never knew what companionship is. it’s more than just spending times together and having your thoughts and words heard. they’re akin to a person who is dying of thirst in a desert. that ‘water’ is affection. affection isn’t always romantic, it can be platonic too. the way i spent my time is how i show my affection to my friends and family. unfortunately some ppl who never had a friend or received a healthy amount of attention given to them, me spending time with them means i gave them ‘special’ attention and in reaction to that the person began to develop feelings overtime.

it’s always the shy smiles, the eagerness to have more time together..

i had to reject someone’s heart multiple times, with different people, because of this misguided admiration. on one hand i can’t and couldn’t blame them for thinking the way they did. they never knew what and how genuine friendship works. on the other hand i felt bad for them. it always sent me into this spiral of ‘what did i do?’ ‘what did i say?’ ‘was it ok for me to do that?’ from time to time.

also, i hate seeing someone’s crying or sad or heartbroken because of me.

i guess in a way ayaka reminded me of that one girl i rejected in my college days. i feel the need to stay away from her to avoid the growing sentiments from ayaka. it was unbidden for me. especially after how ayaka’s character story ended. the other reason for me not liking her is bcs she IS kind of mary sue. she has the illusion of being the perfect noble lady; rich, smart, beautiful, strong and she IS meta in-game. a lot of ppl use her bcs how OP she is. adding to that i found myself hating the metaslaves part of the fandom. they’re rude, some are so full of themselves and thinks the world revolved around them.

[ those who deserve the whole world ]

i don’t think i need to explain why xiao is up there. the reason i’m liking aether more is not only well, he is male traveler.. but also there’s always been this widespread headcanon in the fandom he’s the defensive traveler to lumine’s offensive side (i’ve always been a defensive player in games that has ‘tank’ characters). not to mention his CN and JP VA simply makes me melt. aether is the softer one and i’m weak for softie-male character which include kazuha as well.

i won’t say a lot for kaeluc and cynonari-collei bcs they simply has the best interaction with each other, interesting personality-dynamic also simply endearing. i put them there all together bcs they’re a package deal to me.

candace is an exception. the reason why is bcs i love her design and her JP VA is amazing. very different than EN where she’s portrayed to be a powerful woman with a touch of femininity, the JP dub is on the other side of the spectrum. JP candace is soft through and through, the way she spoke, her tone of voice. but she also slip some well-placed words in her conversation that speaks hidden strength (es[ecially present in the archon quest). i like her more with this overwhelmingly mother-like quality but low-key strong woman because her visual backed it imo. her hairstyle is really feminine. she got the hime-cut for god’s sake. but it’s cut short with very practical clothing (which indicate her strong-woman nature) while draped in sash and decorations to emphasize more of that gracefulness of refined woman.

[ i like you ]

i have a lot of ppl in this category bcs i do like a lot of character’s stories. i have characters whose personality is interesting and idk if they’re actual ppl i can befriend them. but i do want to get to know them more. i’m curious about them. this category include; fischl, lisa, ayato, yanfei and heizhou.

then there are characters who i want to talk to bcs i think they’ll give me interesting direction of conversation. these characters include; albedo, venti, xinqiu, mona, childe, zhongli, ningguang, and kuki.

i have characters that i’d like to see them as someone who takes care of me, in platonic way. they’re amber and yoimiya. why? i think this is bcs i’m not a cheery person, i always look at them in admiration. even in real life, i admire ppl who has positive outlook to life and cheery disposition.

then there are characters that makes my older sibling radar buzzing. they give me urges to takes care of them. cook them food, wrapped them in a blanket and pat their head kind-of-way. they’re; gorou, barbara, razor, bennett, chongyun, lumine, noelle, kokomi, sucrose and layla.

xiangling and itto left. they both are the kind of characters i like bcs if they’re my friends, i know my day would be unpredictable with wild adventures. they both are fun ppl, the absurd, quirky kind-of-way. i’m not an adventurous person bcs i like things planned but once in a while, i like having someone tugged me into one. just for change of pace.

[ i acknowledge you exist]

most in here are women bcs this game has too many of them and not enough men. i play this game for the men. so yeah. these are mostly women whose personality is just bit too boring or too wacky for me.

idk about aloy bcs i play on mobile, so. there.

there are characters who are just there to tick the mommy box which i’m never a fan of. the reason why lisa isn’t here is bcs i find the way she does her work interesting. lisa only ever tell half-lie without giving other ppl unnecessary grieve. yes, this is for yae who makes my aether work for her for free for those novels in her character story. maybe it’s bcs she’s a kitsune and that’s why yae is shady and intentionally put ppl in some kind of misery, but still. if it were a real world, i don’t think it’s funny she took the money that should’ve been ours not hers to spend for luxurious food. ppl will call her out by being shady and abusive towards her employee.

other mommy type that i find boring are jean and sara. i appreciate them being hardworking ppl but if you leave that out, i can’t find any interesting bit to their personality if there’s any. sara especially bcs of how devoted she is to raiden shogun. i don’t like military-simp characters. they’re giving me brainwashed, culty-like vibe.

i hate eula character story. the challenges were annoying (i stopped continuing her story for a month or two bcs how bullshit the challenges were). i still hold her, the character, for that. fuck being graceful and aristocratic. i don’t want that.

there’s rosaria. which.. idk what she’s supposed to be other than filling the trope of ‘sinful-sister’. i like using her in overworld but as a character she’s kind of bland imo. even in JP, all i get from her is she’s kinda edgy or a female version of kaeya. that’s that.

oh also let’s not forget shenhe and yelan whose purpose is low-key eye-candy. as interesting as their character story were, which i enjoyed completely btw. i don’t like it when developers, writers or artists made female characters with visual design that includes tight-skin full body suit for the low-key purpose to draw their body lines so blatantly without it being flagged as nudity. it left bad taste in my mouth.

then there’s the two favorites from the metaslaves; hutao and ganyu. i actually wanted to put ganyu with raiden shogun and ayaka down there but ultimately i feel more indifferent than dislike towards ganyu’s character. ganyu is just kind of boring to me. she’s like jean. overworked sexy lady with soft-spoken and polite way of talking. which is not interesting for me.

hutao.. i remembered playing her story i get annoyed at her in the beginning of it. i admire her drive with her job but as a character, she’s the kind of person i wouldn’t want to be friends with. i’ll simply avoid her irl to which i say, i already did. i’ve met a person similar to hutao irl and i simply cannot stand with the way they speak of things. sure they’re capable and got the job done but i think there are times when you need to phrase things in a better way. but i know they won’t bcs that’s just their personality. work-partner? sure. friends? no.

keqing is actually has interesting way of looking at things, which i also agreed. but i don’t like her brusque way of interacting. she’s the tsundere trope kind-of girl with twintail. which is overdone imo. which is also why despite her interesting takes, i find her ‘boring’. bcs she’s there to tick trope boxes imo.

xinyan and yunjin. ahh these two. no offense but they’re forgettable. xinyan is painfully so. yunjin only remembered by ppl bcs of the opera singing thing imo. i like their personality, they’re decent. but yeah. just being decent is not interesting. there’s also nilou. she’s also like yunjin for me. decent character but not interesting enough. i plan to pull for her in the future for re-runs though. the only reason being, i like her JP VA.

then there’s klee and nahida. these two are the only child model i’m indifferent to and not outright disliking them. the reason for klee is bcs she’s the most tolerable one out of every child-model personality and design wise. i kind of icky about nahida sometimes act like a child, sometimes not. but i do empathized with her story. also i hate to say this but i understand all of her analogies and i relate to that. i also tend to talk irl with analogies. but i’m not a fan of her having child-model. she would be on [ i like you ] section if she has teen model.

scara. oh god scaramouche. i feel like i’m going to need to write an essay about him. anyway, i probably will so, i won’t explain here.

[ i empathic to you but i can’t like you ]

raiden shogun; i also will have a goddamn essay for her.

ayaka; the yamato nadeshiko trope, tick-box character. i always have reservation for character whose trope is yamato nadeshiko. for me they usually kind-of a mary sue. ayaka is close to that imo. i understand her struggle, but ultimately i could careless bcs of how mihoyo create her personality.

[ pls go away ]

i dislike loli. i dislike children. most lolis will ended up in this tier. sayu is boring. diona is loli, kemono-mimi fetish bait. dori is scummy and her JP VA did a real good job of making her voice really annoying and i say that as compliment from a former theatrical club kid. bcs it’s not easy to convey characterization by voice alone and her JP VA nailed that.

qiqi... oh god qiqi. i don’t hate her bcs i lost 50/50 to her. i hate her bcs there used to be someone i know about who likes to play/main genshin as qiqi and they’re real asshole as a person. i can’t look at qiqi and not remember that person.