Bite Me

Milo’s parents were very intelligent academics, and noticing the same potential in Milo they pushed him far too hard. He became bored, and stifled, both at work and at school, and began to develop an addictive personality. This innocently started with obsessing over sugary food, or watching the same tv show on repeat. If it made him feel good, then he wanted more of it. As he got older, these habits developed into something more serious.

Pushed by a group of friends, he began to forge prescriptions stolen from his father, and by the age of 16 he had fell headfirst into alcohol and substance abuse. He graduated school with decent grades, a reliance on pain medication, and a newfound love of reckless behaviour.

Attending the local college to escape living with his parents, he spent the majority of his time there chasing highs, his inability to say no to anything he was offered led him to some of the darker parts of town, known only by few as supernatural hotspots.

Two weeks after his 22nd birthday he found himself inebriated, looking to score in a club he didn’t recognise. A stranger seemed to sense his desperation, and offered him Nectar, promising a high like nothing else if they could only move somewhere more private.

His memories of the night are hazy. He remembers the high, and then the stranger attacking him. There was a sharp pain in his neck, and he eventually lost consciousness, struggling against the person holding him down. 31 hours later, he woke up in a seemingly empty building, an unfamiliar hunger coursing through him. 

After a month of navigating his Vampirism alone, he made a handful of supernatural friends who were determined to help him regain a sense of normalcy. They have since become his family, and he is beginning to accept the loss of his human life.

Recently, due to issues in real life, my mental health has been in a terrible place. RP has always been a comfort to me. At the time of being removed from wickedrest-rp, I had been relying on it to help get me by. I'm generally a creature of habit, and really struggle with change, especially when said change is outside of my control. This is only exacerbated when I am struggling with anxiety and depression. But upon the mods of wickedrest-rp making an announcement telling the group they were going to reboot the entire plot and setting, I was genuinely willing to get on board. It was difficult to process, but I understood the need to refresh the environment. If that was the only announcement, I would have been able to move on, and maybe even reach a place where I was excited about the proposed changes, but there was one rule in particular that worried me the moment I read it. It stated each character kept throughout the reboot could only choose 2 established connections to keep. Though, at first, the choice of words made it sound like it wasn’t a rule that was going to be strictly enforced, as I continued to read on I was given distinctly the opposite impression.

This majorly triggered my anxiety because E, M, and V (three characters within wickedsrest-rp whose names have been redacted) were all integral parts of who Milo (my own character) had become over the course of his time in the group. I spoke to the muns of M, and V who both confirmed they would like to keep Milo as a connection. And given the close relationship between Milo and E, despite not immediately speaking to E’s mun, it became clear I could be facing a difficult choice. If E’s mun decided they would like to keep Milo, even if I cooperated to the best of my ability, and tried to embrace the sudden changes (something I was all too willing to do) I would be forced to choose 1 important connection to essentially abandon. 

I already knew from speaking to V’s mun that they were also deeply upset by the rule, and I began to spiral, unable to do anything but panic over the possibility of having to choose between M, E, and V. Anybody who has written in a group setting before can understand the anxiety inducing nature of such an uncertain, and unpredictable situation. The reboot was a handful of months away, and the muns of these characters might eventually choose to leave or drop Milo as a connection, but I felt desperate for some reassurance that if, emphasis on if, when the reboot arrived and all 3 muns wanted to keep their connection to Milo (while I mutually wanted to keep Milo’s connection to their 3 characters) keeping 3 connections could be an option for us all. I was very aware it might not come to that, and I was more than happy to support anybody hoping to drop their muse, or reboot them, I even stated this on multiple occasions, correcting the mods each time they intentionally misunderstood me as you can see in the screenshots below…

What I couldn’t understand, and what I was devastatingly upset by, was the thought of 2 people hoping to keep their connection and not being allowed to if their ‘2 connection quota’ was already up. They would be forced to re-write their characters meeting, and rebuild the already established connection from scratch, with absolutely no justifiable reason. The admins kept insisting it was to create a welcoming environment for new writers, but it felt like that would be at the expense of the writers who had been in the group for long periods of time. I also couldn’t see how 3 connections instead of 2 would make new players feel unwelcome when the rest of the group would be following the 2 connection rule. The mods were trying to tell me 1 additional connection would discourage new players. I had been in the group for nearly a year and a half, and an exception for an additional connection wouldn’t be made by the mods, even just to reassure me, and the other muns involved. As you will see in the screenshots below, I was told they didn’t want to set a precedent for exceptions, but I was also told nobody else in the group even wanted one. What is that if not an entirely pointless abuse of power?

A mun I was talking to about the unfairness of this rule reached out to a mod in a bid to explain they were upset by it. The mod brushed them off, and eventually this person felt if they continued to talk openly about their concerns their place in the group would be in jeopardy. They understandably chose to admit defeat. This particular mun was manipulated into silence. Though I do have proof of this, and full knowledge of the interaction, I don’t want to be responsible for this mun being removed from the group, and it isn’t my story to tell, so unfortunately I cannot provide these screenshots. Not long after this, I saw the mods do the same to another player when they reached out to voice some concerns. Myself, and this mun had been discussing the fact that the next 5 months of writing could arguably be considered worthless, and that it would be difficult to find muse, or the inspiration to form new connections knowing they were going to be erased when the reboot came. Because we both had similar questions surrounding this subject, they agreed to message the mods, passing along the response to me so that I could see what was said about the issue. I witnessed the mods brush them off too, and show a complete disregard for their unease. When this person suggested a poll to see whether players genuinely wanted such a large overhaul of the group, a suggestion the mun and I had discussed together, the mods told them the change would be happening no matter what, and though they didn’t explicitly state it would be happening regardless of whether players wanted it, they made it very clear they were not interested in making changes based on the views of their players. Their wording was careful to imply the mun was being listened to but at the same time they were writing off every concern that was raised without offering any genuine solutions.

While this was happening I was talking to people who had raised their concerns with the mod team, and been brushed off, or essentially told how they should feel. The mods themselves told me on more than one occasion that I should be excited rather than upset. They were actively encouraging anybody with worries, concerns, or issues to message them privately so that they could pressure, or manipulate them into silence. This was only giving the false impression nobody was upset, or anxious. I knew already, from speaking to my fellow members, that a lot of people had been seriously affected by the announcement. At least 2 people I considered friends went on hiatus immediately after the announcement to try and deal with the stress, and anxiety it caused them. I started to realise the mods were specifically asking people to come to them in private because their goal was to stop them from voicing their concerns to other players. This allowed them to maintain the illusion of every single player being excited for the reboot. Everything began to fall into place, and so I decided to ask the questions I had publicly, thinking even if other people didn’t come forward, at least my fellow players would see proof that not everybody was happy about the rules of the reboot. I wanted to make sure players knew there were members of the group who were upset. It also (I ridiculously thought) guaranteed I personally wouldn’t be brushed off, and my questions would not only be considered, but discussed, and answered openly in front of everyone.

I was admittedly worried that speaking out publicly in disagreement with the mods, no matter how polite I was, would put my place in the group at risk, something I really shouldn’t have needed to worry about. It goes without saying that in a group run by fair mods there wouldn’t be any consequence to open, and respectful discourse surrounding such a monumental change. But I was more worried about my potential future need for 3 connections, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop feeling anxious about it so I knew this was my only course of action. At one of my lowest moments, my friend who owns the coffee shop next door to where I live asked me if I was okay while I was picking up a coffee. Not only was I uncharacteristically quiet, for the first time ever I was visiting in my pyjamas, having deeply struggled to find the motivation to crawl out of bed, and dress myself. I burst into tears in the middle of her store. That’s how much this uncertainty was affecting me in my everyday life. Work was a pleasant distraction because I am lucky enough to love my job, but when I was given time to think, I was reminded of the fact that the hobby I leaned on as a mental crutch, the one thing keeping me sane through such a difficult time, was being ripped away from me, and the mods weren’t interested in listening to anyone who tried to explain how negatively the changes were affecting them.

This is why I steeled my resolve, and stubbornly pressed for an answer as to whether a 3 connection exception could be made if it ever became necessary. I did what I could to articulately explain my arguments. It was difficult due to my emotional instability, but looking back over the screenshots of the public conversation I believe I was polite and respectful. Fully aware that tone can often be misread in text, I even made a point of continually re enforcing the fact that I wasn’t angry, or intending to be impolite. I was trying to communicate to the best of my ability. Though, towards the end of the conversation, after so much confusion, and frustration surrounding being intentionally misunderstood by not only the mods, but muns scared of losing their favour with the mods, and subsequently their place in the group, who had been showing blind support, and being rude with me despite a lack of provocation, I will admit I was eventually rude in return. I made a short comment and deleted it minutes after posting. I then apologised for being rude despite the mods being rude to me first, and despite my attitude stemming from being ignored/deliberately misunderstood. 

The thing that I find the most upsetting, and part of what drove me to such a point, is the fact that I was being told different things by different mods. On more than one occasion it was heavily implied or even outright stated that exceptions could be made if we discussed them closer to the reboot. Each time I received one of these responses I felt an overwhelming rush of relief. Genuinely that reassurance was all I was hoping for, but it seemed each time I was reassured, it was then stated no exceptions would be made, regardless of when, or whether they were ever discussed. This constant up and down throughout the conversation only made it more difficult for me to stay calm. You can see just how many times the mods managed to contradict themselves in the screenshots posted below.

I stated multiple times, with emphasis, that I was willing to embrace the reboot. In fact, I wanted to keep all of Milo’s connections, so you could argue requesting 3 connections instead of only 2 was a very big compromise on my part, and proof that I was willing to work alongside the proposed changes to the group. Forgetting the fact that I was upset, and frustrated by the lack of respect being shown to the loyal players who would be losing a lot of writing/development, my anxiety over potentially having to lose 1 of 3 integral connections had started to cause me frequent anxiety attacks. There were at least 3 days leading up to being removed where the stress of the situation managed to bring me to tears. I couldn’t figure out a way to relax, especially following the public discussion, so I decided to private message a mod named Elliott. They were notorious among players for disregarding other people’s feelings, taking advantage of their power as a mod, and making selfish decisions within the group, however they were someone I had written a ship with, and who I genuinely felt understood by. When we had spoken in the past about situations I found difficult (Elliott decided to kill/retire Milo’s boyfriend which I struggled with despite encouraging them to take the character in any direction they felt inspired to) I thought I had been listened to, and understood. In the screenshot below you’ll see how this was maliciously thrown back at me so clearly I wasn’t understood, and Elliott didn’t respect my honesty, or the (what appeared to be at the time) healthy dialogue that followed it. 

Despite seeing how Elliott had treated other players who had spoken to them, I was somewhat naively hoping with more people coming forward, they might begin to see how big the issue really was, and how many players were feeling hurt/betrayed. But Elliott brushed me off in the same way they brushed off other players, intentionally misunderstanding me like the mods had in the public chat. I could see all of the mods were deliberately misreading my messages, misunderstanding me in an attempt to make me look far less reasonable than I was being, but I did my best to continue being polite with them. They were cold, and calculating, and I could see what they were doing, I could also see that it was working, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I allowed them to frustrate me, and rile me up into a state of abrasiveness, something I’m sure they were hoping to do so that they could accuse me of being toxic. But I refused to let them manipulate me into passive silence. 

It was around this point that I knew I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying in wickedsrest-rp. After being treated so badly, and realising how little the mods actually cared about me, it was already becoming a stifling, and uncomfortable environment. But like everybody else who was upset, I was torn. A year and 4 months of writing is an awful lot of development to throw away, and I genuinely enjoyed the group up until this complication. I had so many incredible plots I was working through, and for a long time wickedsrest-rp had been my safe space. If I lost that, I had no crutch, and finding long lasting groups isn’t always easy. That being said, I was hurt, angry, and betrayed, and so I stopped using my filter. I know I was rude, and I fully admit that, I’m taking responsibility for my part in this. But it’s important to note that I was only ever rude in response to feeling ignored, or disregarded. It could be argued I overstepped Elliott’s boundaries by replying to our private messages after they expressed a wish to step away, but I believe it’s far more nuanced than that, and you will see why in the screenshots below. 

The first time they asked to step away, I, albeit impolitely, responded. But in this response of mine I ended the conversation specifically due to Elliott asking to step away. Elliott was then the one to continue the discussion, and I cannot stress that enough. The second time they expressed a wish to step away, I replied to their final message exclusively in response to the arguments they had made before their request to end our interaction. I said what I needed to then stopped replying, and despite being blunt about it because of how emotional I was, I stated it was to respect Elliott's need for space. That means on both occasions Elliott asked for the conversation to end, I actively made an attempt to honour their wish, and officially close the discussion. To me, this feels like the opposite of not respecting boundaries.

Had I continued to message, or harass them, had I outright ignored their request, then I would understand the accusation of not respecting boundaries. It isn’t fair to treat this as such a black and white disregard for Elliott’s wellbeing, especially when my own wellbeing was blatantly being ignored which you are able to see evidence of in the main folder of these screenshots. I cared about them. I cared enough to acknowledge their request, in spite of how angry, and hurt I was. I made an active effort which is more than I can say for Elliott.

Almost immediately after the end of the conversation I was kicked from the group. I woke up from a nap to find the admins had removed me. They had then, almost comically, made a statement to the group claiming I wasn’t kicked because I disagreed with them on the connection rule, but because I disrespected somebody’s boundaries in a private message the group would never be able to see. Another clever way of trying to maintain the lie, to pretend everybody in the group was happy, and that the mods were only ever being respectful, and fair. I literally tried to end my conversation with Elliott twice because I was attempting to respect their boundaries. I’m not claiming to have done this well, but I genuinely made an attempt. Other people have done worse and not been asked to leave the group. As far as I’m concerned, the fact that the mods even felt the need to make such a ridiculous statement shows how obvious it is that I was removed because I had the audacity to ask for an exception to a ridiculous rule. 

They were nervous people might start to see through the cracks, see how controlling, and manipulative they actually are. No doubt the fear of speaking out against their authority has only grown in strength since I was removed, which means they have been successful in their goal. After a year and 4 months of no issues, after writing a ship with Elliot for months, they didn’t think to send me a warning, or a strike, or talk to me about the fact that they felt I had disrespected their boundaries. The mods removed me with no concern over why I was upset enough to send emotionally charged messages in the first place.

In the leaving message they sent me to explain why they were removing me from wickedsrest-rp, they stated reasons that were vastly different from the ones they offered to the group. Reasons that were blatantly not true, and very easy to disprove, such as ‘you are not willing to compromise, you are pressuring people into keeping their characters the same’. I’m going to re share a screenshot from the beginning of this post before sharing the message they sent me, so that you can blatantly see their contradictions. It would almost be laughable if it hadn’t caused me so much anxiety. 

Obviously, some of the reasons listed are more complex, based on the emotional responses of people I had spoken to, but some are outright dishonest, and you only have to read the conversations to see they aren't truthful statements. In the post addressed to the group the mods claimed I wasn’t removed due to their perceived notion of me being against the reboot. And yet in the messages sent to me they claimed I was being removed not just because I ‘disrespected boundaries’ but specifically because I was not being ‘open minded’ about the reboot. This is despite the fact that I never had any issues with the reboot, and made that clear on more than one occasion. My issue was with an unnecessary, and unfair rule the reboot would come alongside. The whole situation has been incredibly hurtful. The fact that other people felt the same way as I did but remained passive is also infuriating because it has allowed the mods to pretend private complaints aren’t happening, and insist everybody is showing positive responses to the announcement. 

Elliott lied to me about the people approaching them feeling satisfied, and excited after voicing their concerns, despite two people sending me screenshots of them messaging the mods in an attempt to explain how upset they were, messages Elliott themself had actually responded to. These players were essentially ignored by the very people telling them to reach out, and they were anything but comforted by the treatment they received. If anything, they felt gaslit, and manipulated into backing down.

It’s an awful way to treat people, especially considering people rp for fun, and grow attached to their characters. This group was my mental health crutch, and I really, really needed it. My safe space, and my comfort character have been stolen from me by people who are supposed to support, and encourage their players. It’s a HOBBY. I know players have spoken to the mods before about the rigid, and unempathetic way they choose to run their group. It feels strict, and uncomfortable, like a job where you are micro-managed by your ‘superiors’ and fired by them if they find any kind of personal motive to remove of you. Anybody who dares to question them or disagree with them has been removed either quietly, or under false pretences. 

I also find it interesting the mods used the fact that they were willing to reboot their own muses as a way of justifying their players being forced to do so. They clearly have no understanding of how different it is to choose that path, and have it forced upon you. It’s important to note the passive aggressive smiley in the screenshot posted below. The mods (Casey in particular) were the first to become rude with me during the public discussion, the frustration from this fact played a big role in how emotional I was when speaking to Elliott.

Everything about this situation shows just how out of touch they are with being a player in a long lasting group. It’s a heart-breaking position to be in, and I feel so justified in my anger. I know people who have been a part of their reboots in the past. They have told me with confidence that every previous reboot has been met with the same anger, and frustration, inevitably leading to people leaving the group, yet the mods ignore any complaints, and publicly claim the reboots are successful for the selfish motivations of rebooting their own characters, rewriting the lore/setting around what they want to change, primarily for their own gain. I guess they see their players as collateral damage. 

The worst part of this entire mess is that they could do all of these things while allowing people to make their own choices for their own characters, there is no reason at all for them to ignore their players, and not find ways to make these changes comfortable for everyone involved. After being removed, I was incredibly upset. I posted a public message on Milo’s account about how my experience with the mods had been terrible. I also sent an emotional ask (screenshots provided in the google drive because I’m genuinely not trying to pretend I didn’t have a strong reaction to being removed) making it clear to the mods that a lot of the group were angry, and upset with them. I was desperate for them to know people were too scared of them to come forward, and the treatment I received was exactly why. Recently I messaged them from a separate account (Milo’s account having been blocked by wickedsrest-rp) in the hopes of getting further clarification as to why I was removed. Part of me was genuinely hoping to have a serious conversation with them about everything that had taken place. 

I’ve been in a really dark place without being able to write Milo, and I was debating for a short while whether I might be open to re-joining the group if the opportunity ever presented itself. If writing in wickedsrest-rp allowed me that desperately needed respite from my mental health then maybe I could keep my head down and try to forget about the way that I had been treated. I know at least 2 people who have told me they would leave if they didn’t believe their mental health would suffer without the crutch of writing there. And I can genuinely understand that position. But part of me also knew, even if they didn’t want to openly discuss what had taken place, any dismissive, or rude messages would further add to my proof of their mistreatment. I was stupidly too anxious to remember to screenshot the ask I sent, but in it I apologised (profusely) for my behaviour, and requested a group message including all of the mods. I knew if I didn’t take responsibility, and lay it on thick, I had no hope of ever being contacted, so I did everything to appear sincere, and appeal to their overinflated egos. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what might have been achieved if they did decide to answer me, but it would have been interesting to see whether they doubled down on their dishonesty. I’ll never know how they would have handled further discourse, because instead of recognising my ask was overwhelmingly reasonable, and polite, and nothing about my behaviour was extreme enough to warrant outright ignoring me, they blocked the account I used to send the ask. They refuse to speak to me, and so I’ve become another mistreated player, another person they cast aside, and attempted (emphasis on attempted) to silence. 

But I won’t let them pretend they run a group of happy players. I won’t let them pretend they have treated me fairly and that I was removed due to ‘disrespecting boundaries’ rather than disagreeing publicly with an unreasonable rule. I will not let them sweep me aside so that they can continue the pretence of being well liked by their players. A lot of their group, and I know this because people have actively confided in me, are too scared to leave because they will have nowhere else to go. They are too scared to abandon such long, and complexly developed pieces of writing. So much so, that I know for a fact at least one person in the group was removed by them before without a fair, or justifiable reason, and said person was so desperate for a place to write that they re-joined under an alias despite how horrifically they had been treated. I refuse to do that. I won’t give these mods the satisfaction of supporting them again, and I’m not going to let them treat me like this without making it known to the community. If you’ve made it this far, I’m genuinely impressed. I sincerely thank you for hearing me out.  Hopefully you’ll appreciate this story, and consider leaving the group to find somewhere better, somewhere that appreciates you. Or you’ll avoid the group when it re opens for applications, and recognise the fact that, whoever you are, and whoever your character is, wickedsrest-rp doesn’t deserve you.