me, myself, and the world

having a really nice toasty reminiscing moment in front of my cute new heater!! TEHEHHEHEH. bought it off of another backpacker for ten bux. YE, BUDDYYY

this year away from my homeland has been so healthy for me! I realize that I had been hanging out with all these people that just didn’t see the same way, or value the same things that I did. and that difference ended up being really poisonous to my perception of myself. They gave me shame to feel for being me. but now I’m over it. silly kids

in retrospect, I feel (and this could change again later in life), that I’ve only felt the fuzzy lovey feelings for three out of five big relationships. the first and third exes were a bit emotionally abusive, the latter being unintentionally so, and the former being grossly, pathetically so. but that’s aight, I’m out of the fray and have displaced myself far enough to see that my personal needs have never been filled by any one person in the past. and I’m sure we’ve all learned great lessons since then.

Today I find myself in the best relationship I’ve ever had. someone who has also been through a lot of mud, and is fully confident in their own self worth, to the point that they don’t need to find things to criticize in others like sooooo so many people I used to hang around did. and they’ve held me when I needed to be held, and supported me through all of my trauma and panic attacks because they care about how I feel, and how I hurt, and how to help me heal, instead of trying to discredit my accounts because it wasn’t something they wanted to believe. our relationship also relies on full honesty, trust, and reason–things so many others fail to reach. we trust each other to announce our true feelings, leading to a very liberal arrangement that other, more insecure or monogamous people might find threatening. (WHILE ALSO acknowledging the FACT that I am a bisexual and not dismissing or flatly fetishizing the idea of myself in combination with other wiminz). I enjoy my partner thoroughly. I’m gonna take care of this one. I want to do for them what they do for me. and I am happy to say that I feel very appreciated. and free! and understood, and cared for, and listened to, and trusted, and we love all the same foods thank the heavens. they make me feel worthy of love, which unfortunately is pretty opposite from what most of my past partners would do for me. AND THEY TRAVEL! Goddamn that’s crucial. we do run into bumps like any other couple, but smoothing them out only levels up the bond. we’re also unlocking new ways to maximize chain orgasms all the time. so that’s pretty kickass.

in the past, one or another of my exes may have checked off good numbers of these feelings as well. but never this many. I’ve never felt so fully supported as a person, and I’m mega excited to say that I’m actually happy that things are gettin cereal. I’ve never been sure about committing to anyone before because I would always have some glaring misalignment between my exes and me that I worried would be a source of.. suppression within myself, forever. They made me feel guilty for wanting to do things to make myself happy. but forreal, there’s so many vastly different people out there just floatin around and all it took was finally taking a step out of a scene that I didn’t belong in to find someone who could get me. I ain’t sayin I’m some special snowflake or that there’s someone out there for everyone. no way. for example, sociopath rapists like iggy should get nobody. until they quit their nasty ways and finally see what total psychos they are, anyway. and beautiful souls like justin should have lovers who can give them stable, promise-love. unlike me. and I’m sorry to have caused hurt to such a lovely person. I’m not saying that my now-person is the only one for me either. absolutes are dangerous in every form, and to believe that we all have one destined soulmate in the world is totally ridicks. maybe in a few years we all will have grown and evolved again, and new matches and loves of totally different rhythms will be found with entirely different people.

anyway. I’ll digress on the weird feelings-talk. I’m just sayin I’m feelin pretty lucky these days and even though I will always be ready for a day when your heart will change right in front of me (or vis-versa, because we’re only human), I’m really enjoying this thang we have right here right now. EW BARF GROSS PEH

MY EYES WERE LOOKIN SO SMANGIN WEDNESDAY NIGHT I SWURR I was boutta drown in my own glittery blisssssszz

but yeah I haven’t had the time or opportunity to whip out my wonderfully obnoxious falsies till porter robinson’s show (which was great but so short that I truly believe we have a right to be upset. I mean, scalps went up to $120 and we got less than an hour from him? ended at 10:56????? I expected better from Sydney, but I guess it’s for all the homies who work early in the morning.)

Anyway I did my eyes SO WELL compared to how I usually do, with horrendous blending and careless color choices. you can still see my patches and junk but it’s because you have to dab the glitter on wet and it really mucks up the powder you’ve already got on. wish the glitter came out better in the photos, but it was amazing in person and that’s all that mattered. was reallllly looking to find a girl that night, but all the ones I chatted up ended up being taken or sick. and a quick make-out is NOt worth getting sick over.

meanwhile, over the past few months I’ve been working with an amazing woman, helping model for her lookbook which she hopes to release this winter. she definitely doesn’t go easy on me and I’ve been coming home sore after every fitness/model training session I do with her, but it’s super fun. I’ve been learning so much about the industry and being a proper lady in general. and I’m that much closer to my ultimate fantasy dream of being a lingerie model! AHHHHHHHHHH