Slip through

We were aliens trapped in unfamiliar bodies, trying desperately to disconnect ourselves to this weight that tied us down to this planet. All we wanted was to go home.

I think the problem with EDNOS is that you're constantly in the middle. It's never bad enough be hospitalised for or to be diagnosed with, but it's bad enough to take away being able to function. Then when you recover, you're constantly waiting for it to bite back. It's watching you but you can't see it and in all shame... You just want it to come back to kill you. I wish so often to relapse so I can just die. I remember reaching 40kgs and all I wanted was this to kill me so it wouldn't look like suicide. But then you realise you would need to weigh around 20kgs in order to achieve that.

I'm starting to remember the shame I used to feel. Or the constant embarassment. I would never be able to say "I'm not hungry, one of the people in my class brought in cake to share with everyone so I'm feeling full from that". If I said that I'd feel embarassed for lying about eating cake. I wouldn't want people think I ate cake. I remember a girl offered me a lolly once, and I said "Umm....umm... No thank you" and she said "Wow, you used to say straight out no thanks, but you actually thought about it"

Going to start using this blog since my work follows my other one. A few weeks ago I was out clubbing with my boyfriend and his friends (like I have friends of my own) and one of them was this short inidian guy who looks like Kanye West. Anyway, he picked me up and said "wow you're heavier than I though, I mean. I pick up girls your height and they're a lot lighter" Having ecstacy come downs I kinda  just dwell on that a lot, Watching Ss vs Ss I feel like everything has been triggered. Pills this weekend, working long hours this week so Im going to burn heaps. Even If I eat a lot when I get home I'll still exercise so it's not too bad.