Mis-adventures of a first time online dater

I basically was on my second round of “let’s just give up with online dating again” because it was all just turning into a huge waste of time. Everyone I picked was boring, unattractive in real life, or both. It was grating. I started to question whether I was attracting the right kinds of people. I started letting my roommate pick my bagels. And kind of glad I did.

She matched me with this boy who I totally shrugged off at first. “Not cute,” I declared, handing her the phone. She looked at me and pressed the match button. “What the hell!” I exclaimed. “I’m just going to unmatch him later... whatever...” She shrugged and kept looking. There were some cute contenders that day, but their profiles were so lackluster and terrible, I didn’t even feel bad passing on them. Learned that lesson a while ago. No effort on profile? No effort on dating. Pass!

So I looked to see who she matched me with. And I was clicking on the guy’s profile. He was a med student in the city too. His profile was good, but not /too/ good, you know, like he was interesting but not too full of himself. His hairline was kind of receding. I felt I could do better, maybe. Then I saw his opener about fencing. It was almost exactly my opener about fencing, except he also fenced in college as well. Whoa. What are the odds? So I just left it because... wow!

Then he sent me a message that was endearing and showed that he read my profile. Double wow. Heck yeah, definitely gonna go on a date with this one. We ended up going to a board game cafe, where we spent the whole time trying to figure out how to play the game instead of getting to know each other. Oops. He also kept pronouncing all of the cities wrong, which I guess was cuz he was nervous. It was kind of hilarious. He paid for coffee and the games, despite my protests. Alright. I approve. I had to go to a dinner ,so he decided to walk me partially there. He ended up walking me most of the way there, and then we stood there about to say goodbye and he’s like, “ah.. I never know how to end these things...” and i tried to save him by saying I had a good time and giving him a hug. Done.

Cue second date. We went to dinner at this burger place and the conversation just flowed like you wouldn’t believe. It didn’t make me feel exhausted after. We walked around for a bit after, got dessert, and then he walked me all the way to the bus stop and waited with me until the bus came. I could tell he was debating whether or not to kiss me but I was feeling skittish so I dodged it. He told me later he was kicking himself for not having done so.

I invited him to see Thor with me, and he suggested coming to where I was so that I didn’t have to travel as much. It’s like he read my mind. We ended up getting dinner and cuddling on the couch to watch another movie, and then he asked if I knew the bus schedule so that he could get home. I checked and the last bus of the night was 1 minute away. So I told him he could stay over if he’d like, and he said that if it was no trouble he could stay on the couch or something. I was like, lol, yeah you can do that but I’m gonna sleep in the bed. And he said haha just kidding, and we ended up having sex that night and I was pleasantly surprised. He was really hunky under all that clothing and there was really nothing for me to complain about.

Stressed because of studying that I have been putting off but luckily one of my required classes today has been marked optional.

https://www.vogue.com/article/how-to-let-go-of-chill-girl-persona

Honestly this is the most helpful and freeing thing I have read and thank you to my friend who posted it on facebook because I’ve just been struggling to find myself these days. I’ve been struggling to stop looking at my phone to find attention that’s not there, I’ve been struggling to come to terms with being single, being on my own. And what about all those things I could’ve been doing? What about all the work I could’ve finished by now, allowing me to do what I really want to be doing? I’ve wasted all this time wishing to be someone that I’m not, wishing to be somewhere else, doing something else. And yet, am I really happy?

There’s some part of me that does like him, or else I’m starting to become infatuated, because my mind wants to like him but then he keeps doing these things that could be red flags and yet I ignore them. And I consciously have to ignore them. I thought I was over him when we were hanging out, but now that we’re apart I’m thinking about him again.

We finally had the talk and he said he hadn’t thought much about us and where we were going with whatever we were doing, and asked if I could give him time. I’d been thinking about it nonstop the entire weekend, and he realized that I had been thinking when I was supposed to be studying for my exam. Ugh. So much lost time... I suggested offhandedly that we didn’t have to stop seeing each other immediately, that we could have one last nice date. And he seemed really into the idea of having one really nice last date where we would have a great day and then part ways...

And then we proceeded to spend four consecutive days together.... fuck. On the last morning he stopped in the middle of sex and said he’d been thinking about our last date and he asked if the next one should be our last. And I was like yeah probably, cuz I was feeling kind of bored by then, even with all the sex we were having. Which was nice but like .... idk. I can kind of tell he’s not the one but my hormones miss him a lot. I asked if we could still be friends, and he said yeah. But there’s probably gonna be a period of no contact after just to help things out. It’s kind of complicated in my head because his birthday is tuesday, and I don’t know how much he cares about it. He snapped me that his family took him out for dinner and cake last night, while I was out with maple. Maple was trying to pull some moves but I really was pretty emotionally and physically exhausted and I think he could kind of tell I wasn’t gonna bite. Even though he said no pressure and that we could do whatever I want, he was still fishing to see if I was interested, but like actually I am done with that. I get the feeling he put me on a pedestal of past flames but we’re not even operating in the same realm anymore.

All the potential convos end up with me telling him to do us both a favor and not settle for this, if he’s looking for someone who will go out and do naturey things with him, he’s definitely going to find that person on the west coast. I’m probably never leaving the east coast, although that’s actually debatable. If anything I would go to the west coast because my friends are there too. I’m definitely not trying to keep him here against his will and I doubt I factor much into that decision anyway. 

In that case... is there any point in going on? I could potentially find someone else here who is more compatible with me. Not saying that I don’t like him, but saying that we shouldn’t be holding each other back if this isn’t actually what we want. If we’re both thinking that long term we can change each other... then I guess it’s all fun and games now but there’s going to be a lot of disappointment in the future. 

I feel like someone punched me in the gut

I casually asked him what his plans were after school ends, and he says he’s probably gonna move to the west coast.

what

maybe this should’ve come up, you know, when we were talking about what we were looking for.

When he said it, I was stunned into silence, and he said later that he noticed it and should’ve said more, but he didn’t.

We were sitting on the train and I just kind of didn’t say anything after that.

What do you say to something like that? i mean, we’re pretty new, it’s only been 3 months, one of which I was away, and we haven’t labeled anything. I get the sense that he’s not even 100% into whatever we’re doing. My old paranoia about people dating me cuz I’m cute is coming back...

Honestly, I don’t know what he’s thinking at all, it’s hard to tell because he doesn’t say much about feelings and stuff. But I guess that’s him? ISTJ? I’m INFJ.... I guess we share two of the things in common. The worst two lmfao.

I had to text him later because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And ofc I have an exam too, to study for. He said he wasn’t 100% sure he was leaving, and he guessed that whatever our plans were would probably depend on that. He said he’d figure it out, he said he didn’t want to keep me guessing.... guessing??? I feel like he just told me to go fuck myself. Hey, so you thought this was gonna be forever and always right? But nope. I’m gonna leave in a year... so uh yeah this means nothing.

k.

I suddenly know how it felt when that other guy in Chicago told me he didn’t know how to keep dating me when I was leaving in a year. Yeah. At least I told him ahead of time.

God. I like this kid, although I don’t know why he would like me. He’s pretty condemning of meat and I’m a hard core carnivore. I sent him this satirical video on what it’d be like if meat eaters behaved like vegans and he responded that the guy in the video was an idiot... kinda harsh for a joke? Like come on. It made me a little uncomfortable. 

am I just that boring?

does he not even want to talk to me?

does he not think I’m being funny?

like what the hell is the point of me texting if not to get a response? I could just talk to myself then. Ugh. So annoyed. 

Holy

Fuck

Damn

I still cant get over how entitled this shit is lmfaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaao

I’m still not convinced this morning was real. Especially since I was awake hours before my usual time. But the evidence is there on my text messages. I guess I actually did hook up with my lab partner lmfao... I can’t remember if I ever code named him so I’m gonna use Lark. 

It all started with Master of None. I was contemplating whether I should just go for it, and ask him out. I made the mistake of telling my roommate. To my surprise, she told me to go for it. After all, classes were done, we weren’t tied together in an awkward situation anymore where we had to see each other every day. We barely saw each other (except that he sits right behind me during exams) unless it was by accident at the gym. 

Annoyingly, she wouldn’t let it go. She hounded me to ask him out. And I finally did it to just prove to her that it wasn’t going to work. I’d spent months thinking that I liked him, suspecting he liked me back, puzzling over his mixed signals, and it was finally time to give the fuck up. He was leaving in 3 days to do basic training in Texas, until mid July. I was leaving in a week also for a month, getting back in mid-July. What was the point of starting something now? 

And yet, we were texting about nothing, texting to text. I finally asked him if he wanted to get lunch on friday after our exam. I’d previously invited him to lunch with me and the roommate as a joke, telling him he could join us. He joked that we would ditch her and take his motorcycle. I was like lol nah. This was maybe monday? Then on wednesday I ask him if he wanted to go to lunch on friday. And hes like sounds good *thumbs up*. Damn. I didn’t expect him to actually agree without clarifying. Fuck. So then I had to clarify like the weenie I was, and I’m pretty sure at that point he could tell it was a date but I still wasn’t sure. So we don’t figure out where to go, except maybe to this neighborhood close by. 

The day of, I was such a wreck. He texted me that he was ready to go and my heart just started going into spasms. I blame it on the exam. He texts again to say that I should wear long pants, not shorts. Fuck!!! We’re actually going to take his bike, yikes! I go down, and his roommate opens the door, trying to keep a straight face, and he’s like, can I help you? And I’m like ahh I’m here for Lark. Is he here? and he gives me a glare as I nervously smile and he starts closing the door. Damnit! The old overprotective father bit. He opens it and he’s like, just kidding! come in! 

The darn fool is in the bathroom, so I’m making nervous conversation with roommate, and he comes out and he’s like hey, so where are we going? And I was like oh fuck I was supposed to look that up... And I can barely look him in the eye. Everything just feels so damn awkward. And he’s running around looking for his boots, he pats his pockets, and we head out. We go downstairs, and run into a bunch of fucking people from our year. Awk. When we get to the garage, he realizes he forgo this car keys, so we have to make the whole awkward journey back. Luckily for us, only one elevator is working, so the same people we passed on the way out are still there. One of them asks me where I went that i came back so fast. Ded. And then the icing on the cake, my other semi-oblivious roommate comes back, and I try to engage her in conversation but it dies because of how long the elevator takes. At that moment, she decides to ask where I’m going. I give her a look and I’m about to respond but then she says “oh, right.” FUCK. I am 50 shades of crimson now. We ride the elevator up, and then we get off at his floor, and my friend looks at me strangely but I avoid eye contact. His roommates are like, what happened, and then he grabs his car keys, we go back down, I’m so high key wired that I’m about to explode if you so much as lit a cigarette in this joint. He walks us to the bike and he’s like, ok, have you ever ridden? And I’m like no. And he explains to me a few things and then I’m holding the helmet in my hand like oh god. And i’m like nope Im scared I can’t do this, and I start hyperventilating and he just ignores me and is fiddling with his bike and then we figure out how the helmet works on my head and i have to take my glasses off and it’s more tragic mess, and then I get on and I feel the panic rising and I’m like oh god I need like 2 minutes give me 2 minutes and he just starts revving the motorcycle and I’m like AHHHH and I grab onto him and basically squish the fuck out of him and also bash my helmet into his 800 times (wtf, how come nobody ever talks about how this happened?! I never even expected it and I spent the whole way bashing my helmet into his everytime we braked (which was a lot)). 

He talks to me a little on the way there, and I’m just like ahhhfsodfjsfds ? We finally get there and I tried to enjoy the view, but my legs were so shaky and I was hot, and I could feel that I was sweating on him probably and pressing my boobs against him (lmfao) and he was hot because I was all up in his space. We just talked a little about random things, then I asked him how I could avoid hitting my helmet against his, and he laughs and says to just anticipate the braking and also that I didn’t have to hold him so tightly. I told him I didn’t want to fall off and die. We had some more chit chat, more me being awkward, some laughter about random things, and then we went back and it was slightly better this time, except that I totally held on to his oblique muscles instead and I totally felt him up the whole time. It was nice. We passed by our entire class on the lawn on the way back, and he said he had to play squash with another classmate and told me to come for happy hour, but i said that I was going downtown to see wonder woman (totally fucking worth it!!!!!!!! that movie gives me so much life. Like way better than a year of awesome sex. Because it’s so fulfilling. Girl power, man!!!) So glad I went instead of hanging onto him like a thirsty thot. Cuz that was reserved for this morning.

When we parted ways he said, see you later, hopefully. And I said yeah see you! And then I didn’t see him that night. He texted me before the movie (I was already downtown) asking if I had left yet. Yeah, I did. I asked him if I should text him when I got back (which would be super fucking late).  And he said yeah, let me know what time. And i told him. And then he said his phone was dying! So I told hiim to charge it. And then I asked him if he was still awake, when I got back, and I got no response, so I went to bed.

I randomly woke up at 5:30 AM this morning, and there was a text from him literally 4 minutes after I said fuck it I’m going to bed ( I gave him 40 mins to respond) and he said sorry!! I didn’t think you would make it back so fast. And then I was like, well you clearly didnt sleep. And he’s like, neither did you. And I was jokingly like, wanna watch it now? And he’s like yeah I’m just coming back from printing stuff. And then he said he had to pack, which he still didn’t do. I was half delirious, which was the only reason I said, ok but can we cuddle tho. And omg, he responds, yes pls, im packing in a panic. And then I told him to just come in and not wake up the oblivious roommate who was here. And I hear him come in 20 minutes later and he knocks and comes into my room, and then he puts all his shit on my desk. And I stand up because I’m in bed and I feel awk, but I’m too sleepy, and I’m trying to show him my photos but its clear he doesnt gaf lmfao. 

So I get into bed, and I move over, and he lays down, and I wrap myself on him. He’s chewing gum so he smells all nice, with his deodorant or aftershave or whatever the fuck he wears. We have a bit of conversation, and he kind of entwines our legs together for a while, and then he suddenly gets up over me and starts kissing me, and grinds his pelvis into me, and it’s just as jarring as I thought it was going to be, and I’m running my hands all up and down his back, and he’s trying to choke me and pull my hair at the same time and I’m like huh what, and then apparently he interprets my cuddle text as “you texted me to come and fuck you” like ok bruh maybe sometimes cuddles are just cuddles. And anyway then sex and it was interesting in a this could maybe be good if we weren’t all freaking out about you needing to leave in 10 mins and also jeez stop trying to choke me, and also how do you like anything, and I’m drying up because I need more foreplay and I’m tired and its morning and I have a date in 3 hours... YUP.

And then his alarm goes off while I’m on top, and he looks at me, and he’s just like, please dont stop, and we let it ring for a while, and then I hear my roommate get up (fuck! I forgot she had volunteering so she was gonna wake up) and we fuck for a while more, and it’s still surreal and then he gets up to shut the alarm off and then we get back to bed and fuck some more, and then his alarm rings again, and he’s like damn it, I want to come, and I’m like ok come for me then, and then the alarm shuts off and his phone starts buzzing, and he’s like fuck, that’s my captain. 

I’m like, omg why are you like this!!!! and he wants to finish and then he finishes and then we get dressed and he picks up the phone and hes like yes sorry i will be there, and I hear some stern reprimanding on the other line, and he’s like im at the elevator with my bags, and then he runs out with his socks and omg he’s not wearing shoes -___- and I shut the door, and then I’m like, oh wait, and I go out, and I’m like, hey give me a hug. And he’s like oh right, and he hugs me and kisses me and then goes back to waiting for the elevator. Lol this fool. 

Yup. What a ridiculous way to spend a rainy Saturday evening.

So, the facts are these:

1. I agreed to go on a date with this really hunky personal trainer.  2. We went to get KBBQ  3. 3 bottles of soju and 4 really bad losses at pool later, I end up going home alone on the subway at midnight.

Sounds bad, man.

I guess I was just lonely. I wanted him to be a fuckboy who would get a few drinks in me and take me home. Instead, he seemed rather reserved (was it boredom?) and aloof (was he trying to be cool??). We waited about 20 minutes for our table to be ready (and it took me a good 10 minutes to actually find the place, because it was in what looked like a residential building, on the second floor. We made some minor chitchat, he looked out at the crowd instead of at me. The only time he looked at me for a prolonged period of time that night was probably when I came back from the bathroom, and I felt him staring at me as I weaved through the crowd, until I finally met his eyes and smiled. He looked... anxious? Constipated? I have no idea.

The conversation, for the most part, was strained. I tried really hard to be engaging and charming (maybe I was really tired and didn’t notice?) but he was having none of it. On top of it all, our server was an asshole who instantly shot down any requests he had. 

At least my date (I guess we’ll call him Kalbi in the spirit of things, and don’t get me wrong, he was definitely a meathead) looked like his pictures, and he was pretty handsome and definitely packing a mean body under the strange patchwork denim button down he was bulging out of. I mean, the buttons were straining to stay in place. And I wasn’t really sure how he had rolled the sleeves up those massive forearms. But hey. Gave me something to look at XD during those long silences where he wasn’t saying anything. 

Things I learned in the long minutes before our food came:

1. he does not like breakfast 2. nobody should eat like he eats and look the way he looks 3. he used to be a voice major but he doesn’t like singing in front of people 4. he does not like vegetables

yup that was about it. I think I seemed more scandalized than I actually was, because I was like what the hell do you eat, man. I thought he would open up with more soju but it really didn’t change. He was not going to talk more than he had been. The server rushed us out, and the check came, and they put it right on top of the grill. K. He reached for it and I reached for my wallet, and tried to hand him my card. “Oh, it’s ok,” he says, “You can get drinks,” as he rather anxiously looked at the amount on the bill. We left and yes it was awkward.

After dinner, we went downstairs, and he ran into someone he knew. And then the introductions happened and I think his friend was like, oh so how did you guys meet? And I just looked at him and smiled and he looked down and kind of half smiled, and his friend was like ooooh gotcha. And then they said some other stuff, and I could’ve sworn his friend asked him whether he was planning to take me back home and Kalbi was like ah I’m not sure yet. LOL. WHAT. K.

And so I hung around, despite my better judgment. Did I mention it was raining? We went to another “residential” building, where there was a pool bar on the top floor. It was dark and ambient. He seemed to know the host at this place, and we got some balls, and I proceeded to do the worst job anyone could possible do at playing pool that anyone had ever seen. I’m pretty sure a wild ape could probably have done better. I managed to hit about 6 balls into the hole, 4 of which were the white ball itself. Whew! I could’ve sworn I was better that one time when I was playing with my friend. It was “fun” I guess, but he was respecting my personal space and totally not trying to play the whole movie scene where the boy “helps” the girl learn pool. Maybe he thought I was beyond hope. Maybe I was. Two bottles of soju later I figured I was probably not going to get better. 

As this was pool by the hour, he asked me to go tell them we were done while he went and grabbed the balls. So I went up by myself and told them we were going to close out. Our server handed me the bill and it was 83$. What. the. actual.fuck. 83$ for two bottles of soju and apparently 1 and a half hours of pool. Fuck!!!??? I numbly handed them my credit card, and watched as the piece of plastic did not register the amount that had just been taken out of my wallet. I hear Kalbi’s voice behind me as they handed me back my receipt to sign. “Oh, that wasn’t supposed to happen.” and I’m like huh? And he says,” I wasn’t trying to tell you to pay, you were just supposed to tell them we were done. We could’ve split this...” And I’m like ah... whatever the fuck. Like I already gave them my card. “It’s ok,” I said, rather lamely, “You got dinner after all.” Whatever. 

Then we went to play beer pong and he bought a pitcher of beer and then I proceeded to land the first ball in and none of the others, but he won the first game for us, and then the second game I guess the beer hit him, but I got two balls in and then the guys going against us thought I was secretly good, but I was really terrible. And then he tried to high five me for a ball that didn’t go in so I play punched him in the stomach and holy fuck it was like punching a wall, like I felt the vibrations coming back into my fist. Really fucking impressive abs. At some point his shirt was unbuttoned and he was wearing this gray tank top under... like mmmmmm and I totally did feel him up and he put his hand lightly on my back. Then we were standing at the bar cuz we lost, and I was stroking his back muscles and kind of his abs and just enjoying the buzz and trying to ignore the fact that he was utterly boring. And he was like, what do you want to do now? And I was like uhhhhh... what time is it? Oh it’s 11. I should probably go home. And he’s like how are you going to do that? I was like, oh I’ll just take the train. And he’s like oh I don’t know if I like the thought of you going on the train alone by yourself. And I was like oh it’s fine. (not like he’s offering to take me home). And then he said he would walk me to the train station. I asked him if he was going home and he said probably not. He walked me all the way to the turnstyles. I got to hold his bicep while we walked. Holy fuck. That shit is as big as my head. But oh well. That’s all I’m gonna get. 

Yup. So tl;dr my wallet got fucked but I did not.

hooray, tinder

oh the best part of the night was that I accidentally sent a snap to my ex-crush, my ex-lab partner, that I was drunk and horny and alone. It was meant for growlithe. Fuck. He sent back “lmfaooo send more pls” and I was like “awks”

He wanted to video chat and then I guess I seemed kind of dejected so he was like “ah, maybe we should turn off video so the signal is better.” And then we ended switching over to phone.

I asked him if he was willing to compromise, because I still had hope, I guess, even after all that had happened. And he said, probably not. 

Well, I guess that’s that.

He told me he still cared about me. That he still wanted to see me, that he admired me.

I wanted to tell him to shove it. Instead, I told him that I didn’t want to see him if it was going to be like what it was last week. He admitted that coming up here was part of the problem, that he was starting to resent it. And I knew, because I’ve made that trip my whole life. I know exactly how long it takes and how frustrating it is. But i do it because I have no other choice. 

I said I was willing to compromise, if he was. And he said I’d probably compromised enough. Well, I have. It was really just me asking if he was willing to. And I guess that answer was no.

He wanted to know if we could still be friends. I told him, realistically, no. Like I might not never want to see him again, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to end up talking or hanging out. What’s the point? If we did talk and hang out normally, then we probably wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place, which is the hilarious part of this whole story. But this boy wants to live on some fantasy island where he can get what he wants.

He told me he felt bad for compartmentalizing me, and then asked if he could come up and see me next week. I was like..... does nobody see the irony in this??? Clearly he doesn’t see it. I told him I didn’t want to drag it out any longer. It was clear he didn’t want to give me the respect I deserved. I asked him why he would come, and he said he wanted to be here to “make me feel better.”

How the damn hell are you supposed to do that? The cut stings now but it will heal. And hopefully it won’t scar. I told him not to bother. At which point, he said “I already miss you.”

Well, you wouldn’t have to, if you weren’t such a spineless softcore fuckboy. “Oh I wanna see you but I don’t wanna see you like we’re in a relationship but also don’t fuck anyone else” I told him not to bother missing me. What was the point? 

I told him not to insult me by coming back a week later and saying he missed me and wanted to get back together. I ain’t about that life. If you cared you would try. But clearly you don’t care enough. And if you don’t care about me, why should I waste my time and energy caring about you? It’s not like I was slacking. I put the requisite amount of work into making this work and he just walked all over me and I let him. 

He seemed upset when I said that, like I was shutting the door permanently. And he asked me not to block him. Ugh. Whatever, but I don’t wanna hear from him. Like what is the point. There’s nothing for us to talk about now. I don’t really wanna shoot the shit. I guess the door is open if he ever grows up and wants a relationship but it seems like he never considered me in his future at all.

But why?

Why come all the way here to see someone you’re going to break up with?

Are we already broken up?

We are already broken.

Can we be fixed?

I highly doubt he is coming. I would not be surprised if he bailed.

And yet, why am I so disappointed nonetheless?

I am not ready to say goodbye to him. I suspect he’s going to say goodbye to me. Which like, fine.

Advice to myself:

Girl. Remember you keep spouting that line from perks of being a wallflower. We accept the love we think we deserve. It’s true. if you keep accepting this behavior, how can you expect anything better? He’ll think it’s okay to do you like this. Telling him it’s not okay was the first step. 

It’s okay if you’re not strong enough to leave. Leaving doesn’t always have to be the answer. You can talk with him when he comes on Thursday (if he comes, I guess. You know he’s kind of just using you for comfort right? It’s clear his life is a mess, he’s kind of just running away from his problems, and pretty soon you’ll be one of his problems) He says he’ll come Thursday. He’ll be apologetic. He’ll try to manipulate you with his cuddles and his soft words. But he will be stubborn to change. You’ll suggest it and he’ll scoff, breaking the demeanor you’ve come to know. That little hint of snippy attitude, the one you recognize that you’re not going to like. That’s going to be the spark that sets this whole ship aflame. Will you be ready to abandon ship when that time comes?