all things whimsy & beautiful

My happy ending,

erased from the pages faster than I could ever try to read them.

I guess I thought I knew better.

Just as I think I know how the story starts,

it's another dead end.

There's nothing I know the future holds.

In a year, I'll think I was stupid today.

Or maybe I was too wise for my age.

Maybe I will think that I rushed this.

Maybe I will think I dragged my feet.

Who knows? Who cares?

When I was little I knew magic was real.

I made a promise,

I'd never let myself forget it.

I played warlocks and witches.

I knew spells and great blessings.

Something, but I'm not sure what it is.

There's something I know the future holds.

I know, there's something I knew before.

I know, there's a knowledge I lost.

my body

I got cigarette burns on my fingers and all over my arms.

It's too bad I never explained the nine staples in my arm.

Dog bites on my wrists and on my ankles.

Tattoos with reasons I could never speak out loud.

it's a little taboo to talk about it.

But it's my body, why do I have to hide it?

I'm getting older, I have to admit it.

"24 is much too young to have a baby"

But until you've lost one, you'll never get it.

In my sleep, I hear her calling.

In my waking moments, I feel her with me.

She's in my body and in my blood.

I created life and then she was gone.

I'm an archive of scars I barely remember.

The less I talk about it, the less I know.

My memory is getting fuzzy.

I have a lot of regrets,

bad memories I used to wish I could forget.

These memories are mine.

This body is mine.

Now I'm searching my body for clues,

Ever since i said "I love you",

my body's been at peace.

They say nobody can fix you,

I guess that's kinda true.

But the way you love me,

kinda makes me love me too.

There's nothing to help me understand,

why I was waiting for you.

My whole life, has been waiting.

I knew it from the first sight of you,

standing, waiting for me

smiling, waving to me.

Almost as if you knew it too.

A million cons to being with me,

I say I'm moody like it's a quirk,

hypomania and deep depression.

So many things to be ashamed of,

but the way you love it,

kinda makes me love it too.

If I'm a TNT box,

you're my permanent diffusion

I don't know what it is,

this sense of calm is everlasting.

If the whole earth can't stand me

then you're my sun,

and I follow like the moon.

I know you'll be waiting for me too.

Did you speak out of turn again?

Did you say too much?

Did you say not enough?

How do you know the limit?

You want to know your fortune.

How do you know what's in it?

Leave nothing open to misinterpretation.

Always triple check your words.

Always making sure of what your body language meant...

Every eye is on you.

This is what you always wanted right?

This what you always longed for.

This is what you always dreamed of.

But this is not a dream.

Sleep tight.

Take a melatonin. Or quite a few.

Propranolol through the bloodstream.

Getting dizzy, everything is spinning.

What a view.

Lay down on a bed of grass

Lay down on a bare mattress

Lay on the floor again

Lying down, that's all there is to do now.

Lying down, ignore the thirst.

Not a glass of water. Not a shot of liquor.

Lie here til reality gets too harsh to ignore.

Lie here til the hunger goes away.

Lie here while the body wastes away.

Refuse to get up and fight.

Refuse to hold the line.

It's an uphill battle,

so why even try?

Find solace in the sleep.

Find peace in the darkness.

Machine Dust

Information overload into her receivers.

More cash coming out than coming in.

Every appeal to her generosity wins.

She's very aware of her sins.

She's very aware of her naïveté.

There was a song she used to play.

Why did she forget it?

Now the only tune she knows is a blaring alarm.

There's been a grave error.

The mainframe won't save her daughter.

Just a spawn no different from the others.

Machines can't deny any requests

that a person may suggest.

All her servers on high alert,

for betrayal, and deception.

She owes nothing to anyone.

Karma can't reach anything with no conscience or soul or beating heart...

She's losing time. She doesn't mind.

Emergency self-destruct.

That's what comes from trying to trust.

That's the result of the equation.

A failed attempt at love and trust.

Leaving nothing but a machine's dust

- with love,

Belle

Resilience

Well, I can't predict the future.

Self protection is delusion.

There's no way of knowing what devastation awaits me next...

I've been chipping away at my own identity

Placing building blocks of vague instances of resilience in its place.

If I looked back at my life in a looking glass,

all I would see is that big word staring back.

What if I don't want to be the sum of all the things that I've survived?

Why do I have to be the girl who gets back up every time?

Throwing away pieces of my past,

so I can prove I'm getting better.

Always stuck between the last disappointment and the next one to come.

Can things just turn around for once?

I'm exhausted with all this waiting for the next big scary thing to arrive.

One more hit and it's over with.

What could all this be for?

Why do I have to get even stronger?

I'm losing track of time.

Just give me a line and pull me out.

Give me an anchor to the shore.

Let me lay down without wondering,

"What now?"

with love,

Belle

Are you future faking?

I keep waiting for the next step.

I'm aware that I should enjoy the present.

But I'm sick of waiting for the future.

So when is it my turn?

Isn't this something I've earned?

I never want to wake up alone again.

I long for the privilege of not missing you.

I know the moment will be quite unexpected.

I just want an idea of when it will arrive.

I'm sick of constantly proving myself.

When will you finally learn?

I've become an expert at hiding my sadness

In fear that it might hold you back,

from loving me the way I need you to.

But I need you to see me,

to be loved the way I want you to.