The art of becoming & Scott Hunter's 'too intense' speech to Kip Grady
I want to talk about Scott's speech to Kip.
Okay, so there is some indefinable bravery/vulnerability/desperation/relief/terror/something about this speech and I don't know what it is that is so compelling but I'm gonna write about it until I figure it out okay?
So the speech starts out right after they've had sex (second round; go them- really maximizing their hookup opportunities) and they're back, drinking those watery-ass smoothies that Kip makes Scott (for which Scott was so touched and delighted and relieved that Kip was still there i wasn't abandoned again, let alone that he made smoothies he knows me. he's thinking about me. he saw me. bc he thought Scott would like them that he had to rail this man into the ground immediately- and again- fair). And the morning city sounds are muffled but still present and Scott is experiencing - for the first time in his adult life - the joy of having someone who likes you (not even romantically, just. someone who knows him and likes him as a person.) make you breakfast.
Because he doesn't do this. And he's an orphan. And he's the captain of a major sports team. His life is so regimented and controlled; both by just the logistical demands on his time and his body and his energy, but also on his own, incredibly tight mental leash that he wraps around all of his desires. He doesn't have sleepovers with anyone. He doesn't have friends spend the night. I'm going to imagine, plausibly, that at the most, the fullest his house has ever been (the closest it has been to being anything more than an impersonal place to sleep and try not to think) is when a teammate needs a couch after a fight with their wife or when a rookie needs a helping hand and doesn't know where else to turn.
But here Kip is, and it's morning, and the sun is shining, and the city is awake, and Kip looks so good in his boxers, not only just still being here but demonstrating that he 1. cares about Scott (even if in an appropriate way for this early in the relationship) enough to know something about him and 2. that Kip wants to take care of him; to do something nice for him with no incentive or reward. And I think that knocks Scott flat on his ass.
Because that's the thing about suppressing desires for so long; it takes something really really strong to break through that carefully constructed fog. Scott likely started teaching himself not to feel, and therefore not to want when his parents died. He taught himself not to want closeness and casual intimacies and deep friendships and familial bonds. And that makes sense; he's twelve. Children use the skills they see/know to make themselves feel better and I don't think there was alot of 'here's how to adequately process your grief' conversations at his hockey boarding school. So he suppressed that longing and focused on something anything else. And then when he figured out he was gay (likely at that same boarding school) he used that suppression tool again. And this is reasonable. it's the best he could do at the time and the wisest decision he knew how to make and it was his most clear path to safety, so he took it.
And then he just carried that forward. He only let himself have quick, maintenance hookups once a year under incredibly strict secrecy, and he didn't let himself want. He didn't linger, he didn't cuddle, and I bet those encounters released the pressure valve under his skin but they left him with an emptiness in his belly that he had to ignore bc it hurt too much.
And then, on a random run, after failure to score in the first six games of the season, after listening to the hometown commentators trash his effort, he walks into a bizarrely welcoming smoothie shop and sees the most beautiful man he's ever seen asleep at the counter, curled around a massive book about art history.
I bet Kip hit him like a shot. He was so domestic and soft and cuddly and vulnerable and safe. I don't think Scott had any defenses for that softness at all. I think that he didn't even realize that he slipped off his leash and started flirting; I think it was just the safest he'd felt in forever and opening that door was just the most natural thing in the world. I think flirting with Kip was like taking a deep breath for the first time in a decade. And so of course he played better than ever before that night. He was riding high from that connection; bc even as brief as it was- was probably the strongest connection he had let himself have in over a decade.
And once that crack formed, he just kept going back. He's smarter the second time, more aware of his PR and need for secrecy, but then it's Kip who is talking to him, and he likes it. He likes it so much that he's gotta get out of there. But not before he instinctively naturally tries to deepen the connection. Not before he flirts back again. The third time, imo, he's admitted to himself that Kip fascinates him, and that he wants him, and he lets himself stay and watch as a little treat (but also probably to calm the likely frequent ruminations of I wonder what Kip is doing and I wonder if he's gay and I wonder if he would even be into me) and again it's Kip who encourages him enough to break that stupid leash and he cannot help himself from reaching forward for more connection. So he invites him to his game.
And Kip comes! and he waves at him and yeah okay it took a couple tries but then Kip waves back !! Scott has someone at his game to play for!!! for the first time since he was 12 but then they don't talk after. And he's stressed and worried and he plays like shit bc he's so distracted and then he gets chirped about it by someone who absolutely has no place to judge him (Scott clocked that man's tea immediately you will NOT tell me otherwise) . So just road trip from hell. and then he's back home and he has to go to that stupid fundraiser and be around these vapid millionaires and then all of that melts away bc he literally runs into Kip.
And making eye contact with Kip feels like coming home. He tracks Kip all around the room. They lock eyes all night. And then Scott, again just seeking more, asks Kip out. I think he might've even surprised himself, but this want has burrowed through his defenses into his brain and is running his mouth like Ratatouille, and he's getting more of Kip, so he is along for the ride.
but can you imagine, just for a second, how much joy Kip brought Scott? just how shocked and delighted he must have been when he got anything literally anything from Kip? Scott was truly so helpless against this tidal wave of want need and he just couldn't stop himself from instinctively seeking Kip's warmth. I bet it felt like he was drowning. I bet he was delirious when Kip agreed to grab a bite with him. I think he could barely think from all of the heartbeats throbbing in his head (and other places) when he got Kip into his apartment. I can't believe they didn't show us his hands shaking, but my personal belief is that's why he had his hands in his pockets when he asked Kip if he 'wanted a tour'.
He broke all of his rules for Kip. It literally takes multiple rounds even in the sober of the morning light for him to come back to earth and realize what he's done. And at that point he's gone. this was truly the best sexual experience of his life (per the books) so far and likely one of the safest times he's ever had. Kip demonstrated so much safety and care and respect for Scott just in those few interactions (and like, yeah, that's baseline decency human behavior but Scott has literally never experienced that before. it's really easy to impress someone whose standards for companionship, intimacy, and respect are in hell), that of course Scott is both brave enough to tell Kip a secret that could destroy him and secure enough to try to get more from Kip. Kip literally gave him the first amount of security and connection he's had in years. I'd try to wife that guy up immediately too. It's just so precious to me, that speech. Because Scott is lying to himself and to Kip about how bad it really is; the real stakes at play with him not coming out. Scott is minimizing to Kip the very real possibility of losing everyone he knows and cares about.
it's just that none of that fear really matters in the face of the joy. every time we see fear in the show, it's always combatted by love. maybe that's what's so compelling to me. it's that the fear isn't enough to stop them. None of the characters allow fear to ever truly win when love is an option in front of them. they have moments of weakness where their actions are circumscribed, sure. but love batters against the brackets of fear they've built to protect themselves. and it's always love that pushes them beyond that fear once they do. that speech is Scott telling Kip where the barriers are. and that their love must be contained. and in that way, i guess it looks like fear winning. but in my mind? that's the first of many battles fear lost. because that's Scott breaking free from the fear trap of only once a year anonymous hookups in another country. that speech is Scott growing beyond that fear in search of love. and yeah. it's not a pledge to fully come out and it does change their relationship from the lightness and sappy joy that it could've been if Scott wasn't closeted from the beginning. but it's also the most open, the most brave, and the most honest Scott has been in decades, possibly ever. and it was all in pursuit of love.
there's just something so ineffably beautiful that the thread pulling all of the characters forward, hand over hand, is love. it's always love.
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