lilc

inspiration is hard to come by these days. i find myself lacking in drive and want. i need to be inspired by the world around me, by people i meet and by the music i hear.

lately, my inspiration has slowly been coming back. it comes and goes in this city. but i want it to stay, because i’ve been having some fun with it lately. i’ve just been following it wherever it takes me.

let’s fall back in love with art. xo

i can’t lie and say that i haven’t thought about suicide. there are times like these when life gets hard. (how fucking cliche). i can’t say that i’m completely happy with where i am and who i am as a person, what i’ve accomplished in life and how i’ve handled things. i have many regrets and many problems. i don’t like to tell everything to everyone. i wish that the world was a safer place to live in. i really am scared to walk out of my apartment on a daily basis. i live in a safe neighborhood. i hate how people date these days. they date multiple people and are honest about it to their partners, who act like they’re a couple in public and not in public. i have to pretend to be okay with it, but in reality, i’m not okay with it.

i’m very old-fashioned when it comes to love.

i want to be loved. i want to love someone. i want to love every part of them. i want to take care of them. i want to settle down somewhere and start a family someday, okay maybe not an actual human baby but, maybe we’ll get a puppy or something.

i don’t think i’ll find love, though. i’m just...

people don’t want me. i guess it’s alright.

if i were to ever write a suicide note, i think it wouldn’t ever actually be to anyone in particular. i think i would just write something like this..

“i’m sorry, first off. i wish i knew how to be able to trust, to give myself, to love everyone. my numbness has made me numb to the point where i can’t even feel how numb i really am. i have the ability to cut off my emotions. every single one of them. angry, happy, sad. i’ve cut them all off. it’s not that i can’t be happy for you, or i can’t be sad because i lost a loved one. i can, i just choose not to feel those emotions anymore. and that’s when, life stopped for me. i don’t want to live a life without feeling anymore. what is a life without feeling something for someone? what is a life without love? nothing. i can’t love, i can’t. so, i’m sorry, i love you, but i have to say goodbye. please don’t try to make sense of this -- i’ve been trying to make sense of it my whole life.”

i wish i had the guts.

seven days since you were taken from this earth, and it feels like a lifetime. i’ve been sad and i’ve never been this sad, and it feels like an ocean. i saw you two weeks before you left, and you were beautiful. your voice was the sound of an angel, and you are -- an angel. angels soar higher, and we will meet them again someday. how i had the pleasure to see you and hear your voice twice before you left, i’m so lucky. i wish you could still sing -- for you could make all of our tears drift away like the wind.. so many losses in such a short time,

i feel like everything is tumbling down. i feel like the earth is shattering. i feel like no one can love freely. i feel like no one can “be.” i feel like no one can believe. what can we believe in? who can we love? why does it matter?

it matters because who we are is not accepted. in this day, the law has no say against human emotions or against deadly weapons.

massacres happen because people are insecure about their sexual identity, about their mental health. ask for help. please. if you don’t have the bravery to ask for help, please find it in yourself to spread love and not hate -- we love you. we will accept you, if you accept us.

i hurt.

i am heartbroken.

i am terrified.

what is this world going to come to? i know it’s not a good thing to live in fear, and i know that that’s what they want, but i’m not strong enough. i’ve been through a lot. i’ve endured a lot. i’ve seen a lot.

but i am not strong. i am not prepared. my life could be taken in a second.

the people who i love could be taken from me tomorrow, because even if we have gun control people can still obtain guns and use them to shoot people. with the intent to kill. WITH THE INTENT TO KILL.

how do you do this? what goes through your MIND?

i’m sad. i don’t want to leave my apartment, but as it goes, life goes on. or does it? only for some of us.

i don’t deserve this. i wish i could give the life i have to the many who were murdered this weekend. i can’t make it through this, i am sad. i am defeated.

so, it’s almost been a year since i moved to new york, aka the greatest city in the entire world. it’s been wonderful, it’s been terrifying, it’s been horrible, and it’s been challenging..

but i’ve been learning along the way. i’ve learned that no one cares whether you stay or whether you go. I’ve learned that things will be easy one day, and hard as hell the next day. but then you have those moments of clarity where.. it clicks. you’re here, you’re home, you live in “the greatest city in the world,” quite literally. the city is equivalent to a sense of euphoria to you. the city is where you come to find yourself and to find how to love again.

i’ve had my heart torn to pieces here and i’ve had my heart put back together all at the same time in this city. i’ve been stepped on and cheered on, i’ve been ran over like a piece of trash in the middle of the road and i’ve also been encouraged to have the strength to carry on.. all at the same time. you have to find the people who are really there for you here, or else there’s absolutely no way that you will make it in this city. because you will meet the wrong people. you will meet great people, and you will meet great people who turn into the worst people. it’s all about experience here, and how strong you are whether you can take it or not. there were a few people who definitely tested me and i doubted whether i still belonged in this city or not. but i toughed it out, because i’ve been through a lot already. i keep thinking, what more is there that i can’t take? i may look nice and sweet, but if you test me, i can test you right back. it’s all about equal treatment for me. if you respect me, i respect you. i’ve learned you can only treat people the way that they treat you in this city. you can’t give them the power to take a strong hold on you, or else they’ll know how weak you are and you’ll mentally shut down. i almost shut down, not once, but two times — i was scared. i thought i couldn’t handle it. but i just told myself, “you’re here for a reason, to learn how to be strong and to overcome your fears, your flaws, your insecurities. you’re here to stay strong, and become someone you’re proud to be.”

i fell in love. twice. my heart -- it got broken once, and then i learned how to love again. the first time was before i lived here. i came back and my broken heart haunted me. i found it hard to feel emotions for anyone who felt something for me. i felt terrible because i couldn’t return them in the way that they wanted me to. but then, i met someone who didn’t make it hard to return those feelings at all. it was easy. it was love. i fell in love again, and i didn’t think that was possible.

you can meet people here. i know it seems hard, but you can. they surprise you. i’ve been pleasantly surprised by some of the most genuine and real people here. i met them in hell’s kitchen.. maybe you’ll meet yours in soho, or the upper east side.. but don’t lose hope, you’ll find those people. there are real people here, i promise you.

I’m going mad. He said, “how could you think I was someone who wanted to be with someone like you? I could never love someone like you. You’re beautiful, you’re wonderful, you’re everything that I shouldn’t have. You’re not the kind of girl that I should be with. How are you in love with me?”

I told him, “I’m in love with you, because I love the way you love art. I love the way you love the city, but you say you don’t. I love the way you go out and see people, but sometimes you wish that you didn’t. I love the way you talk about your problems, but I know that you’re so scared. I love you, and your mind. Your crazy mind that you think that I couldn’t dare know about. I know about you, and the way you spin in circles. I know about you, and the way you dread seeing me at the next venue. I know about you. Do you know? How much it hurts? I just wish I could talk to you. But I’m in love, and sometimes when you’re in love, you have to give people what they want.”

“I ignore you, because that’s what I do when I get butterflies. I’m scared. I wish I could have you, I DO. But I’m not -- okay.”

“Butterflies? You’re mad. You hate me.”

“Butterflies.”

“You’re mad!”

“I’m trying to tell you -- I have always loved you. I thought I had the world with you, every time I held your hand. In union square, in the hotel room.. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to feel the way that I felt with you all the time. I thought I had the world.”

“But you’re not okay... you’re mad... what are you trying to tell me?”

i’m sorry, i can’t tell you.. how it feels to be this way. to feel numb, to feel nothing at all. to feel hurt, but to feel happy. i want to be with you, but i don’t. i’m happy with myself, but i’m not. my depression has gotten worse, and i don’t know what to do. i have trouble caring, trouble expressing, trouble wanting to create anything with feeling. i can’t create if i don’t create something with meaning. i want it to mean something to me. i have to be inspired by something in order to make art. i want to film things, i want to write everything. i live in the greatest city in the world but i can’t get myself to be creative in it because my mind is going 1,000 miles per hour.

my anxiety is crazy here. everything moves so fast and so do i. it’s hard for me to slow down, but i want to make art. and i want to do it well. this summer, i’m going to challenge myself and not let my numbness get the best of me. i’m going to MAKE SOMETHING. and it’s going to be incredible. i can feel it.

the inspiration is coming. and i wish i could tell you how great it feels to have it back after being lost for so long, not wanting to do what i love. not being able to want to try... anything.

depression is a battle. anxiety is a battle. i’m in a war with myself. but i won’t let it beat me up.

hey guys.

it’s been awhile... don’t think that i’ve forgotten about you. let’s start from the beginning of march, i was the happiest that i’ve ever been. i was on a cruise with some of my favorite people on one of the greatest vacations that i’ve ever been apart of.. parahoy. i made so many memories that will last a lifetime. i took risks, and i learned a lot about myself. i came back from that cruise a new person, with a new outlook on life.

that cruise taught me to follow my dreams. it taught me most importantly, that happiness is the ultimate goal. i was in a relationship that i was not happy in. it was taking away my freedom, and it did not make me feel like how a relationship should make someone feel. i thought i was constantly feeling like i was trapped and i wanted to get out, so i did.

i broke up with him, and i am single and i am working on myself. i am trying to make myself the best version of me that i can possibly be. on the way to that, i have noticed that i am not perfect, i am flawed. i make mistakes just like any other human, and sometimes for me it’s hard to accept that. i make wrong choices in people that i call my friends, but being the person that i am i choose to keep them around..

i made a new friend recently, i started talking to him after i broke up with my boyfriend, and he was different and exciting to me. not long after i met him, he was arrested, and i know why he got arrested, but i’m not one to post that here. after that happened, i started to think... what if i ever hit rock bottom like that? what if something like that ever happened to me? i didn’t hear from him for a few days until i found out why, and it made me think.. we’re really lucky to have the life that we have. some people are struggling to make it, and it makes them do things that they wouldn’t normally do, and it gets them into trouble. some of these people are good people, i saw the good in him, deep in my heart i know maybe he deserved what he got... but i guess time will tell. maybe this is a lesson. but, i still miss him.

i came to new york city to follow my dreams. i didn’t come here to fall in love. i came here to be the best. i came here to strive and i came here to take advantage of all of the opportunities that are right at my fingertips.

i am in the exact place that i’ve always wanted to be. i’m happy with who i am, my body, and my goals and ambitions. i’m happy with my friends, i’m happy with my life here. i just need to keep going. no matter what struggles face me from this point forward, i need to forget about the people that have given me nothing but obstacles.. and to just dream. dream harder. dream bigger. travel. write. film. everything.

2016 is the year that i bring art back into my life. you’re going to see a lot of poetry, film, and blog posts from me this summer. also, i would love for you to follow my fitness journey! it’s crazy to think how i used to skip gym class in high school because i didn’t want to run a mile. now, here i am going to the park everyday after work to run. it gets my mind off of the worry that i have, the stress and the emotions that i still have running through my brain...

i hope you stick with me on this journey.