Whereareyoudreamgiver

Hello! This is where I'm going to be putting my stories.

Get to Know Me

How old am I? 20

Favorite Color: Purple

Nickname: Doni J

Hobbies: Video games, Writing, Making Jewelry, making youtube videos

What genre of books do I like? Romance, Fanfiction, Poetry, etc.

If Only They Knew…

If only they knew how broken I feel

If only they knew how alone I feel

If only they knew what if felt like to constantly be in my head 24/7

If only they knew how hard it is for me to not feel this way

If only they knew how much I hate myself -DJ

                                            not trying to

If only they knew how much I am trying my best to stay alive

Alone

I feel alone. The title is correct. I've been stuck in my head for a long time. It has been a hard couple of years. I'm currently in my third year of college and I feel like I really haven't shaken off the feeling of being alone. I've been struggling with communicating, this has been happening since the Pandemic and there are lots of people who feel the same way. I feel like I'm not at a point of my life where I want to be. Yesterday was my 21st birthday and I'm grateful that I get to see another year of my life. But, depression is such a hard thing to shake. I'm trying to find my balance and voice. I was in one of my classes today, it's one of those collaborative classes, and I realized that I need to really work on myself. I need to reach out for help. I lost so much interest in the things I love and feel like that spark of mine has been taken out. But one thing I'm going to say is, that yes it can feel like our sparks can easily be put out but it's never too late to light it up again. That's something that I need to remind myself of. I came to the realization that Instagram isn't something I need to be on right now and with that maybe also other social media websites. I took a few days off of Instagram and honestly it felt so fucking refreshing, I noticed that I was way happier and I didn't have to worry about what was going on there. The moment I downloaded my Instagram, I felt depressed and that was a moment of realizing, yes this is what I need. I need to get off the Gram and also not spend so much time on social media. I started my Instagram account in the 8th grade (back in 2015), I remember being so happy to finally have it but I didn't expect how much of a toll it would have on my mental health and the way that I view myself. I didn't know the rules of social media and I became very addicted to it. I was posting on my page, every single day and I would put too much of myself on there. I wasn't taught that it is good to not post everything. My thing was I wanted to fit in with people at school and a lot of people knew me as the "quiet kid" so it made things kind of hard for me. But I think it pushed many people away. I wish I could tell myself then that we should continue being ourselves and delete our Instagram and work on ourselves and find our voice.

Author's Note: I wrote this a few months ago and I honestly was debating posting it here. But, I'm officially going to defeat my writer's block. Honestly think it's more of a depression issue. but anyways, I hope you enjoy this story. It's written in second person.

I remember when I first met you, I was sitting on a bench at school eating lunch, and you walked over to me and asked if I knew where a certain building on campus was.  Damn, he has a very gorgeous smile. I found myself thinking.  

I gave you the directions to the buildings but you sat down at my table. 

“What’s your name?”  You asked. 

“Dahlia,” 

“Such a beautiful name, the holder of that name is beautiful too.” You winked at me and I tried my hardest not to blush. I wasn’t used to being called beautiful. 

“Thank you, what’s your name?”  I shyly asked.  

“Colton.”  You were the first friend I made on campus. 

A few months later, we were even close.  You always made my day, I loved how you would always make me smile and laugh with your cheesy jokes.  The moments will always stick. From watching movies together, playing video games, staying up all night on the phone, going to the beach, when you stayed at my apartment late and we ended up on the couch and held onto me so I wouldn’t fall. When we watched The Fault in our Stars for the first time, I cried and you hugged me. I like to keep those memories with me, but there’s one that just sticks with me.  

One day, we sat on the beach, sitting on the sand as the sun was setting. You wore your one Hawaiian shirt, the one you would let me wear from time to time. It always smelled good.  

“You make me feel comfortable.” You told me as we watch the waves in the ocean. 

Taken by surprise, I asked, “I do?” You nodded your head.  

You then opened up about how you had it rough back at home with your dad after your mom passed. You told me about the abuse you endeared by your alcoholic father. The tears formed in your eyes and you tried your best not to let them fall. 

“It’s okay to cry,”  I told you and that’s when the tears fell. I pulled you in to hold you. 

“I just don’t know why he hates me so much.”

“Colton, him hurting you isn’t your fault.” I felt your body relax a bit. I knew you had never heard those words before. You had been feeling your father blamed you for your mom’s death but her suicide wasn’t your fault. She was hurting and she thought the best way to get rid of the pain was to end it all but it didn’t…that pain was added to you and the ones she loved.  Your thoughts were filled with if only I was there quicker. I could’ve saved her, if she hadn’t died dad wouldn’t hurt me. 

“You’re truly the only friend I ever had.”  I held you close that day. 

That was the moment I realized that I was in love with you.  I got back to my dorm and cried. I felt so selfish. How could I be in love with him when he just needs a friend? I can’t be in love with him, if he found out, I could ruin our friendship. What if he feels the same and things still don’t work out? I can’t let him find out. 

I became scared and was afraid of losing you.  

It was bound to happen eventually. 

“Dal?” You asked. 

“Hmm?”  I looked at you.  

“You ever been in love before?” 

Not before you. I wanted to say it so badly but I held myself back.  

“N..no.” I stuttered a bit, hoping you wouldn’t catch on.  

“Oh, do you ever want to?” I felt butterflies in my stomach flutter but I had to control them. I had to hide them. 

“Colton…let’s get back to studying okay?” I did everything I could to avoid that question.  

I remember seeing you from the corner of my eye, staring at me for a bit before going back to doing your work. 

Then weeks later, it was winter break. You didn’t want to go back home for break and you were gonna stay in your apartment all alone so I convinced my mom to let you stay with us during the break.  

I remember we spent the whole night playing video games all night long and it was getting late. We were both a bit drunk. We were both having a good time. 

“I’ m so grateful to have you in my life.” You said. I looked at you and you gave me that same gorgeous smile that makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter like the bats in batman’s cave.

“You too.” I smiled. 

“Fuck. you’re so beautiful.”  You gently grabbed my face and began kissing me. I let myself kiss you back. Then one thing led to another. We started taking each other’s clothes off. It wasn’t my first but it felt way better.  It’s happened the way I was hoping my first time was gonna be like. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” You softly whispered in my ear then looked at me with your beautiful brown eyes. 

“Yes…” I answered. I wanted to feel your warmth and your skin on mine. Words slipped from our mouths. I’m sure some of them you didn’t mean at the time. “I love you.” 

I woke up the next day and you were gone. You went back to sleep in the guest room. So many thoughts sped through my mind.  We shouldn’t have done that. Am I going to lose him?  I’m so stupid. 

The plane ride back was silent and I could tell you wanted to talk about it, but I wouldn’t let you. I just put my headphones in, blocking you out.  Eventually, things went back to how they were.  Just friends. 

It was now our junior year of college now, you introduced me to Sydney.  You told me you met her a month prior and began dating weeks later.  The fire in the pit of my stomach began.  

Envy. I was hurt. So, I started dating around but none of them were you.  My heart ached every time I saw you two together.  I watched your eyes sparkle as you looked at me. 

Then all your time went to her. I didn’t see you as much, whenever I did she was always with you and I was always so shut out. 

I couldn’t even dislike her, it was hard to. She was so kind. 

Our First Fight

I was performing in a talent show. I wrote a song about you. I invited you. You said you’d go. 

It was about to be my turn. I was so nervous. I texted you, no response. 

I didn't see you. You never came. 

I tried my best not to cry. Tears fell as I sang the song. 

If only you knew how much I love you…

I couldn’t be in love with you, you weren’t mine. 

I went back to my apartment and just cried. The day after, laid in my darkroom. Didn’t leave my apartment for days. 

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Many messages from my friends, my parents, you. I read them but didn’t reply. 

A knock on my door. 

“Dahlia, please open the door.” I heard your voice. I opened the door.  I didn’t want to but I did. 

“Hi..”  I said with coldness. 

“Look I’m sorry…” You looked truly sorry but at that moment I couldn’t forgive you. I felt stupid for hiding how I felt. I caused all of this because I didn’t want to lose an amazing person like you. 

I stayed quiet.  

“W-we could get some lunch and talk about this.” You tried your best to tell me you were sorry. 

“Colton…just go.” I felt the anger building. The tears were going to fall.  

“Dal, please I’m sorry that I missed your performance. Syd got really sick and I had to take care of her.” 

I couldn’t take it. I was angry at myself for falling in love with you. 

“JUST FUCKING LEAVE, COLTON.” I started uncontrollably crying and started throwing pillows at you. 

“Dahlia, don’t be like this. I-I need you.” 

“No, you fucking don’t. Fuck you!”  Tears spilled from your eyes, and so did mine. 

“Fine if that’s what you want. Goodbye Dahlia.” I watched you walk out and I didn’t know. 

That was the last time I was going to see you.  A few days later, you died. You were hit by a drunk driver while you were leaving your apartment. 

I never told go to tell you.

I planted a kiss on your cheek and gave you the bracelet I made for you and put it on your wrist. You were cold. I didn’t want to believe that you were gone. I wanted you to wake up and tell me that you were still here. “I love you, Colton.” 

Your dad invited me to go to your apartment, he was 3 weeks sober. He told me you had a box in your room with my name on it. It was a baby blue heart-shaped box. I ran my fingers over the sticky note with my name on it.

I sat on the floor in front of your bed before opening it. You kept many of the letters I had written to you, there were the pictures we took together, then there were letters from you I have never seen until now, a necklace and a box. 

I picked up one letter and began reading. 

Dear Dahlia, 

I’ve been wanting to tell you this since winter break but I just can’t find the words to say it. I’m glad that that night happened. I really hope you didn’t think me not waking up next to you meant that I wasn’t into you, I just didn’t want you to get in trouble. But I did hold you the entire time.  Every word I spoke to you in your ear that night was true. I love you, Dahlia Greene.  You have no fucking idea. I really hope that I can tell you that one day. When you told me that you have never been in love, I want to show that love. Dahlia, please be mine, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you in my life. I wanna marry you, have babies together, and spend the rest of our lives together. I have a gift for you, it’s my mother’s necklace. I want you to have it. 

The tears poured from my eyes. I picked up the necklace and put it on.   H-He loved me. 

I picked up the other letter.  

Dear Dahlia, 

I know that you're mad at me and I really hope we can fix whatever. Sydney ended things with me and I don’t know what to do. I feel alone. I’m sorry I hadn’t been there for you. I truly hope you forgive me.  I love you.  It’s always been you. You’re the one. I think I’m gonna ask you to marry me. 

Reading those words broke me even more. I grabbed the box that was in the heart-shaped box with the other stuff. I opened it fearing it was what I think it was. It was a ring, a beautiful ring. 

Dad and I got back on good terms again and I asked him if he still had my mom’s ring. I told him I was going to marry you, at first he thought it was a bit too early but then he realized he and my mom got married right when they felt it was right. He let me keep my mother’s ring and I was waiting for that moment you and I would reunite so then I could ask you to be my wife. But before that, I’m going to ask your parents if they give me permission to marry their daughter.  I just hope you love me too, Dahlia the way I love you. 

You have no idea, Colton. I love you to infinity and beyond. 

I sat there crying so hard. You wanted to marry me. I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. That’s how much I loved you. 

It’s been 2 years since you left this earth.  Every now and then, I go to the beach and watch the waves and sit next to the palm tree we used to hang out by on the sand. I

I think about our happy memories. What I would give to just have you here with me. I kept that one shirt that you wore, and I wear it sometimes and when I do I feel you near me. 

I hope you forgive me. I hope that you are reunited with your mom and are watching me from the clouds.