foul girl

and that got me thinking, there's nothing wrong with being self aware to a degree... but at what point do you cross the line and start pathologizing completely normal behaviour?

i spent my late teens trying to figure out what exactly was "wrong" with me. there had to be some special label out there that explain why i was the way that i was. i ended up cycling between random self diagnosed mental illnesses and terrible psychiatrists and trying out a few medications and i got nothing to show for it.

looking back, i think what i was desperately looking for was an excuse for why i act the way that i do. if people lowered their expectations of me because there was some special label, then ill find a place where i belong. there would be an excuse for why i never really lived up to expectations or for why i was so deeply dysfunctional.

and like I cant actually justify why I act the way that I do, like my excuses are dumb fr like "I dont wanna spend money on a bunch of subscriptions!" "oh I dont need to? well I dont really like watching movies on piracy sites, they buffer too much and the ads are annoying" ".......... I dont wanna do real piracy becuz um... (I dont have an excuse)"