Little Things

I've never been one to be very socially anxious, only a little awkward and shy on occasion. My anxiety stems more from my fear of rejection, failure, and lack of self esteem. In short I care too much and am easily influenced by the people around me. Especially if it's someone I care for and love, which makes it almost impossible for me to take criticisms without having a mental break down or anxiety attacks. While they might just be giving me some advice, speaking thier mind or pointing out a mistake I made. In my head it's like all the words they say are instead translated to "you are not good enough" "why can't you do anything right?" "Why even bother trying if you already messed up, you'll only make things worse" and from that point I just get suffocated by my own thoughts and fears and I can't handle it. I break down and isolate myself, that way there's no one around to disappoint. And it's so hard to believe someone when they try to convince me they like me, because I can't see why. I feel like a burden to everyone, because I'm an emotional mess that can't just suck it up and move on. Anyways, that's a quick run down of my story. Hope it helps someone else know thier not alone.

Alright. I'm not the best at forming sentences but here is a try. For the longest time I have been held back by the constant thought of failure. Whether it's at a job, trying to start a YouTube career,etc, but the one thing that constantly has bugged me is how much anxiety keeps me from being able to hold down a job. No matter the ammount of social interaction. Recently I lost my job as a dishwasher simply because my mind kept telling me how awful everyone must think I am at my job. It went on to the point where I just wouldnt show up to work. Now, this is happening again with a new job I just started a week ago. I have already missed two days thanks to the constant worry that I'm going to mess this up again, the feelings of dread from having to speak to people constantly for eight hours a day, and thw overwhelming sensation ill never be good enough at this job. I havnt called back in to tell them what's wrong, and if I did , none of them would really even care. It would just be seen as some excuse. Or worse, something fake. I know this and know that no one at my work would even believe me if I told them how hard it is to even get out of bed in the morning, especially when you know what's comming next. It makes me want to die most of the time, just to get away from the constant worry.. The constant thinking of how I will never have a successful job, always let down my family, never have one of my own, or how I am a worthless sack of flesh with no friends. I almost can't take it anymore, but I keep pushing anyways. Sure, I may lose this job, or any friend I get, but I have to keep pushing forward. Even though I feel like dying. I know, its a long post, but.. I felt like sharing.

I don't know if I really have anxiety, in fact, all I can say is I doubt everything there is about me and I don't know if that's valid or what. I'm really conscious with the way I talk, think even, and treat others. Also how I appear to them, which is why I overthink just about everything. What I said, what that possibly meant, wondering if that mattered to the person or it was something that bothered them because it was just me rambling and I might've disturbed them and just wasted my time, I don't know, even so I'm just at this state of semi-control and self-care like I know what it is that triggers my anxiety and I've been trying to think of ways to convince myself that everything's okay, and trying to think better of myself than usual. But doing that confuses me. It's like there are two forces inside my head that's always ringing whenever I overthink and they just clash and I'm left thinking about how messed up this is and I want it to stop. I don't know what to call this, this feeling brought about by me trying to solve/dissolve all the thoughts by telling myself that I don't care, it doesn't bother me, I should get used to it by now and I should just forget about it, this is how it's always gonna be, people won't care about what you say cause you hardly make any sense, and all you have is yourself and it's going to stay that way, because there's no other way. People are practically the trigger. So just stay away from them and isolate yourself in your comfort zone, so there will be no pain, no misery, no discomfort. That's what I tell myself. I just.. to cope, I accept things the way they are and end up with this heavy feeling, I don't feel like doing anything and everything feels useless. But these days I'm getting better at feeling nothing, being uncaring and apathetic, but even if it keeps the thoughts at bay it makes way for more troubling thoughts, because I know being like that isn't good at all, and I'll hate myself more. I don't know how it came to this and what exactly do I call.. this, all I know is I'm slowly becoming an empty shell of myself, it's getting bad and bad and bad and everything isn't going to go well in my life anymore because I'm losing it. I'm losing myself, the good part about me, the one with aspirations and dreams and kindness in their heart, and I don't know what to do because asking for help is just so complicated and anxiety-inducing that i'm convinced I'd completely shut down and be more useless if I ever tell anyone about my anxiety. I just gave up. I want to forget about everything by not talking about it. But here I am, because maybe.. I don't know, something will happen because I've never opened up to anyone my entire life. All this time, it's been bottled up that I don't even feel it anymore, but even though i've given up I'm still kinda hoping something will happen. I'm.. kinda hanging on. I'm at the edge, dangling. I still want to live, do my best, and be the person I've always wanted to be. But I wouldn't mind if I get hit by a truck tomorrow, or just, get into an accident and wake up in the hospital. Even so, I can feel it. It's small, but I want to live. I told you I observe myself too much, I am conscious to everything there is about me, like I have another person inside my head constantly keeping tabs on my behavior and thoughts. Although I'm prideful, cowardly and helpless, I admit, I still want to live despite everything. I hope, to the people reading this, that you'd be honest with yourself too. That even when it gets hard to breathe, and living seems like a pain, you still have that very small part of you that just wants everything to be okay again, so that you can live and do the things you've always wanted to do. Hang in there. We'll get our peace and quiet soon.

I’ve already submitted here but I just.. I need to say this. I was at school and I was walking to my next class and out of nowhere, my friend scared me. I screamed and fell on the floor. Everybody was staring at me and then started laughing. My friend had this look like she was trying to hold back laughter and I was crying. I couldn’t stand and run, I couldn’t tell them to shut up, I couldn’t do anything. My friend stopped and tried to help me up, and let me just say, she thought that everyone was just laughing because it was funny, not because a loser just fell on the ground and is scared of everything. She was about to help me till somebody yelled “DON’T HELP THE LOSER! SHE A (I’m not going to put what he said)” and they all burst out into laughing again. Her face went to horror and I finally got up and ran past her. I’m now at home crying and she hasn’t said sorry at all. My mom tried to help me but she can’t, she doesn’t know how too. So I’m done with life basically.

That awkward moment when you're suddenly shaking and sweating and you can't tell whether it's anxiety, low blood pressure or you're just wearing too many clothes in April

I think about what I'm about to say over and over again, changing it and making sure it won't offend anyone, and then I say it and it offends someone. Or I think about so many times that the topic of the conversation has changed and I can't say it at all.

I feel like my anxiety is killing me slowly, I'm getting less good days and I'm starting to feel like I'm not really here It's horrible that I can't even make a call to order take out, or that I would rather not buy anything somewhere if that means I would have to ask someone for help or ever order food. I'm talking less to my friends because I feel like I'm nothing, unimportant and not enough for their time I feel like I don't belong anywhere because I see people enjoying life and idk talking to each other and singing out loud and going places, it took me a whole month to adapt in my new work place but I see the new guys adapting in a day or two and I feel like a freak! And I wonder how would it be like to live without anxiety? I bet it's awesome to not have anxiety attacks daily over such stupid things like "I didn't say good bye to my boss! Oh no she must think I'm rude and she will think less of me and she is gonna fire me!" And damn, even if i am aware that this horrible anxiety I get is unfounded and that everything will be alright, i still can't help but panic and I feel like I'm suffocating and I hate it.

It makes me think my spouse is mad at me all the time It makes me feel like a bad Mom to my kids It breaks my heart I hurt every single day from my anxiety But I still smile when I want to cry. I still hug my kids and tell them how I proud I am of them and they tell me they love me. I still tell my Husband I love him and when he says it back and kisses me before leaving for work, or coming home from it, or just kissing me to kiss me and dance with me around the living room, it reminds me that it’s only my anxiety and I’m doing okay in the world outside of my head. I need the reassurances and the hugs and kisses from him, and I try to raise my children to think I’m fearless. That Mom can do anything and help them with anything. I do okay even on my bad days, because my bad days make me more grateful for the good ones.