I don't know if I really have anxiety, in fact, all I can say is I doubt everything there is about me and I don't know if that's valid or what. I'm really conscious with the way I talk, think even, and treat others. Also how I appear to them, which is why I overthink just about everything. What I said, what that possibly meant, wondering if that mattered to the person or it was something that bothered them because it was just me rambling and I might've disturbed them and just wasted my time, I don't know, even so I'm just at this state of semi-control and self-care like I know what it is that triggers my anxiety and I've been trying to think of ways to convince myself that everything's okay, and trying to think better of myself than usual. But doing that confuses me. It's like there are two forces inside my head that's always ringing whenever I overthink and they just clash and I'm left thinking about how messed up this is and I want it to stop. I don't know what to call this, this feeling brought about by me trying to solve/dissolve all the thoughts by telling myself that I don't care, it doesn't bother me, I should get used to it by now and I should just forget about it, this is how it's always gonna be, people won't care about what you say cause you hardly make any sense, and all you have is yourself and it's going to stay that way, because there's no other way. People are practically the trigger. So just stay away from them and isolate yourself in your comfort zone, so there will be no pain, no misery, no discomfort. That's what I tell myself. I just.. to cope, I accept things the way they are and end up with this heavy feeling, I don't feel like doing anything and everything feels useless. But these days I'm getting better at feeling nothing, being uncaring and apathetic, but even if it keeps the thoughts at bay it makes way for more troubling thoughts, because I know being like that isn't good at all, and I'll hate myself more. I don't know how it came to this and what exactly do I call.. this, all I know is I'm slowly becoming an empty shell of myself, it's getting bad and bad and bad and everything isn't going to go well in my life anymore because I'm losing it. I'm losing myself, the good part about me, the one with aspirations and dreams and kindness in their heart, and I don't know what to do because asking for help is just so complicated and anxiety-inducing that i'm convinced I'd completely shut down and be more useless if I ever tell anyone about my anxiety. I just gave up. I want to forget about everything by not talking about it. But here I am, because maybe.. I don't know, something will happen because I've never opened up to anyone my entire life. All this time, it's been bottled up that I don't even feel it anymore, but even though i've given up I'm still kinda hoping something will happen. I'm.. kinda hanging on. I'm at the edge, dangling. I still want to live, do my best, and be the person I've always wanted to be. But I wouldn't mind if I get hit by a truck tomorrow, or just, get into an accident and wake up in the hospital. Even so, I can feel it. It's small, but I want to live. I told you I observe myself too much, I am conscious to everything there is about me, like I have another person inside my head constantly keeping tabs on my behavior and thoughts. Although I'm prideful, cowardly and helpless, I admit, I still want to live despite everything. I hope, to the people reading this, that you'd be honest with yourself too. That even when it gets hard to breathe, and living seems like a pain, you still have that very small part of you that just wants everything to be okay again, so that you can live and do the things you've always wanted to do. Hang in there. We'll get our peace and quiet soon.