Infinite Everything

I have not written in a while- at least for this specific purpose, which is for myself. But I haven’t in a while because I never really had the need to write. I usually have the need or even urge to write when things are kinda going wrong or weird in my life & writing helps me figure shit out. I can express & map out everything the way I want & desire in my own words- all of these thoughts & feelings just coming out of my mind & through my fingers & into a pen or into a keyboard. Sometimes, shit doesn’t make sense it seems, but as long as I can figure it out & know what I mean, then that is all what matters when I write.

Anyways, I felt no need to write because things have been seemingly okay & steady for a little bit. I can confidently address the reason everything in my life has been feeling decent because that reason made me feel hopeful, secure, & happy & that is all I could need in my life right now. But, I have been without this reason in my everyday physical life & that lasting physicality of them is starting to slowly dissipate to the point when I feel like I am beginning to forget certain things. I won’t get into the depths of those things, not tonight, but it was just beginning to make me wonder if on the other side, that reason is beginning to forget too...

Shit like this just gets my mind drilling this massive hole through my mind, growing by the second as I am doing it to myself. I know I am overthinking, even though I was told I shouldn’t. I know I am scared, even though I was told I shouldn’t. I think the thing I just really forget is when things felt secure. I felt secure previously with the reason fueling me every single waking second of every day right by my side & right in front of my eyes. I could reach out- experience, touch, immerse, & breathe every thing that makes this reason the reason I feel okay in this world & in my life right now. As time as gone by, not having that in what feels like forever hurts- it empties, it aches, & it kills. Life no longer feels like life, because without that reason right there, life never completely feels okay enough or steady enough or decent enough to go through & live through.

I sit on my couch, remembering it used to be ours. I sit in my living room, remembering it used to be ours. I look at my bedroom, remembering it used to be ours. I live in this whole space, remembering it used to be ours.

Each of these things, along with every single other aspect of my life, is lonely, empty, & incomplete without you. Your presence just about filled everything in this space & this life the greatest warmth, care, & adventure. I just get hit by a bus with emotion & wonder that I cannot go without you being a part of everything that is mine, from my fucking couch, to living room, to bedroom, to this space & any space I occupy... to my whole life. This is the moment I remind myself I cannot live without you. I just get taken back to our beginning, how it all started, & where it went. And the first moment I lost you, though temporary, it was the worst pain, absence, & loss I could ever experience in my life, it was the moment I realized I know I could not live without you. I told myself that I would spend every second of my existence being yours, proving it & showing it in every power I have.

That is why people will act in such anger or stupidity or terror over someone they love because they are just scared to lose them or watch them walk away.

Someone who will hold hands with you & run into the flames- not set everything you touch on fire.

Someone who will break your fall by catching you- not being the force that made you fall in the first place.

Someone who will hug you & project the greatest kind of warmth on you- not freeze you over with their cold-heartedness.

Someone who will make you cry tears of happiness & offer you their shoulder- not make you cry tears of heartbreak & not even know you are crying. 

Someone who will feel experience emotions, thoughts, & feelings you have with you by your side- not just sit there not even trying to understand what emotions, thoughts, & feelings are.

Someone who will show you off to all of their friends & people in their life with all of the gratefulness & awe in the world- not keep you behind closed doors all the time.

Someone who will look at you like you are the only silver lining & brightest light in their life- not look at you with just questions & uncertainty. 

Someone who will put the umbrella or coat on you first in the rain- not leave you alone in the cold, wet misery.

Someone who will hold you like they never, ever want you to leave them alone- not push you away because they need space.

Someone who will give you all of the love they possess in them every chance they get- not just for a convenient moment’s sake.

When I’m missing you, I just want you to be here

When I’m staring at my text messages, I want a text message from you

When I’m going through Instagram, I want to see a notification of your randomly & surprisingly following me or messaging me

When I’m lying in bed alone, I want you to come bursting through my door & you join by lying right besides me

When I’m staring at apartment as I am walking up to it, I want to see you just standing by my front door or sitting on the concrete just waiting for me

When I’m working & no customers are walking through the door, I want you to come & get a drink from me

When I’m shopping, I want to randomly run into you

When I’m asleep or napping at my apartment, I want you to just be there when I wake up

When I’m singing in the shower, I want you to be on the other side of the door just hearing the pain & heartbreak coming from my voice

When I’m walking on the street, I want to see you on the street across the way

When I’m walking by your place, I want you to only see me from behind walking away from your place

When I’m having the lowest & darkest moment, I want Elaina to contact you so you can try & attempt or think about coming to my rescue

When I’m rereading the letter, I want you to be rereading it, if you even read it at all, as much as I have been

When I still say ‘I love you’ out loud when thinking about you, I want you to be able to hear me, somehow & somway

When you are thinking of me, if you even do, I want you to be questioning the idea of me loving you or the idea if you could have loved me or was beginning to

I imagined us growing together & in our own ways, but now I can’t imagine growing with anyone else or growing by myself at all.

I imagined I would shine light in every dark corner of you & your soul, but now I can’t imagine you allowing someone else to do that.

I imagined you would finally see we were made for each, perfect for each other even, but now I can’t imagine another girl being made for you or perfect for you.

I imagined that I would be able embraced by you in moments of weakness, tire, or pain, but now I can’t imagine not having that warm, comforting embrace of yours anymore.

I imagined that you would be the one to catch my tears when I would cry about anything, but now I can’t imagine me letting anyone else even see me tear up.

I imagined that our intimate moments would only become more magical & intense, but now I can’t imagine ever being intimate with anyone else like how we were.

I imagined that everytime you would touch me in anyway I would feel so much warmth & happiness & gratefulness, but now I can’t imagine being touched that amazingly by anyone else.

I imagined the many times of falling asleep next to you at night & waking up next to you in the morning, but now I can’t imagine falling asleep & waking up with you by my side.

I imagined us being together so much & each of us becoming appendages & each other’s other halves, but now I can’t imagine getting close to any other person to the slightest degree.

I imagined we would miss each other literally every single second we weren’t in each other’s presence, but now I can’t imagine missing anyone else like now I miss you now.

I imagined you would want to show off to everyone you know that I am yours & only yours, but now I can’t imagine what you could even tell people about me, if you even do talk about me. 

I imagined I would change your life in endless different ways, but now I can’t imagine who else could or even who you would even allow to do that.

I imagined you would come to me for everything in your life, from feeling all emotions to experiencing all adventures to facing all problems to listening to all music to satisfying all impulses to questioning all thoughts to every fucking thing else in between, but now I can’t imagine you no longer wanting to do any of that with me.

I imagined that seemingly everlasting love for you would just flourish, but now I can’t imagine falling in love with anyone else, let alone my love for another person being able to flourish the way my love could have flourished for you.

I imagined that you would fall in love with me, but now I can’t imagine the girl you will end up falling in love with & she will not be me...