Monólogo

and i will be the after.

i am the space between atoms

the black abyss

at the bottom of the sea

the suffocating cold

between stars.

so when you say i am nothing

do you really mean it

or do you just find me beneath you?

you spend your days doing little nothings

you tell your therapist you fear never feeling emotions again

you think too long about the shortness of your own lives

knowing that out of all the nothings you do

none of it will really matter

you tell yourselves your dead are at peace

but you don’t really know

do you?

you just don’t want to think about

rotting away in that little wooden box

with no consciousness to speak of

so you tell yourselves you get to go

to a magical after

and you spend your whole lives

trying to attain it.

so when you say i am nothing

tell me

i am seven

and my reply is

pink

because i am a girl

and pink

is a princess color.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am ten

and i like

green

because a boy told me that pink

is lame and girly.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am thirteen

and i tell them

purple

it is unique and spunky

like i want to be.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am seventeen

and i just say

red

i do not say

it is bright and angry at the world

as i am

i cannot form the words to express

all of my frustrations

so i paint my lips with

rage.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am twenty

and it’s pink

i remember the joy

of being a child

i reclaim the freedom

of femininity

because i cannot remember

what my shoulders felt like

before the depression

hung from them.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am twenty-six

and my answer is

brown

it confuses most people

they don’t see it

they may think of dirt

and dust

and dead things

but it is coffee with friends

and the chocolate chip cookies

my mom used to make.

it is my hair

and my eyes

amber and gold

in the sun

and i love myself

such a beautiful

thing,

even if it once

gave us a sad

tragic ending.