The Regular AND The Degular

Clark’s suicidal tendencies and self hatred is very understated even though it's been present for a majority of the show. Ever since season 1, he blame his very existence for the suffering of those around him. He rapidly flips between wanting to feel important and loved no matter the cost to wanting to completely disappear. By themselves, it's not the most extreme feeling for a teenage/ young adult but then you have him switching between these extremes not just episode to episode but scene to scene. The idea that he is some monster that brings danger is constantly been reinforced throughout his whole life by everyone he ever loved and despite proving all he wants is to protect humanity, he is constantly fighting against people's ideas of him. Then, he is thrust into a destiny he wants no part of but can't escape. Even when he tries to embrace it because he feels he has nothing left, he keeps messing it up.

He's just constantly depressed and anxious and its makes him volatile and singleminded. It's just so sad seeing someone so kind acting so irrational bc their brain is going bad. The things he does and say don't reflect his true intentions at all but can can't see past his own blinders to consider the feeling of other people. That being said, people who are constantly holding space for him are the main ones getting the blunt of his aggression when they're only trying to help. There is only so many times you can forgive a person before it better to just cut them out of your life. Like, if Chloe and Lana weren't integral characters to the show, they would have been stopped being friends with Clark a long time ago, same as Pete. Just like for Lex, its not his friends job to keep Clark from going off the metaphorical deep end of unexceptionable behavior but it also took way to long for the people in his life to realize that his new found behavior is a symptom not his nature.

I'm on season 8 right now and Clark's constant fighting with Chloe is making me sad. He's so incredibly lonely on the farm by himself and the only person around who know him that way no one else alive can, he's sabotaging their friendship any chance he can get. It's all just self harm at this point: over working himself and pushing everyone who can help away then walling in his own regret till he breaks down or blows up. It just looks like he wants to hurt himself really bad but he can't do it physical so he does it emotionally.

Next time you wanna talk about my girl Chloe, remember she is a Lois Lane stand in. Lois is a baddie but let's not forget 90% of the time she is an obsessed Lover Girl too with a bad temper and questionable morals when it comes to journalism. ALL the stuff Chloe does was Lois at some point in some timeline. She matured so much as the show went on too but it got overshadowed bc actually Lois Lane showed up.

Justice for Chloe!! Lois would loose it if she saw the way some of y'all talked about her!!!

Some lighter HCs bc I'm tired of only making him cry (for now)

• Elopement: Clark has a tendency to run off randomly throughout the day. Not just for Superman stuff but just kinda wondering away in the middle of things without mentioning it. He'll usually space out for a bit then book it in the opposite direction especially if he's uncomfortable.

• When Clark was first getting his flight powers, he'd hover only an inch off the ground. His feet would drag the floor so it always looked like he was standing on his toes.

• Clark likes to chew on things, mostly inedible things with interesting textures. He'll chew up his sleeves, pencils, metal tool, rocks he finds in the yard. It freaked Martha out to no end when he was growing up bc she was unsure what was Kryptonian baby safe and what was actually dangerous to him. She gave up a bit trying to figure it out though when she found him munching on a cable cord he called "spicy". (It was electricity)

• Clark does not speak subtext but if he sits with it for a while, usually he can figure it out. He takes little notes throughout the day on different things he notices or conversations he didn't understand fully and does a debrief with himself before bed. Lois makes fun of him for keeping a diary but then noticed the whole week she teased him into stopping, he was confused and rude with everyone.

• He's horrible with staring. He makes intense, unwavering eye contact when he's listening then looks away into nothingness when he's talking. Idly, he zoning out half the time. He picks a spot and stays there. His senses are very over stimulating for his so turning off a couple is always a win but sometimes the spot he choose is on a person and suddenly he following their every move like a hawk.

• Clark's special interest is anthropology. He mainly like the cultural and language studies but also finds the body to be immensely fascinating. It all started when he first getting his X-ray vision. Looking into anatomy and why things look the way they do made it feel less horrific. That snowballed into him looking into the evolutionary reasons for human's being how they are and the rest is history.

• Clark's day can be very hectic so keeping to a routine can be hard. He's fine with it as long as he has very specific check points through the day. Everyone know what the check points are and that he will wig out if they are not strategically met through the day so his friend will throw them in like unstoppable side quest when he forgets.

• He remember everything about everyone he ever met. He might forget what he had for lunch but he defiantly remembers that one really obscure, off handing comment you said about your family two years ago. He'll bring up his Friend Fun Facts ^TM all casually like it doesn't make him look like a stalker. He does the same thing with body language. Once he starts to pick up on someones rhythms and tells, it's almost like he's physic as he predict what someone will say and do before they even open their mouth.

• He wears the same clothes everyday till he wears them into the ground. When he can, he buys duplicates of everything so if something is damaged, he doesn't have to worry. Shout out to his emotional support jacket.

• Clark gets really nervous to physically stimm in front of people because he large and doesn't want to alarm anyone. He typically will rely on audio stimms in public like music or ever his own voice when he needs to call down. He is not ashamed to talk to himself to self regulate but he does get embarrassed when his voice goes away all together and he is mostly relying on grunts and chirps.

One of the worst things Superman has done but one I will always defend him for is not wanted to be Conner father. Imagine you're walking around one day and your spitting image turns up. The only connection or context you have for it is that the guy who's been stalking you/ kidnapping you for years is his guardian. All the "Baby Trapping Luthor" bits are funny but that is a horror story. It reminds me of assault victims who give up their kids. It not that they hate the kid but it's what the baby represent/ who they look like. That's not Conner's fault but it's not Clark's fault either.

Fic idea that may never come to fruition (and is totally adoptable) is a really down to earth discussion with Lois and Conner about him not being able to stay with her family. Conner is angry at first, feeling abandoned and unloved, but then Lois asks the hitting question of: "why do you think I'm telling this and not him?" He'll say Clark's a coward and Lois will calmly explain Clark can't look at him without breaking down into tear. She'll tell him Clark's gonna try his best to be in his life. He'll pretend that everything is okay and take care of you but he'll hate every second of it. He'll never hurt him so he'll turn all that hatred inwards. She'll tell him Clark sleeps on the floor now bc if anyone tries to touch him in his sleep, he'll freak out. Even his own wife. Lois will ask him if he understands what she's trying to tell him and Kon will nod silently.

As the months go on, Kon is living with the Wayne's. Lois comes by periodically to check on him but mostly is just as absent as Clark. He hangs with Tim and patrols with the Robin's, he goes to school for the first time and gets to have dinner with a family. Not his family though; Never his family as the Damien likes to remind him. It's nice but it doesn't feel whole.

About a year into his stay with the Wayne's, around Christmas, Lois comes by again. She says Clark wants Conner at Christmas which is wild for him a n d Lois given he hadn't spoken to the boy since Kon moved. Conner wanted to be angry, to reject Clark like he had neglected him, but something in his chest made him agree. Lois' face after is a mix of dread and sorrow but she'll smile still and leave Kon with the invitation.

The first time Conner sees Clark after so long, he freezes. He's out of his suit, hair falling into his face, he has a tired sort of smile and shadows under his eyes that looked unnatural for who was supposed to be a beacon of light. Clark shuffled towards him and gives Kon a hug. Despite how he hears the other's heart pounding out of his chest, Kon squeezes him back. The party is normal which makes it amazing for Kon. He gets a sweater with his initial ironed on it which apparently is a poor recreation of a Kent family tradition. The dinner is potluck. The presents are home made. Clark stutters through a toast and cries half was through which is sort of a tradition too, according to Tim. He sees a framed photo of his grandparents: the Kents and the El's and it brings tears to his eyes as well. The whole day just felt like he'd come home and by the end of it, he was enraged he'll just be kicked out all over again.

While he's hiding from Alfred who's ushering everyone into the car, he finds Clark sitting on the apartment building rooftop. Clark motions for him to join and hands him his half empty flask of apple cider. They sit and sit while watching all the guest part from each other. Kon doesn't know why he asks it bc he knows it'll ruin the moment but he does:

"Do you remember when I was...made?"

Clark looks over at him and his eyes shine inhumanly blue in moonlight, just as Conner's does.

"No." Clark replies after a long pause. He looks very pained for a second then smiles. "You know, Lois says that when really bad things happened our brains block things out to protect us. Isn't that neat?"

"I guess."

"It feels like someone's drowning me when I try to think...about...it. And when I look at you...no matter how hard I try not to think about it, I do. Then I keep thinking about it over and over until my brain blocks it out again.

"oh."

"Lois says I get really spooky after I talk to you and for some reason, I always wake up on the floor. Which is not your fault! I want to be clear about that. But she thinks it is. I know Lois is just trying to protect me and I love her, but it's not right."

"No...No, I think I get what she means now."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Conner goes to stand with tears already treating to break when Clark goes to grab his hand.

"Hey! You're a good kid, Kon. Bruce speaks so well of you. I just...I hope we'll be able to get to know each other one day."

Please, God !! Deliver Him From Evil !!

Smallville! Clark being one of the most depressed but also one of the more inarticulate versions of Clark is something dreadful because he is almost completely incapable of describing the anguish he feels for merely existing to anyone. I see him speaking with others on the show- humans and aliens- and there is a cruelty in their lack of understanding. His experiences and existence is so disorienting for him, so isolating and in the beginning, down right body horror-esque. All he wants is for someone to understand or even just listen to his poor attempts at explaining his plights but every time he’s made out to be selfish, ungrateful or self loathing. But are his wants any more selfish than any person’s desire for community? Can he be eternally and unwaveringly grateful for a power that has brought him so much hardship? Can he grow up hearing he is the center of the universe for so many people without feeling responsible when those people’s lives fall apart or end? 

Clark spends five seasons pleading to just be normal before just giving up and turning himself over to his destiny. He said he wanted to be normal so many times it sort of lost it meaning but what he meant is he wants to be able to want for a future with the same ferocity as his human peers without feeling like he is compromising his identity or unfairly getting ahead. He wants to make mistakes without the world shattering. He wants to feel whole in mediocrity; that he is worthwhile even if all he accomplishes is waking up and being kind. He wants to love and be loved. He doesn't want blind devotion or a relationship on the foundation of lies; he wants ease and mundanity that he can infuse with the spark of life by being around people he cares about.

I’ve been writing and rewriting my think piece on why I’ve always headcannoned Clark as autistic. Of course I’ve got my mains: 

He emotes differently; bearing his teeth, smiling or squeezing his eyes shut when he’s in danger, his blank stares and his inability to not be super obvious when he's uncomfortable, disappointed or judgmental. 

His aversion to eye contact when he’s feeling intense emotions or he know the person he’s speaking with is feeling intense emotion

His hyperempathy 

His black and white morals/ reasoning 

Him wearing the same three outfits on rotation unless someone else dresses him 

His inability to read subtext 

His general lack of understanding for behaviors and his compulsion to study his disagreement/ interpersonal issues clinically through reading because he's not sure how to approach it any other way 

His crashouts when he has big emotions and then subsequent self hatred for lashing out 

I could go on but what I’ve been missing that truly captured the idea was Clark’s desperation to be seen as a person but always managing to perform personhood incorrectly. No matter how compassionate or gentle he is, no matter how he tries to change himself or hide, he never seems to get it right. He tries to explain his behaviors and experiences to his friends and family but no matter how he sells it, they will never understand what it's like to live as him and in turn, why he does the things he does. 

It’s very reminiscent of high masking individuals whose parents instill in them that differences are okay at home but wrong if anyone else finds out. That once someone finds out there is something tangibly different about him then his whole world will fall apart. He’d rather people think he is cruel or irresponsible than admit his brain and body work differently than other people’s do. He spends his whole life hoping that one day he can share himself with someone other than his parents but then even his closest friend talks about how much they despise people like him. He tries to defend his community without revealing his in the community but it just falls on the deaf ear of people thinking he's just trying to be righteous. Even in a future when he reveals his secret, there is this looming blame that is held over his head. People will act like saints for accommodating someone like him or defending him against those with cruel intentions when all he wants is to be cared for and loved without condition or feeling like he is a burden.

Art block is kicking my butt so here's some floating Clarks (づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ