Hello Sweetie,

I feel ya kid.

Today has been a rough day. It’s a little after noon, I’ve been up since 3am.

Luca peed through his diaper.. all over me and the bed. The dog... peed all over the house in the middle of the night. He does this everytime my fiance travels. So after I took the kiddo to daycare and in between work calls.. I’ve been scrubbing the floors trying to get all the pee up. Just what I want to do while I try to work. 

I’m getting frustrated because I have no time for anything. I want to get back in shape, but there is no time for the gym. I can afford to put Luca in daycare part time from 8-2, I work from 8-5, so 3 hours of my day I work from home with the kiddo. After that, I’m home by myself. I don’t have anyone to watch Luca so that I can start working out regularly. It could be worse, yes, I know. But it makes me upset that I have no time for myself. EVER. I stay up an hour after Luca goes to sleep to clean up from the day and catch up on any work emails I missed, sometimes I get to read. 

The weekends are dedicated to home projects. We are renting my mothers house and it needs a lot of work. I try to take Luca to the pool or park on the weekends too, to get him outside. 

I have no time. No time to really do anything. 

I’m back at the office part time and then work from home part time. Luca stays at daycare in the morning so I can try to keep up with work. Luckily, it’s been a slow morning (it’s only 9am) but usually I have a million things to do by now. 

Anyway, I got a gym membership, thinking I’ll run in the morning or take a lunch break and go run. Ha! The office stays so busy I can’t even do that. I drop Luca off at 8 and need to be answering the phone by 9. I have to pick Luca up by 2 and be back to work until at least 5, if not later depending on how much work I get done. 

From there, it’s feeding Luca, myself and trying to clean up after a 14 year old (my sister lives with us), and a huge dog that sheds. Luca takes a bath at 7 and in bed at 730. I have 1.5 to 2 hours to get anything I need done at the house, while trying to keep up with and almost 9 month old. I feel like I run a marathon everyday. I also feel like I’m losing my mind. I need some help. I need a break. :( 

We took a vacation last week, but even then... yes I had some help. Aunties would take Luca for a little bit so I could be in the pool for a few minutes. But as soon as he got fussy, right back to me. Never to dad. I don’t think dad had to do very much at all on vacation, other than drink and enjoy himself.

I want to post this. I want people to hear. But maybe not those who know me.

About 4 years ago, I tried to kill myself. I drank a lot and took a bottle of my anxiety meds, basically benadryl on crack. I then slit my wrists. Shortly after, I started thinking of my mom and siblings and how this would affect the rest of their lives. I called my mom. She came, and shortly after and ambulance came. My stomach was pumped and I spent 7 days in a mental hospital.

Why? Bc my dad had tried to kill himself right before my birthday. My boyfriend and I were fighting. My best friend and I were fighting. And I had been dealing with anxiety and depression for such a long time. My dad had tried to kill himself numerous times. I walked in on him laying in a pool of blood laying next to my 2 year old sister years ago. There are things that just eat at your soul. But when I really tried... it was an immediate regret. I could not do that to my family.

You guys, my maybe is 7 months old. How did that happen? 

He’s got himself quite an attitude already. He’s wearing 12 month and 18 month clothes. He makes sounds like dada, mama, gaga and growls a lot haha. And he’s just the most handsome kid I’ve ever seen. 

Last week I got to go into the office for a few hours each day while dad stayed home. His plans was to work from home from 9-12 so I could work without interruption from the office. He said it was the hardest thing he’s ever tried to do and eventually just gave up on trying to work, after the first day. HA! I have to do this every day. Last week felt like a vacation, it was so weird to not feel stressed while being at work.

So, my aunt had me watch the documentary The Magic Pill.

And now, I’m really looking into this Keto diet. A lot of people have suggested that maybe something in my diet is causing my horrible migraines and anxiety. For awhile I had cut out gluten, and I did feel a lot better. I was still getting migraines but not as frequent. 

But then work got impossibly busy and I found grabbing a pop tart or bag of chips was just more realistic than trying to cook myself a meal. I mean, I barely have time to poop or shower during the day, so cooking is definitely not something that’s going to happen for me. 

I’m having such a hard time with this. 

I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Up until I got pregnant I had been on anxiety meds since I was 17 years old. I have never handled stress well and battled a very deep and dark depression when I was younger. 

During my mid twenties was the worst, events led to a stay in a mental hospital. Since then, I took control, stayed on meds, worked out, stayed in touch with friends and really put in an effort to take care of myself.

Well now, I have a baby. So, in my mind, he comes first. No matter what that does to me. I have been a mess the last couple of months. Crying, getting angry with my fiance. This morning my phone went out for work, my internet stopped working, Luca would not stop crying and I just broke down. I bawled my eyes out and just could not handle it. I knew work was piling up because my cell phones dings everytime a voicemail or email comes in. I breastfed Luca while crying and put him down for a nap. I caught up on work emails finally, I had to have my sister in law take Luca when he woke up or I wouldn’t have been able to catch up. But I feel like I would have a better an easier time handling this, if I were back on medication. My mind just does not handle stress well and my job can be very stressful, especially while trying to take care of a 6 month old. 

We drove down to Savannah today. 5 hour drive with stops. Luca did awesome. 

This kid thinks he is such a big boy. He always tried to feed himself. It doesn’t end well. It ends in a complete mess. But he has fun. 

I can’t believe how fast he is growing. At 6 months he’s crawling all over the house, non stop talking and just the most wonderful thing in the world. 

These look so good. 

Yesterday was hard. I actually started to type this up yesterday and then work emails started coming in.. at 7pm. And then Luca started to wake up.