i never made promises lightly.

I know I'm pushing you away. And I know why. I'm so terrified that you're going to leave this summer because our plans are going to fall through. We were going to see each other every weekend, spend as much time as possible together before next year starts, before I'm in school and you're working and we hardly see each other ever. It's going to be so hard to do that the way we planned, and I'm so scared you're going to realize that I'm still not worth it. You can find someone so much better, who always lifts you up instead of bringing you down, who you can see all the time, who is worthy of you in every single way I'm not. So I'm pushing you away. I'm lashing out and getting angry and taking out all of my frustration on you, without even trying. I hate myself for doing this to you and for how I've been treating you the past week. You deserve so much better than me, Madison. I don't know what I'm going to do when you realize that. 

So this is how it goes, for now. I'll fall asleep at the edge of my bed, holding my pillow close and pretending it's you as you, miles away, leave a space for my body next to yours in your bed. Pillows and empty spaces; months until we can replace and fill. My imagination isn't good enough to project your warmth, your embrace, your smile onto the pillow, and no matter how hard I try, I can't fill the void next to you. But pillows and empty spaces can't return the favors. They can't hold us, too. They can't comfort, protect, whisper "I love you, too" into the darkness as we both drift off to sleep. I miss you, babe. 

Our conversation last night was like no conversation I've ever had. I've never been close to feeling the way I did when we hung up and I went to sleep. I wanted nothing more than to have you laying next to me so I could actually do the things we were saying. I want to make explore parts of you that no one's ever seen or touched and I want to make you feel as incredible as I'm picturing it could be in my head. I'm so scared to say the words that I'm dying to say, because I'm scared of how you'll react even though it's pretty clear that you want the same thing. I want to love you, in ways other than I already do. You are a beautiful, incredible woman, and I am so in love with you. I just can't wait to show you someday.

This isn't fair. You caught my attention months ago, the very beginning of the year. I always wondered about you. There was just something about you that caught my eye and made me look twice. But I was so, so tired of having feelings for straight girls...even though I wondered about you even then. I am in love with my girlfriend. I can't deny that and I won't put it a way it's not. I trust her and I believe her when she says she loves me, and that's one of the reasons I love her so much, because she's the first person to make me believe the things she says So why are you doing this to me now? The flirting in class, on the way out of lunch, whenever you see me in the hallway. Liking my status that's from a song obviously about another person. I would never cheat on Maddie, but this is making me feel like I already am. 

Please forgive me when I say I'm scared because I've never felt this way before, and every single time I've even come close, I lose it all and get hurt. First, I wasn't out, so I wasn't good enough. I was too far away, so I wasn't good enough for that, either. Then, I was out. I couldn't be enough to be what she wanted, because she was scared of being what she is. The first girl I thought I truly could love, talking to me over the phone about how someone else was catching her attention. The first to make me feel somewhat safe, like I could be good enough. She crushed me. I trusted again, and what happened? She took my best friend's girlfriend after they met at my birthday dinner. My first labeled girlfriend let me go after a week, because of things I couldn't help. The first one to be proud to hold my hand in public. The first one to smile when she called me her girlfriend. My first, but just another letdown. Then, the first time I really felt comfortable talking to someone like I did, the first time there wasn't shyness or awkwardness or anything, and she stops talking to me after telling me that I was the only one she wanted. So please, just understand where I'm coming from when I say I've been hurt. And please, please, please realize that the things I've felt for all of these girls put together, it doesn't come close to what I feel for you and how much I want to be with you. I want to make this last a really long time. But please, forgive me for being scared. 

I have no idea when you sent this or who you are, but thank you :) You're awesome.

I'm so worried that one day soon, she'll realize I'm not worth it. I'm not worth the lack of sleep, the late nights spent on Skype between doing homework, the wondering when we'll be together again next. Because I don't see myself as being worth that for anyone, let alone someone as amazing as she is. I want to be with her more than I've wanted to be with anyone. The joke of a relationship last year that lasted a month and a half and spanned a thousand miles? Nothing compared to this. What went on with Leslie in school last year, the constant back and forth and wondering what the next day would bring? That's fine. It doesn't matter anymore. Being terrified that my mom would forbid me from seeing Melissa once she found out we were dating? I'd take Maddie over her any day regardless. But I'm just waiting for the time to come when she realizes I'm not worth it for her. 

Is it worse to hope against the pattern and get hurt, or set myself against what I fear will happen, trust a little bit, and get hurt in the end? So I won't let you close enough to hurt me I keep rationalizing, saying you don't seem the type. You aren't like those girls, the ones I used to go after. The ones that so obviously wanted nothing real from me. The ones that were using me. No I won't ask you, you to just desert me But oh, the smile that lights up my face whenever your name flashes across my phone. Even if it's just letting me know you're out of class or studying is terrible or to tell me that you're so sorry you didn't text me back sooner. Then there's all the cute, sweet things you say that set my heart racing and make me melt inside. I can't give you what you think you give me I really, really want to let go and say I like you, I have confidence that this can go somewhere, I trust you not to hurt me this soon. But I don't know if I can. It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.

Do you realize how much it kills me when you talk to me? It shouldn't. I should be over this. We were barely even together. But we were. And I know that now, when you talk to me, it's only because she's hurting you. I'm a back up plan. I always am. I won't let myself fall for it again.