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The Orthodox tradition of thinking of marriage as a 'martyrdom' may sound grim to contemporary Western (and Romantic) ears, but it seems to me to encode some profound theological insight. Marriage is indeed both a public 'witness' (martyr) and also, inevitably, the commitment to some form of loss, suffering, and transformation in relation and adjustment to the 'other'. Both these modes of 'witness'/martyrdom may of course be christologically conceived.

[O]ur true end is in no human other, but in God. Sexuality and marriage are practice for this: that my destiny lies in Another whom I cannot control: this is the mystery that Paul calls a profound one. This preparation is an ascetic enterprise; the marriage vows make it so: ‘for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.’ Asceticism, properly understood, does not mean ‘giving things up’; it means a spiritual discipline or training whereby lesser goods serve greater ones; it runs the race or seeks the pearl of great price. Marriage vows echo, and according to the Russian tradition derive from, monastic vows, including chastity (‘forsaking all others’), poverty (‘for richer for poorer’, ‘with all my worldly goods I thee endow’), and stability (‘till death us do part’). As Chrysostom wrote, ‘Perfect spouses are not inferior to monks; they can manifest greater virtues than the monastics.’ Children may arrive, as the U.S. book has it, ‘if it is God’s will’, and belong in the context of the ascetic enterprise. In this sanctification it is not so much we who act as God who catches us up into a parable of the one who loves, one who returns love, and one (the Spirit) who witnesses and guarantees the love of two – so that at weddings even the congregation, exercising the witnessing and warranting office of the Spirit, anticipates our sharing in the Trinitarian life. Such is the high ascetic calling that the Eastern Orthodox interpret the marriage crowns (which survive in the Common Worship blessing, ‘Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts and a crown upon their heads’) as crowns of martyrdom. This is no new theory of marriage, but one explicit in Eastern Orthodoxy and implicit in the marriage vows. The ascetic view of marriage treats it not as self-satisfaction but, Christlike, as self- donation.