I Think I'd Love To Die Alone

I really fucked up. I really, really fucked up.

I’m going out partying tonight for the first time in forever and I literally cannot express in words how excited/nervous I am!  

You once told me that your mom said “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Pretty boys should really listen to their mamas more.  😘

You know you had a toxic relationship with your mother when you literally have a dream about escaping from her. I had a dream last night that I was trying to escape from my mom as she was "hugging" me so tight that I couldn't move or breath, and she was asking me over and over again about my weight, my grades, the clothes I was wearing, my love life, on repeat, not stopping for breath. I just wanted to get away, but I couldn't breath or move at all. I haven't had a dream that I remembered in months until now.

I’m taking 2 accelerated classes, so they’re only 2 weeks long and pretty difficult. I was doing pretty well for the first few days. I was super productive today. I did my laundry, wrote out all my goals for the new year, made a homework schedule and a weekly schedule, and made a budget. I was about to start on my homework, when I saw a picture of someone from my past and I’m now hardcore depressed and having a hard time convincing myself to start my homework. This one stupid moment could ruin the great day that I’ve been having and the great grade that I should be getting and I hate that.

That awk moment when you realize that abusive people from your past still have control over you and they don’t even talk to you anymore, but the second you see their picture or hear a certain song or see one of their friends, you feel like you’re their bitch all over again. And it brings back all the bad memories, shining in the same silver lining that you used to depend on all the time.

I used to be able to eat under 900 calories a day and I don’t remember how, but I miss it. I’m really trying to control my eating and restrain myself to 1200 calories a day, but I’ve already had 1300 today, and if I can’t control myself, I know I’ll end up eating a late night snack on top of that. Ugh

I think perhaps the most tragic thing that could happen to a person is for them to fall deeply, desperately in love and to find out that their life plans to not match up.

When you call out of work because you’re nonstop coughing and can barely breathe, and have a headache that makes it hard to focus enough to even see straight, but somehow your mental illnesses are still fucking worse and you just sit in bed with crippling depression over someone who doesn’t even fucking care how you feel.

I’m always there for everyone, but when I need someone to talk to, there’s no one. And I know that’s a really cliche thing to say/feel, but literally I spent my 45 minute lunch break yesterday making sure that my friend had something to eat because he was so upset and heartbroken that he was going to get sick at work, and I had nothing to eat. I spent my 30 minute break walking my friend to his car and giving him food (that’s also kinda an inside joke with us) as a birthday present after finding out that he was concerned that no one would even notice his birthday. And now I’m drinking alone at 3pm because I too am heartbroken and I just found out that the guy that broke my heart and the guy who has fucked me over the most mentally (literally 5 years ago and I still talk about him. He’s in my fucking “about” on here.) might know each other and I have no one to fucking talk to. Suddenly everyone is too busy for me, even my friends who don’t have work or my friends who I go out of my way to talk to.

We were going to spend our entire lives together. But we couldn’t survive a year apart.