The Problems with DetCo Characters
The fact that this man is considered the standard of coolness within the DCMK universe should be considered a crime against humanity. His biggest talents are shooting guns and looking perpetually sleep-deprived while drinking bourbon and/or ragebaiting his one-sided mortal enemy. As for everything else? Complete and utter failure. Cooking? This man tried to serve RAW vegetables to the grandpa next door and his questionably adopted daughter. He is part British, which should be considered one of the seven deadly sins, and he voluntarily went to the United States of America, which I'm pretty sure IS one of the seven deadly sins. He gets told what to do by a child who could reasonably fit into a carry-on bag at the airport. He even managed to be the world's first deadbeat brother by FORGETTING he had a sister. This man needs to change out of the all-black attire immediately so people can appreciate him for the loser he is. Except the knit cap. Keep that on you bald motherfucker.
You know how everyone says "you can't run away from your problems"? Well, apparently, this bastard decided that just because he can't run from his problems doesn't mean he can't outwork them. Rei collects jobs the way some people collect Pokémon cards because lord forbid he go to therapy. Why talk about your own trauma when you can just traumatize everyone else, amirite? Let's not mention the fact that he supposedly hates a man so much that he quite literally dressed up as him and went out as him in public for some unknown period of time. Just kiss already, you know you want to. But seriously, I have no idea how this man has enough time in the day for all the jobs he has to do. At this point I'm convinced that his foreign parent is actually a magical being capable of bending space and time because what the actual fuck? Also, someone tell him to stop LARPing as your local friendly neighborhood barista because it is doing nothing for his aura.
Imagine the most boring, basic ass villain you know, and I can almost guarantee this guy will somehow be even MORE dull. In the old days, this man was genuinely someone to fear, but now? The only thing he's done in recent memory is kill off a few FBI agents whose names I can't be bothered to remember because they were invented purely for the purpose of being killed. And somehow, despite all that, he still isn't capable of finishing off their most incompetent agent, who I'll get to in a moment. His only redeeming quality is his amazing hair, but I'm not fooled. I know in my heart that man has the worst split ends known to mankind.
We know nothing of this man's family or history, but I can only assume he must have some insane blackmail material on the FBI with how he constantly fumbles the most basic of tasks and yet somehow is allowed to keep his job. If you told him that his job was to stand in the middle of a circle and stare at a single spot for twenty minutes, he would find a way to screw that up, too. The fact that he was actively hunted by the biggest criminal organization in the series, yet the only "disguise" Akai could come up with for him was a haircut despite Camel having a...rather memorable physique, makes me think he's secretly hoping this useless bastard will finally be finished off next time.
Someone tell this boy that it's the 21st century and he doesn't have to pretend he isn't gay for his rival anymore. He wants us to believe that he's in love with the girl he's known since he was but a wee child, but his confession was delayed for over five centuries because...his detective rival "confessed" in front of Big Ben (more like he and his childhood girl best friend got into a fight and he yelled out his feelings for her when she was about to run away crying, but I digress), and he wanted to make sure his own confession was aesthetically pleasing enough. Because, you know, having a pretty background is definitely the most important part when you're telling the supposed love of your life how you feel about them. Yeah, you're not fooling anyone, buddy. The closet is made of glass at this point. Oh, and when he finally did confess, he didn't even do it to the right person because apparently, he doesn't know his childhood friend well enough to notice when someone is disguised as her.
Nothing. This is best girl right here. No, I will not be taking constructive criticism at this time.
His entire arc was just the reheated nachos version of the Bourbon arc. More specifically, reheated nachos that have been left in the fridge about two weeks after they should have been discarded. The only difference is that Bourbon was a NOC while this guy is actually evil. Allegedly. Who knows, we might get a reveal ten years from now that he too is undercover with how the author likes to pull things out of his ass these days. For now, though, he's supposedly the second-in-command of the Black Organization, which you would think would mean this man would be an actual threat, yet the only thing ever threatened by him is my stomach when I try not to laugh looking at his ridiculous disguise.
Arguably the worst victim to date of Gosho's inability to write compelling women characters without tying them to a love interest of some sort. That whole arc with her and Vermouth? Yeah, we're just never getting a resolution to that, apparently. Her entire character now is staring admirably at her ex-boyfriend while occasionally doing things for the FBI, except said ex-boyfriend will inevitably have to come and fix whatever mess was made because god forbid a woman be allowed to be competent. I know there's a badass in there somewhere, but I fear it will never see the light of day again.
9. Morofushi Hiromitsu/Scotch
Look, I know having your cover blown was terrible and all, but was it really necessary to handle it like that, you dramatic ass bitch? You were thirty seconds from safety. Now you've given your best friend insatiable rage and the world's worst coping mechanisms. It's always the people you trust the most, smh...
Ignoring the elephant in the room (aka the bread comment), this woman is literally an NPC with speaking lines. Every single thing about her is the personified version of vanilla ice cream if whoever made the vanilla ice cream forgot to add quite literally everything that makes it taste good. Her defining character traits are "nice" and "gets flustered when people tease her about liking her male coworker". She works at a coffee shop and her favorite food is apparently strawberries because of fucking course it is. She looks like she would tell you that her favorite color is red and her favorite singer is Taylor Swift. Yet somehow, we keep having to see her because her entire purpose is being ship bait. Not that I think she deserves more, but can she go back to the land of nobodies where she belongs so we can move forward with the actual plot and maybe finish the story before all of us have gray hairs and grandchildren?
(To be continued at an undetermined date)
gummygunk
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
theartofmadeline
pixelskylines
origamiaround
kaledo-art
titsay
germansingergirl
