Sorry if this apology doesn’t make sense, formatted horrible or is just complete shit, I’m typing this on my phone with no plan or anything like that, also I don’t know how to use tumblr all that well.
My name is Ren, the person who was Jackoticon/emotykawn’s ex-boyfriend and former artist. I’m making this post to apologise for the stuff I drew and my lack of action and explain myself. If you were affected by my actions you have no obligation to forgive me.
I first met Jackoticon in June when he messaged me on my alt TikTok account about my profile picture of Jack from Cave Story. I knew of his existence prior to him contacting me but due to me being an outsider to the Lapfox community, I had no idea of what he was doing prior to this due to my lack of involvement in the fandom.
Our friendship quickly formed and then turned into a relationship within less than two weeks of meeting, it was only then that really I discovered his true nature of being extremely racist, homophobic and an all around bad person, which deeply discomforted me, but by this point I was in too deep. Like an idiot, I was completely delusional and decided to try and get him to change his ways and leave others alone, however this simply dragged me into the drama, to the point where I’d ghostwrite parts of his apologies and responses. Over time his true self reared its ugly head, with nonstop demands for me to draw all of his fantasies, and initially I went along with it however he became more demanding over time, culminating in an incident where he used his past and threatening to end his own life or self harm if I didn’t finish a commission right at that very moment because I wanted to sleep because it was midnight rather than finish his commission. This sent me the message that I HAD to draw whatever he asked me, even if it was heinous stuff like those drawings of Snakeloz’s Emoticon design and many other things I drew from that point on being done because I didn’t want him to do it again, however this still doesn’t change the fact that drawing those wasn’t okay and I still felt guilty for doing so even while drawing them.
We broke up around the end of last month when he got into an argument while withdrawing from his medication, that led to me blowing up in anger at him which was the first time I think I ever showed pure anger at him after taking so much abuse and lies, which was the closest I had gotten to leaving him, but he pleaded and begged and said that he would change, even if we weren’t boyfriends any more, where I believed him and we stayed together as friends. I believed that I had finally made him change, which was broken less than a week later when I saw him reposting racist stuff on TikTok again, which made me feel betrayed, and that was the moment I felt as if this relationship with him was on borrowed time.
Around a few days to a week ago, we argued again, about how he didn’t like playing solatorobo anymore because I finished the whole game before he did and how I had launched 5 seconds of Tail Concerto in a PS1 emulator to try and give him help on how to run it. We made an agreement about keeping distance from each other to prevent feeling fatigued around each other, which obviously didn’t last long as you’re reading this right now. Only a few hours ago I wrote a document telling him about why I was leaving him, which I sent before blocking him on as many things as possible.
I feel terrible for all of what I’ve let him do and what I’ve done myself. Some of the drawings I did make me feel incredibly guilty, especially because I would’ve never done them if I was in any other situation. I feel disgusting for enabling this for so long because of my stupid delusions of being able to “fix him” and all the harm it’s caused. It’s understandable if you don’t want to forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive myself. I just don’t want to have any more to do with this or cause any more harm than I already have caused.
update that nobody cares about: he's already trying to use his alts to get access to my tiktok account
gamechangershow
theartofmadeline
kianamaiart
gummygunk
