TLTR: Hi. It’s been a long time. I’ve moved away from my dad and I’m healthier in a lot of ways because of that. I feel like myself again after three years of not being myself. You guys kept the little part of myself alive during those three years so I made it where I am today. I’m really grateful for that. I’m on skype a lot more so contact me there or DA but not on Tumblr as I will be unlikely on here. Love you all.
Hey everyone.
Well I certainly used up every bit of time on my deadline didn’t I? Might have been even a little late and if that’s the case I apologize. I hope every birthday,graduation and good day is blessed and the ones that weren’t easy went by quickly.
As for my own life update, I managed to move out with my mother .pretty much 4 weeks after that post in another state. For the last six months there were some scary moments of homelessness and I don’t think my relationship with my mom will ever be the same but that’s the beauty of it:
My life is no longer the same: The heart pounding, the muscles uncontrollably contracting, nails digging into the floor because I can’t take that an hour has already passed and can’t handle what the next one bring, lungs aching, every social encounter a terrifying experience,unable to learn new things, the idea of that if I had died then that I had wasted an opportunity of my life living for my dad, just like so many other opportunities I had let slipped through my fingers because living in fear due to my living circumstances.
None of that happens anymore.
I’m so much better now. After a month or two of not living with Dad, my drive for life turned on once again. I know what I want for my future and it no longer scares me like it used to. The present isn’t painful anymore and the past is just that past. I’m actually being considered for a job whereas before I’d probably cry at that pressure and now I’m excited for it. Interactions with others are not easy for me yet but at least I can say, most of the time, that I can be proud of what I say. I’ve even contacted some old friends, something I’d always wanted to do but would pretty much have a panic attack (And yes, I do mean a legitimate panic attack) over a text. Now just gets me a little nervous but mostly happy to hear from them (I’m still alone a lot though). At the end of my stay with my Dad, my body had triggered an auto-immune disease (my mother’s family all have lupus on varying levels) but these days as long as I get rest and eat well, it’s not painful. As well I know I mentioned how my passion for draw and chracters was dying (aka my life force in that situation) but now I’m drawing a crazy amount crazy fast like I used to 3 years ago. And of course my characters are alive and well (well..as well as anybody’s OC can be at least)
I feel like how I was 3 years ago (when I graduated high school, aka my teachers and my friends were my rock and were the focus of my life versus my homelife so when we separated I wasn’t secure enough to find that new focus as well my Dad’s addictions begun to skyrocket) happy, wanting to explore the world, inspired and not caring so much if I was liked or not. I feel like myself.
It absolutely stuns me how different I feel than I’ve felt in the last three years. Almost asleep. Almost. What had stopped me from completely losing myself was you guys. Roleplaying, learning about your characters, and then learning about yourselves and then being with you all. Thank you for just being yourselves and sharing that with me. The good, the bad. Thank you for stoking the dying fire that was myself. Without you I wouldn’t be here today. I don’t think i would be here at all. I can’t word how grateful I am looking back. I know I wasn’t social and didn’t reach out a lot but it means so much to me that you were there to hear it.
Since I’m feeling better, I think I can definitely skype people to those who are still willing to pick up any friendships after 6 month cool down. I don’t think I’ll be on tumblr much though...Tumblr can be an amazing place. I don’t think I’ve ever found a funnier website or a more educational website but somehow no matter what I do or try, I still manage to find posts that shame me for what I was born as (Totally agree that I was born with privilege and that I don’t know anything about anyone, etc. I can’t deal with being forever pegged as ugly,fuck up,annoying,etc because of my race,gender. I’d like to be called those things because of my individual personality and face.) especially when I’m just relearning how to live in the world once again. (You guys, people who I have interact with, who have my skype, i’ve drawn pictures for,followed me from Sly’s blog, do not need to worry about things above) Maybe I’ll try to just check up on your guys individual blogs to keep up and send asks but IDK. We’ll see. I’m quite active on DA, so that’s the best place to hit me up on.
So, that’s the update. Love you all.
