Weeping Gray Rose

From the beginning, I loved my omens of darkness.

I think deep down I always knew that a part of me would have to die. If I ever wanted to live.

They called me an angel. So I clipped my own wings, knowing I belonged on this earth.

I approach with quiet footsteps. My dark eyes curtained by a widows veil of black.

I frighten people. A reminder of death that arrives uninvited.

But at home I curl up with my black cat and sing with the crows out my window.

I flinch away

When I need love the most

I don't know why

I weep quietly

When I most want to scream

I don't know why

I feel so alone

But you knew I would be

No matter how far I run

I always find myself

Here

Pouring words into the void

As if somehow

You will save me

From my own feverish mind

I suppose this is where

I collapse

When I cannot run any more

And I am forced to admit

When I stepped into the light

That I would guard my story

I would be aloof and casual

But the moment I speak

It all comes pouring out

I hold no thoughts back

When someone truly listens

I know deep down

I am playing with fire

But my heart is so cold

That I do not care

I hand over the key

To my heart, mind, and soul

Because for once

Someone wanted to know more

Please don't flinch away

I want to beg them

Step closer, ask me anything

I can promise I will answer

I cannot stop hoping

That perhaps this time

Someone will care enough

Whatever you want of me

Just take it

I won't fight you

It's not theft

To take

What belongs to no one

And I no longer wish

How no one notices

That my eyes are hollow

I don't understand

How they can talk to a corpse

As if it were a person

I don't understand

How not a single soul

Right before your eyes

And you will smile

As I succumb

I will die

Right at your feet

And you will simply

For me to love with an honest heart

Despite my pain

Is infinitely greater

Than the courage it took

Who used to fight so hard

To be allowed to surivive

Over and over

She dragged herself from the wreckage

Alive and angry

She refused to stay silent

So I made her

I built a room in my heart

With an unbreakable lock

She screamed and yelled

It seemed she would never stop

But today

Today she has gone silent

I have not heard her knocking

For so very long

I stand before the doorway

A trembling key in my hand

I am terrified of what I will find

A survivor

I never asked to be

A symbol

I should have been

Safe

I could have been

Alive

I would have been

Soft

I might have been

In the world today

All is muted

Fading Grey

I could cry

Shed a tear

But there is no one

Around to hear

Life is empty

Dark and Cold

And the monotony

Is growing old

I could run

Get away

I have nowhere to go

So I have to stay

Nobody cares

Everyone lies

Thoughtless hellos

Empty goodbyes

There is no color

In the world today

All is muted

All my years of bleeding words and it has come down to that. I can try to dress it up, shroud it in metaphor, and mask it with prose...but I'm tired.

I'm so tired.

I am very loving but that does not spare me from the exhaustion of giving too much. I have given too much of myself with the foolish hope that it would earn me the care that I crave. But I can't do that anymore.

I'm just so tired.

These useless poems I share on my abandoned corner of the internet do not grant me the rest that I need. Nothing does. Maybe I've finally run out of elaborate ways to say it.

This will lead to pain

I have been warned all my life

This choice could kill me

I have trembled and wept for wanting

This horrific and treacherous thing

I have done all I can to avoid it

This time has been different

Hand in hand

To enter this lifetime

Together

I loved you.

But something went wrong

Where did you go?

I awoke alone

My hands are empty

Desperately searching for you

I love you.

There is a place in my heart

I know belongs

To you

Nothing in this world

Could ever hope to fill it

Where are you?

I fear that I will spend forever

Searching for you

Desperately

Trying to keep a promise

My soul made long ago

I will love you.

With a heart full of grief

Searching

For a name I never learned

Where have you gone?

I will spend forever

All I ever did was love

Honestly and vulnerably

I cared

I care so very much

All I ever wanted

Was for someone to care

To see me

All of me

And love me anyway

You unraveled me

Stripped me bare

Wrenched me open

Then walked away

I wasn't what you wanted