My Journal

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Lord help the thoughts in my head. Getting tired of hating what I see in the mirror.

Anonymous

I hate those websites you can link to your Snapchat and me like ‘swipe up and tell me what you think of me’ etc.

It’s not because I’m worried if what people will say.

New Start Jumble

The day after Veterans Day was when I was told I was moving. I’m moving homes, schools, and states.

Currently I’m just sitting in the bath (the first one I’ve had in forever) just writing this. Musically is quietly playing as the water slowly drains out bc I don’t understand this drain. I already accidentally drained half the bath water just trying to move around.

It’s nice having enough hot water to take long showers and a bath for once.

We moved to the new everything like three days ago and it’s been work nonstop. I’m upset that I didn’t get my own room again and I’m in a even smaller one then before but it doesn’t really matter anymore. The carpet is soft and a pretty gray color. I’m also in the corner so that’s fine. We also got a TV for Christmas so when I get a PS4 I could play it in there.

I hope I get a PS4.

So I kinda broke the towel holder thing before I got in the bath and I think I fixed it but I’m not using it anymore. I’ll tell my sis to not use it as well.

Rant real quick, when I told my three friends (that’s right. 3) they really pissed me off those last few weeks. One kept making comments the whole time and the others were like so what you gonna do for college and all that bs. Then it’s my last two days and something just messes up. They ignore me, they’re talking about me, they’re leaving without me. One is pretending to know nothing so they don’t have to get involved. The next morning I’m thinking everything is fine which it’s kinda okay then I step out the car and starts all fucking over again. They ignore me. I’m tired of their shit so I just leave it. Then they hug me at the end of midterms in the parking lot. Like that confused me.

I was so happy when one of them texted me a few days later and of course I texted back. We’ve been texting straight for two days. Though I feel like I’m only there for backup when the others go out without her bc of her strict parents.

AND THE OTHER ONES HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED TO ME AT ALL. LIKE IT’S PETTY BUT I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL LIKE THIS WITH ALL THAT TALK THEY WERE DOING ABOUT HOW THEY WERE GOING TO DIE WITHOUT ME THERE.

Anyways...

So the move has been normal.

Im in the mood to write something and I don’t have any inspiration so I just began writing this little entry bc I haven’t posted anything in a long time.

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Okay so I just thought that when I get famous and someone finds this Tumblr then I’m fucked. 🤷‍♀️😫

I’m also in the mood to start a flower garden and to stare at pretty plants and flowers and such~

🌸 🌺 🌹

“Because I said so.”

I can not fucking wait to move out of this fucking shithole I’m forced to live in. I’m getting real tired of “because I said so” and flat “No”’s being the reason I can’t go out.

Like at least I tell you I’m going to a party. Maybe think about that. Or think about the fact that I’m actually being social (just like you’ve always told me) and the fucking minute I get plans you say no. Hell I don’t even go out to parties that much bc I’m a fucking loser in school and no one invites me to places.

And then I’m considered a downer or lame because I can’t do anything and I’m also the girl with really strict parents who won’t let her do anything. Oh and they also track her car and can see who she texts 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃.

Future

I really want to go into the criminal justice field but everything I want to do requires me going through an intense training camp and I’m really not made for that. They start off their day by running for an hour and I literally can not run at 100% for an hour. I’ve pushed myself and barely could do a lap around a softball field. For all the sports I played, I’ve always been the slowest and the weakest if I had to add another adjective. I’m going to have to change my major even before I start college because I’m scared.

I’ll be the slowest and the sickest during these trainings. The sergeants or whatever are going to yell at me because I’m slacking. Hell, I’m crying right now writing this. How am I going to handle being yelled at in front of tons of built strangers by someone who is tough as fuck and doesn’t care?

Like I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be stuck in some lab. I want to be on the field working and helping people but I’m not going to be able to pass the training.

I just don’t know. I’m worrying and stressing and crying about this. My mom says that I should just adjust now if I want to be ready for this but how? I’ve tried working out and eating healthy and it doesn’t stick. And I don’t have and will never be able to have a personal trainer to help.

7th Hour

So I’m in my last class, english lab, and none of us are wanting to do anything becasue it’s HoCo week. Well everyone had changed seats because some people checked out and they wanted to sit with there friends.

Well it started with this guy, who is a left handed pitcher for baseball, left the room. I had to do IXL and I heard the teacher say “Don’t take his stuff from his wallet.” I look up and one his friends that we is sitting with has taken his wallet and started emptying it out and putting everything on the table. Then he starts unhooking the keys from his key chain and putting them on the table. The teacher is asking why because she is trying to grade papers and the guy will be loud. Well he comes in and his two friends were laughing and I’m hiding my smile. He asked what did they do and he says his hates his friend.

Well then his second friend leaves and I look up to see the left handed pulling everything out his other friend’s book bag. When his friend walked in he looked so done.

Then as class begins to end the friend who messed with his wallet and keys had to move to charge his iPad. Well he leaves and I see the left handed guy get up. He grabs the guy’s iPad and I turn back to my IXL. Well I notice he wasn’t sat down and I glance up at him and he hands me his friend’s IPad. I panic and say “Oh God I don’t want this.” and I turn around and give it to my girl behind me. She doesn’t want it so she gets up and hides it under our friend’s chair. By now I have lost it and there are tears starting to run down my face as I silently laugh. My girl is laughing, his friends are laughing and his friend walks in. He knows it’s gone and he starts searching the other guy’s bag. I’m bent down staring at my iPad and covering my mouth.

A bit of time has passed and he was gone through another guy’s stuff and pushed the left handed around. The left handed kept saying that I took it and the teacher, messing around, says that I took it because you would never suspect me to take it because I look innocent. I’m saying that I didn’t take it, because I didn’t, and he keeps looking. Well he comes over and snatches my IPad and keeps asking where is his IPad. I’m telling him I didn’t take it and he says he believes me so I take my IPad back.

Well it has gotten to the point where the teacher has gotten up from her desk and is now telling the person to give him back his iPad. I turn to the left handed pitcher and tell him where it is and he laughs. He tells his friend to step forward and when he does the left handed guy says “Colder.” He then proceeds to lie about who has it before he finally looks down and sees it.

Then the teacher left the classroom to see who was making the noise and one of the guys goes “Someone hide her laptop” and she comes back and tells us not to touch her stuff.

What was weird is that I’m not close to any of those guys and I was having a shitty day and that made by day a bit better.

Parking Spots

Seniors got to paint their parking spots and I have everything but the words!

Add it to the Collection

From shitty guy, to shitty guy, to shitty, I find a guy I click with.

Quick summary, we’ve been talking about three- four days straight and he asks me out.

I ask my mom if I can go out at that time. She begins to ask lots of questions.

I spill.

She says No.

She goes over to my dad who is visiting and he says no.

Guess I can add him to list of shitty relationships. 🙃

...

I don’t even know how to tell him that my parents have never met him but they hate him.

I don’t even know how I’m going to tell him we can’t keep talking.

Windows Down

So I’m heading home after getting groceries and a drink and as I’m on like the main road to go home, a song I like comes on. So I turned it up like anyone else will do and roll the windows down.

As I do so, I’m passing a few people and I even out with a nice black car with their windows down as well. They too are blaring their music.

Well I look at the driver and for a bit we make eye contact. We smile at each other and I stale back some as me and my sister chuckle.

“Did he look at us?” She asked and I nodded.

So I speed up some to pass him and wait to see what he does. Well he speeds up some just to pass us, throws his hand up through his sunroof and takes off.

“Don’t.”

I ignored my sister, pass the person in front of me, and sped after him. (Still staying under the speed limit my mom set me). I pass him, giving him a peace sign, and he smiles. Sadly, he couldn’t pass me because he had to turn.

First Concert Convo

Alright so check this out.

Before the concert even started, I’m waiting for the gates to open to the concert area and I sign (like American Sign Language) to my sister that there is an emo to her side that I thought was kinda cute. Well after she comes to sit down, I tell her what I was signing (which was literally just the word ‘emo’ and subtly looking in the guy’s direction) because I barely know any ASL but I’ve been dying to be fluent in it blah blah, I’m getting off topic. My sister and I then start to chat and then this guy just appears in front of me out of no where.

He is moving his fingers and I thought he was trying to tell me that I looked familiar. Ya know, like when someone has like their hands to their mouth and they goodness me and all and starts talking with their hands. Well I played along and was like wow you look familiar. I was wrong. He says some place that starts with C is where his from and I’m like omg maybe he was looking at my hat and liked it. Wrong again!

The whole damn time he was signing to me and having some convo and my dumbass is like ‘Oh, he is trying remember who I am.’

Finally he tells me he was signing and he saw me signing and he came over to join because well how often is it that you meet someone who uses ASL.

He asked if I knew it or something and I was like very little then he signed something else like really fast and I had to be straight with him and tell him I didn’t catch any of that. Well he said he signed his name and told me and I’m like hi and the second we shook hands I forgot his name. Like poof. Gone.

Now I’m talking to this guy embarrassed as hell. Because I’m socially awkward, I’m having trouble fixing on what he says even though he talks smoothly, and I keep repeating my little mistake about how I couldn’t remember his name (etc).

He tells me he is here for the concert as well and how he likes the band and I tell him that this was one of the first bands I’ve listened to in this category. Then he mentions another band and I’m like shit. I didn’t hear him so I thankfully say I don’t think I’ve listened to them. Lucky he said bye quickly without the awkward pause and went back to his family.

I’m Ready

We had to go to Books-A-Million to get some books for school and not only did I find my two favorite books (White Fang and Call of The Wild by Jack London) combined into one but I managed to get Grimm’s Complete Fairy Tales.

I’m already on the 7th fairy tale, The Good Bargain, And so far Faithful John is my favorite. I’m ready to get to some that I have heard of like Cinderella and Hansel and Grethel and see how different they are suppose to me.

It’s so much thicker then I thought; it’s the size of my palm. Also the cover is beautiful. Since it’s from the 1812’s (not the actual book but the stories and all) it has like this 1812 theme and it’s just beautifully vintage.

Pics of front, side, and proof of thickness:

Theme Songs