Dear J. Doe

Rape and sexual abuse can DEFINITELY change how we view sex, and can have a major impact on sexual behaviors.

I think it’s fairly common for CSA survivors to engage in sexual behaviors at an earlier age than they otherwise would have (many survivors will start acting out their abuse with other children, thinking it’s regular and acceptable behavior), maybe to regain control after trauma or as a way of normalizing what happened.

I also know some children just discover that masturbation feels good earlier than others, though, so I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily indicative of current/past abuse.

This is really tough. I would recommend answering his questions honestly, but not graphically. Tailor your answers to his maturity level, almost no one knows him better than you do. You could give him a small lesson about consent, if you wanted, and explain that someone hurt you very much by forcing sexual contact that you didn’t want.

Forcible sexual touching is sexual assault. Talking to you about sexual things without your consent is sexual harassment.

She sounds like an abuser to me.

1. It is not your fault that you trusted a friend to respect your boundaries. 

2. He is an abusive piece of shit who took advantage of you in a vulnerable position. I would even bet he was more than just taking advantage of an existing situation, I would bet he purposely tried to orchestrate a scenario in which you’d have difficulty fending him off.

So. He’s an abusive piece of PREDATORY shit, and this is not on you.

3. He 100% sexually abused you. 

Forcing sexual contact on someone who doesn’t want it is sexually abusive. If you were both children, it would definitely fall under CoCSA.

I do queue posts/asks/submissions as I find them/answer them, but I have also not been consistent with checking this blog. 

I often feel like I’m letting all of you down, but this year has been rough for me emotionally and I sometimes just don’t have the energy or strength to immerse myself in this type of content.

Thank you for your question, your kindness, and your understanding.

Your uncle and dad were COMPLETELY inappropriate and downright disgusting. I’m so sorry. If you feel that knowing for certain would give you closure, is there any way you could talk to your mom alone about your uncle?

If the feelings you’re having are interfering with you living your life and you think finding the root cause would bring you closure, it could be worth looking into.

I don’t have any experience with repressed memories, but processing trauma was very helpful for me.

Please don’t confront the person unless you know you’re safe to do so, I would recommend talking to a trusted friend or family member first.

If you don’t feel comfortable telling him, you can just say you like to go slow. He doesn’t need to know why (or that there’s a “why” at all) unless you want him to.

It has been beneficial to me to be open with partners, but it’s something I only tell them when I trust them completely. 

Please consider talking to a professional if you don’t already, I can relate SO MUCH to the constant fear of others and that was the only thing that helped me.

Other than that, engage in daily self care, maybe do something that makes you feel strong and capable (doesn’t have to be a physical thing, can also be an activity to sharpen your observational skills, that sort of thing).

Anyone of any gender can be a rapist, and anyone of any gender can be a victim of rape. Your experience is valid.

I can understand the feelings of self loathing, but I want you to know that your girlfriend made the decision to hurt you on her own. Nothing you did had anything to do with her actions, this is ENTIRELY on her.

There’s a lot of overlap with those terms, I think they could all apply to your situation. It’s really whatever you feel comfortable calling it that’s important.

I’m a big proponent of talking about trauma. This wouldn’t necessarily involve filing a police report if you don’t want to, but confiding in your support system or seeing a mental health professional to deal with the negative emotions and associations that the experience caused you.