If my heart spoke it would say this...

You were always smarter than me. And maybe that’s why you saw the end long before I did. As I tried to hold on, tried to grasp for something that was no longer there- you already knew there was no hope. “Sometimes you can love someone, but not be in love with them anymore,” you tried to explain. Then, I couldn’t understand how you could love someone, and they could make you happy, but you wouldn’t want to be with them anymore. I couldn’t understand how people could fall out of love for no reason. But then maybe we weren’t in love, maybe we never knew what love was?

Push and Pull: “You’re so special to me,” he whispers before falling asleep. Two steps forward “I think you’re great but this is all we’re ever going to be” Two steps backwards “I think I’m falling in love with you” A jump forward “I think we should start seeing other people” The distance between us grows greater”

“I miss you” he said, Words I wanted to hear from you for so long I wanted to scream “I miss you too,” my heart wanted to jump out of my chest and wrap its arms around you I wanted to tell you that I never took your toothbrush out of the bathroom and no one took your spot on the left side of my bed I wanted to tell you everything was the way you left it and it can be all yours if you wanted Oh god, how I wish I could have. But I can’t forget the way you left with no hesitation I can’t forget how I saw a flash of a person I didn’t recognize and the person you were afterwards was cruel I can forgive you- we both knew I did before you asked, but I can’t forget.

I do not always feel this empty aching sadness- the kind that leaves me crouched in the corner of my room, clutching my chest and unable to move. Sometimes I am happy, and sometimes I am dancing with my friends and going to the movies and laughing- laughing so much that my stomach hurts. But then there are times, when all that can calm me is the comfort of my bed and the blinds drawn to keep out the daylight. Sometimes, my mind plays tricks on me and convinces me that I am a bother and unimportant to everyone around me. And sometimes, I am sorry to admit this, I give in to that feeling. I let it take over and I trap myself in isolation where I cannot do any harm to anyone else. I let my mind convince me that I am a bad daughter, sister and friend. But I am working on it.

Maybe the dreams we have of us with people from our past- those dreams that feel so real, are happening in alternate universes. Somewhere, some place, far away, we are still together. I imagine your eyes fluttering open as the morning sun trickles into the room. You turning to me, reaching for my hand- closing the space between us. Somewhere, some place, you are still in love with me.

If you asked what I was to him, he’d tell you I was convenient. “Sometimes, we just need somebody- we just need a body to feel less alone” he’d say. And so you would sit there, feeling foolish that you thought all those phone calls and all the times he spent with you when he could be doing other things, meant anything more to him than a quick fuck. You’d replay moments in your mind, moments when you swore he looked at you differently- almost lovingly. *** If you asked what he was to me, I’d tell you that he was an almost. That he was something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but he was more- he meant more than anyone before him. But I couldn’t tell him that, even if I tried, even if I did, he would just laugh and kiss me Unbutton my blouse and try to get me to forget what I was thinking about “I don’t ever want to hurt you”, he’d say, “can’t we just stay like this, keep things simple." And so those three words stayed on tip of my tongue, but they never came out. And I knew I had fallen for him. And from the way he looked at me, I knew he still loved her.

"I'll never love you. At least not in the way you want me to." How foolish of me, to hear that as a challenge.

He traces his fingers in a circular motion on my back. Defeated he admits, “There’s no future for us.” I know he’s right- I know I shouldn’t argue. I look into his eyes, trying to memorize them for when he inevitably leaves. “I know, but you can’t blame me for wishing there was.”

He was a juxtaposition of a human. Sometimes, his eyes lit up and he would be so kind and gentle. And if I was having a bad day, he would be first to hug me- not let go until I smiled, squeeze me a little tighter to let me know that he was there kind of hug. And whenever that wasn’t enough he would take me on long car rides and stop at the nearest gas station and reappear with my favourite chocolate. And I would wonder to myself, what did I do to get so lucky? And sometimes, his light eyes would turn dark and I would forget his softness and our car rides and all I would be left with is holes in walls and his bruised knuckles. “Look what you are doing to me” he’d say. And I would feel my stomach tighten as I kissed his fingertips and apologized. And I would try and make him smile again, I’d use all my energy to try and make him smile again. He’s just having a bad day, I would repeat to myself. So I moved closer to hug him, give him one of those tight hugs that I loved so much- but he’d push me away. “I’m never like this- you make me like this” he’d yell and I would feel myself shrink as I apologized again and again, as if I were a broken record. And the next day, he would reappear, head bent down, apologizing, saying it would never happen again. His eyes bright and full of promise. And I would think to myself; I hope so, I really do because I can’t keep doing this.

His eyes were bloodshot and he smelled of whiskey His eyes refused to meet mine and it reminded me of a time When my psychology professor told us that it was easier to hurt someone if you aren’t looking at them. And so we sat there in silence, only a couple feet away but he felt far away. And I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him Tell him that I was sorry, but I couldn’t say the words out loud Perhaps out of pride, or maybe because I couldn’t describe how it felt like to be loved so intensely and then discarded so quickly. And so we sat there in silence, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood up and accepted it all- how he felt withdrawn, as if I already lost him. And in defeat, I turned my back and walked away from the boy who held my heart. *** Looking back, I think I knew it would be the last time I’d see him. And the words I didn’t tell him left a bitter taste in my mouth I wanted to ask if he stopped caring about me I wanted to ask if he started seeing her again I wanted to ask if he was in love with her And sometimes, I regret how I left things. Sometimes, I wondered if he thought I didn’t care at all and maybe thats why he never reached out. But then I remember how I saw them holding hands when crossing the intersection a week later and how I didn’t even feel surprised.

You finally exhale that breath you didn’t realize you were holding in for so long. You no longer torment yourself with questions like: why don’t we talk anymore, why are you so far away and not here- not here with me? And damn, is it liberating to finally understand that it wasn’t your fault that they don’t love you anymore. That maybe sometimes we aren’t meant to stay in each others lives forever and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean hatred, the two of you just outgrew your pasts and the new you isn’t synonymous with the old you. So all you can do is smile and wave as you wish them goodbye and good luck on their journey that no longer includes you.

Listen, I know things are different now but I hope you’re well. I hope you know that you’ll always have a special place in my heart and I know that doesn’t mean much to you because your heart is sitting in the corner of my room where you left it. I understand its different between us now and I’m the one to blame. But I think about you every now and then. I picture you smiling, driving your grandfathers convertible that you fixed up with your dad a couple summers ago. And I remember how you refused to let anyone tell you that it was more trouble than it was worth. I remember how determined you were, how you carried yourself with confidence and how you always believed you could fix anything. And sometimes, I wonder if we can be friends that catch up every once in awhile, no strings attached, no feelings, just friends. But then reality sets in, and I’m not oblivious to the pain I’ve caused you. I know you don’t understand why I walked away but you deserve someone who can love you as much as you loved me. When things got complicated, I know you expected me to stay and work through it with you. But I’ve never been any good at that- I’ve always been the type to look for a way out, to run away. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed but thank you for loving me.

That night, I tried to forget you I tried to find myself- my old self in someone else But when all the noise disappeared, I began searching for parts of you in his eyes in his voice in his touch *** “Do you still think about him?”, he asked. “No, it’s been so long.

Listen, I know you love him and he says he loves you too… but you need to be able to feel that. When you were apart, he claimed it was the distance and you nodded your head somewhat convinced. But if your bodies are tangled together and you still don’t feel anything, then it can’t be the distance. You shake your head in frustration because you wanted this to work out and you truly thought it would. But now you are left wondering; what happens when you are attracted to the idea of someone more than the actual person? What happens when he’s right in front of you and yet he still feels far away?

“Just friends” he says. “Just friends” I agree. He makes me laugh and tells me about his fears and hopes. He touches me in ways I didn’t think were possible- that I didn’t know were possible. “Just friends” he says. “Just friends” I hesitate. He holds me in his arms and kisses me at 3am. He laughs at my quirks and brushes my hair behind my ears. “Just friends” he whispers. “Just friends” I lie.

"I just wanted to forget about it for a while," she said.  “But then I remembered that you don’t forget about things like that. Maybe you can for a bit, but you never truly forget. Your past- the past you want nothing more than to erase from your memory, has a way of creeping up on you and tapping you on the shoulder when you least expect it.” She paused, “It’s like a series of flashbacks- a painful reminder of what I had but lost.”

That summer, we walked until our feet hurt. We walked until we got lost and discovered new territory. We walked and sometimes, sometimes you held my hand. And I swear that summer, I wished I could pause time and stay under the warm night sky with you. Talking about everything and nothing and listening to you laugh as I tried to count the leaves on the maple trees. One night, we walked until we found rocks to sit on and you kissed me and I remember thinking; that’s what a kiss should feel like. But before I knew it, the leaves began to fall off the trees and I had to pack my car to return home. And for months afterwards, I found myself thinking about maple trees and that summer. Wondering who you went on walks with now and if I was just another memory to you.