#vodka thoughts

Just remember. With you, I tried my best.

It lives in me - this fear of not doing enough, of not being enough, of being an impostor. Of being someone who needs others instead of being someone others need. It’s blue paint splattered on the wall when it used to be red. It’s an ocean roaring white, waves crashing against the shore and taking away what’s always been there.  I’d give it everything, you know, I’d give you my all. But these days I’m not sure that’s enough anymore. These days I’m not sure you’ve ever seen me the way I do when I stare at myself in the mirror. With the scratches and bruises and colour chipped off at the edges. I wonder why you keep me small when you should make me feel taller than the highest mountain. Maybe that's because it's exactly what I expected when my fingers brushed yours for the first time. Maybe that's because this is what I've always settled for - someone else who makes me feel less so I don't have to do it myself.

i only just scratched the surface of how fucked up you were.