Untitled

Out with the old, in with the new

The last time I saw her was 5 years ago. We moved our separate ways. I had taken a job in San Francisco, our hometown, and she moved away to Toronto for her masters program. Although I agreed it would not work out, the pain of losing someone you were so in sync with is something that changes you. 

These 5 years have opened my eyes. I have been able to grow as an individual and truly become the person I want to become. All because of the void my ex-girlfriend had left in my world. When she left, a part of me was ripped out of my body. I never felt the same and deep down I know I would never be the same person again. I looked back and reflected on all the moments we cherished together and became aware of my true self. There would be moments of tears, and splurges of laughter. I remember some lonely nights, where I would stare at the ceiling until I fell asleep. Somedays, I would regret my previous decisions and imagine how life would be if I had followed her to Toronto. The demons I battled in my mind these past few years were some of the darkest and hardest times I had to overcome.

Now, 5 years later, I feel like Bilbo again. Like my true self. Now I am truly finding peace. I am in my next chapter and ready for what is written next. I stop and freeze instantly. Standing by herself waiting for the train. It is Olivia. I rub my eyes and am even more shocked to see her still there. Do I say hi? Or do I simply walk away? A pool of emotions flow through my head and this deep sense of weight falls onto my shoulders. I think back to all the self reflection and self growth I had done. After weighing the options, I choose to walk away. Minutes later, while walking away I accidentally bumped into this woman who was walking beside me. Her coffee goes flying and spills all over the street.

“My apologies, I’m so sorry. I’ll buy you another one”. She frantically replies back “no, no it's okay” as she looks up. 

At that moment, we lock eyes and something clicks. That feeling when you just feel something natural. This is it, I finally feel something I have never felt in so long. 

“No, let me buy you a coffee”

“You know what, I would like that” as she smiles.

GIF

I think back to the day I hired Charlie. It was the best decision I had ever made. I was on the fence, but that one decision has made my Taco business grow exponentially. Charlie was only 18 years old and fresh out of high school when he started working with me. I have seen him grow into such a great person and acquire so many essential traits needed to back his Business Degree. It makes my heart warm, but my stomach churn from a business perspective. I am just too old now to keep up with new technology and online marketing. Losing Charlie can potentially make Tacoria go bankrupt! What do I do?! Time ticks away. Days pass faster than ever, scoping in towards doomsday. 

6 months later. Tick. Tick. Tick. This morning something feels different. I skip breakfast which is very unusual for me, and head to the shop.

Charlie walks in for what might be his last shift at Tacoria due to the expression I see on his face. It definitely is not the same as usual. Something is off. As expected, he asks to speak to me in my office. My heart is racing and my palms are sweaty. I cannot control my thoughts and I begin to speak. I begin to tear up as I beg Charlie to stay with me. I even offer him a share in the business which I had been thinking about for a very long time as it was well deserved. I continue to blab on and list reasons why he should stay, and he tells me to get a grip and let him finally speak.

“You have been the best boss ever Jeff. You made me feel as if I was at my own home at all times. When my parents kicked me out of the house at 18, you were the only one who gave me a job when I was in need. No one was ready to hire me. I appreciate you. You were there for me when my own blood was not. Because of your care towards me, and teaching me so much about business, I am giving you a two weeks’ notice that I am ready to join your team full time, Jeff!”

Warmth rushes through my body. It feels like a dream. I ask Charlie you he is actually staying.

“Yes. Yes I am.”

Tomorrow’s my big day! Tomorrow I will stroll across the stage in our gymnasium with my chest out. Tomorrow is the day they will announce whether I get into Harvard University. I am very confident that the announcement will be in my favour, but I still begin doubting myself at times. The past few months have been so rough. I went from wanting to become pro NBA player to aiming to become a Lawyer all because of this stupid tear in my Achilles. Ever since the day my surgeon told me I will never be able to play basketball again, my mind began to race. I could not control my thoughts at first, but as a couple weeks went by, I narrowed my choices down and decided I wanted to become a Lawyer. The following day I applied to Harvard University and that is when the stress began to fog my mind up. It got worse as days went by. I was losing sleep, and it felt as if I was going to be trapped up in this cage until I found out whether it is a yes or a no from the university of my dreams. 12 hours from now I will get my answer, but for now, I will sleep.

My mother wakes me up at 8:05 AM, almost 45 minutes past the time my own alarm was suppose to be on. Oh no! My commencement starts at 9 AM! I was so stressed out last night, I forgot to put my alarm on! I zoom to the bathroom and brush my teeth in the shower because I am not trying to get late. Mom has the car started outside, and I race to the car as my stomach growls at me for not eating this morning. We stop outside the gymnasium doors and I arrive 1 minute early. 8:59 AM. I take my seat and my commencement starts. They will announce my acceptance in 10 minutes, right before the ceremony starts. 

After what felt like hours, I finally look at my Apple Watch in hopes of it reading 9:09 AM, but it is not. It is 9:01. It feels like the stress from the past few months has all combined forces and taken over my brain! I can’t do this anymore! I just can’t! All this waiting, anger and frustration has been ruining my life! All for what?! For the dean to say no? No, we do not want you at our university? No, you are not good enough for us? No, you’re a dumb jock wanna-be basketball player? I look down at my watch. 9:08 AM. Two more minutes until this stress mixes in with the air around me instead of in my brain.