JAUNE

unrelated, I was hoping you’d call me to come over, watch me slide over, pretending to be moved by intense laughter.

*erase*

unrelated,  I was hoping you’ll notice,  my intense waiting,  the thrill in my eyes,  a long anticipation unnoticed..

*erase*

Forgive me, but within me, I’ve felt this urge to reel you in, pull you in till you reach the point where you can’t stop kissing me.

*erase*

 *Mina Jacobs is typing*

Like birds propelled into air,  with a reckoning force, brushing against their wings,  promising a steady flight;  their freedom in many waves.

Like birds propelled into air,  I’ll be your reckoning force,  brushing against your heart,  promising a steady romance;  your freedom in many waves.

If all you needed was a genuine feeling from someone;  something expressed the second its thought initiated,  then look around,  maybe you found it, but it felt too strange to recognize.  

Maybe.. Just maybe,

someone already feels that way;  already talked about getting you to stay;  already had wonderful thoughts about you,  and found all their favorite feelings around you.. 

Maybe.. Just maybe,

they already see your light,  the flames you let burn within you; that slow yet distinct motivation,  you hide behind all the distraction.. 

Maybe.. just maybe 

they found distress in their untried roles,  but still in dire need to express from within their souls,  with words that invade your true essence;  that evolving personality deemed deserving of love.. 

Maybe.. Just maybe you already found it. 

The soft voices; those harsh words, of with each piercing sound, pieces of my heart broke, hurting with each scattered echo, enduring till it hit the ground..,

Debris scaling off; doubts opening up, distrust emptying into a void, of with each drop, my happiness resurfaced, remodeling, till i’m clutter free.

See, I want a love not blind to reality,  but sees only what the hearts feels, the kind that won’t be blindsided by humanity, as it crashes through the selective vision.. 

a love that avoids the urges to fill a void, lets reality invade; feel it penetrate, but leave without taking something; 

something unrecoverable; a reminder for due actions, for when you play the victim..   Oh you know.., the scene, with you in fresh tears, cursing, swearing,  that you never meant to hurt me.

Your mood that evening, it had me written all over it, or was it regret, can’t tell any more.

Your quietness spoke in actions, louder when I sought your attention, and you know how I hate alienation..

I kept yearning to see you smile, searched your face for expressions, or was it answers, can’t tell anymore..

I frowned to draw your focus, you pulled in, ripped that emotion; My face fell flat, still your eyes failed to rise,

I sought an attitude adjuster; that one reminder., your only truth in this pretense..

‘I’m leaving you"

It worked! 

I’m loving you now,  I am doing it all at once,  I can’t survive on a timeline..

forgetting to live my youth’s reality.

I only learned the mature way to act;

before stupidity forces me to react. 

I became a full fledged adult,
 

I sometimes hate myself for it,

and as the responsibilities evolve,

I seem to run out of ways to get through it. 

I declared my evil thoughts as facts;  sprayed holy water on my drafts,  tried to cleanse thoughts so unclean,  Will the lord save me from the unseen?   I’ve been outnumbered by vessels that breed sin,  led a parade of temptations to stop the fight within.  I’ve watched envy throw in the towel for greed,  given shame no excuses to delve into my needs.

I’ve met with souls of legion that belonged to offshore swines,  dined in lecherous rooms of women with beauty, serpentine.  I’ve crossed lines leading to places with Calvary in the rear,  freed my self-loathe from a salvation I didn’t have to bear.

I’ve deprived myself of the saving flames of Pentecost,  invited doubt as a shroud my mind could finally host.  I have strayed and aided in being led astray,

mostly to desires myopically far away,

with a clouded mind and a vague vision;    en route to a more rewarding mission,  paralleling the path of righteousness, as i avoided the quick detours to Gomorrah.

I traveled through the extremely hot climate, only to stop at the gates of misdirected faith. 

Welcome

I believed intuition was the key; a quick glance of the future in hindsight,  something not even fate could touch, but I would somehow manipulate. 

I believed i could control my emotions, steer them in only known directions; one regressed twist at a time, as I move through life in circles. 

that i could go higher when I feel a fall, to let out my bottled screams, avoid drowning in silent tears, the ones I’d forget to cry,  and still can’t figure out why.

that I could learn to avert sex; become celibate, but not too rigid to flex, forget to reply the lustful texts  and still care less about the next.

that i could shut my hearts door, staying proofed of heartache’s knock; become apt with the needed farewells;  the staged smiley faced ‘I wish you wells’, and then learn ways of saying goodbye,  without letting the reactions fill my eyes.

I believed these expectations would bring me relief. It didn’t.  

Hey! ..uhm listen..

Tonight, might be the night I finally get to speak, 

the night I tell you, you make me sick, 

make my intentions seem  weak, 

 and baby you know I anger too quick.. 

Regardless of how prude I might sound, 

or how my confused mind resounds,

you try to get my head saturated; 

those ideas that sound retarded,   

and now my attention is divided, 

cause thoughts of you just invaded, 

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Now, I might pour the last shot of this sour whiskey, 

a couple Ls on the rocks, I know you like me freaky. 

I might put on some jazz with a hint of Lou Reed, 

drink some more till I hear it sound like afrobeat, 

I might move my hips sideways to keep up the beat, 

do a few spins but still landing on my feet, 

I might sing and scream, feel your steam,

and live this dream of relying on my gullibility for your lies; 

a full life plying me with fame and notoriety with no ties.

Tonight baby, i might let you save me, but 

 the sun’ll freeze over before I tell you, I love you..

Why have you become so hesitant to open up lately? What is happening to your human need for a companion?

Why are you still building these walls of solidarity; still staging obstacles your ego cannot overcome.

When was the last time you accepted a truth; the last time you needed someone, more than your ego needed its alone time.

the last time, your vulnerability was tested, and you trusted a little more than you feared.

the last time you did not tip toe around your feelings; the same feelings you already put to rest, when you sedated your mind into that comfortable coma of loneliness.

When was really the last time you waited for their feelings to mature, with no expectations, no ultimatums, or a timeline you know will expire,

the last time you tried things differently? a time when your “I’m not sure"s didn’t mean “I want no more hurt” and I don’t cares became what you cared so much to lie about.

I ask. Your mind berates me.