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Grief is a terrible thing that some may claim to find beauty in. I haven’t been able to see the beauty yet, but hope to one day. All I’ve seen so far is sadness, disappointment, anger, loneliness, the list could go on and on. I feel sadness for the loss I experienced and memories I will not be able to create now. I feel disappointment when my support system isn’t there for me after countless pleas. I feel anger when thinking of how the loss occurred. I feel loneliness when I’m by myself or in a room full of people. All of these feelings are amplified and can start to take over my day or even my night. Every small problem feels like a bigger one just because I have all of these other feelings going on at once. This has lead to a lot of days where I don’t feel like doing anything or I go and do something and get home and feel like shit. Why did my days have to be taken over and when will I really be able to take them back?

Not everyday is a bad day, but my days are definitely different now than they were before. I’m different than I was before. That may be the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Not only did I lose one of my people, but I lost part of myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever get her back. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around, but it also seems so difficult for those around me to get. This has led to a loss in friendships which I’ve heard is common when experiencing a loss, but I never thought that would happen to my friendships. I would like to sit here and say that if one of my friends lost a part of themselves with the loss of a loved one that I would understand, but I’m not in that position so I really don’t know. All I know is that I lost someone I love, lost a part of myself, and have lost friendships that I thought would last forever. 

Everything in my life is always tied to how others see me. This is something I will be working on forever because it’s something so many are conditioned to worry about as they grow up. Of course I don’t want to be seen as a mean person!! But why can’t I stand up for myself and state my needs? Why can’t I decide to not have someone in my life when those needs aren’t met? 

Being there for yourself is UNCOMFORTABLE. It’s uncomfortable because you’re now having to set boundaries with those that will inevitably cross them. Then you have to deal with the outcome of them overstepping. Do you want the outcome to be something that continues to cater to them? Or do you want to stand firm with the boundary that was set in the first place? It’s a fine line. I personally have found myself catering to the other person more. This isn’t always for their benefit either. I see it as me catering to them so that they do not come back and retaliate in a way that would cause further problems for me. My therapist also questions why I do certain things in order to protect others. And I’ve always seen it as a way of protecting myself too. Now I’m starting to wonder if that’s why I’ve been so disappointed with how I’ve been treated before. By catering to others even if I think it’s beneficial for me, I’m not getting what I need. What I need is to feel supported. I need to feel appreciated. I need to feel understood even if the other person can’t truly understand. I need someone else to put in effort. 

I’m sitting her wondering what it’s like to not care about what others think. Not in the free spirit, kind hearted, loves everyone way; the way where no consideration is made for those that you say you care for. It’s hard for me to imagine myself ignoring what others have asked of me, especially when it’s something very small. Even more so, when it’s something to help them whether it be emotionally or mentally or even something as simple as dropping off soap to their house because they’re out and don’t feel like going to the store.

I mention this as someone who has started to recognize that the people she puts time and effort into are the people who are abusing that time and effort. It’s not reciprocated, it’s not recognized, it’s just expected at this point. And when I decided to stop putting my energy into someone that was always taking and never giving, I become the bad guy. They start to say that they always reach out and I never try when in reality that’s what they were doing to me for years. It only became a problem whenever I did it. So then I asked. I asked for that not to happen to me anymore. And you can guess what happened. 

Expectations inevitably lead to disappointment. You expect others to put in the same energy as you put out, you expect others to anticipate your needs, and you expect yourself to not be disappointed when someone doesn’t meet your needs. It’s time for me to practice letting go of expectations. I want to be the person that gives all her energy no matter if she is getting it back or not. Right now, I can’t be that person for anyone. I can’t simply because I am wrapping my head around years and years of disappointment that I refused to acknowledge before and would just provide excuses for. 

My birthday gift was a home decoration I may not even use, but what I got them was something I picked up on them wanting in a conversation months ago. That’s okay, I’m not disappointed I just pick up on some things that others may not.

I take initiative to ask questions during conversations while they are the ones answering. That’s alright, they have more to talk about than I do.

I remember when they have an important event and encourage them before. I get the “oh I forgot that was today, how did it go?” response. That’s no problem, they are just really busy right now.

Is it wrong to test those around you to evaluate how fulfilling the relationship is? I was thinking over how I interact with my friends one night and determined myself to be someone who sits back and listens more due to having friends who prefer to be in the spotlight. No big deal at all. What is a big deal is when I thought about how often I ask questions and prompt a conversation vs. how often I answer questions and am asked to engage in conversation. I couldn’t remember the last time someone asked me how my work day was or if anything interesting happened to me lately! So I took it upon myself to start an experiment. I would mirror the conversations I had. If they responded with a statement, so did I. If they asked a question, I would follow up with a question. Man, did the length of the conversations get cut down. Was I ever asked a question during this time? No. So how many other times has this been the case and I didn’t realize? You could say that my role within my friendships is to be the person who listens and supports and I would agree with that statement wholeheartedly. What I wouldn’t agree with is that someone has to settle for just being that person in any relationship. I can be the person who listens, but you must also be that person for me when I need it.