Albatross takes Flight! A Pearlapis Blog

So I have gotten some messages on here and Twitter as to why I left if I don’t do NSFW art for most of the time. Which is true, I barely if rarely do any. I actually deleted all the three/four art I made here that could have gotten this blog deleted. I don’t want it get deleted, but rather I want to keep it as an archive. Plus too a lot of my closet friends that were on Tumblr left because of the new policy, as well as I felt that Tumblr is not doing the job they need to do in order to make this a safer website. The real reason I left is the stupidity and hypocrisy that a lot of people are on this site.

I have debated about doing this post for reasons I will get to in a moment. But essentially the short, abridged version of this is this – if you are a professional artist don’t be a dick for the wrong reasons.

Long version of this – a while back in August I made a post about how I was blocked from a certain Steven Universe event that promoted a certain couple. I won’t address what it is, because apparently according to the mods it will “cause controversy in a small community”. This, said post was about how one of the mods block me from the event, and being confused as why I was blocked even in the first place. I will admit that whole situation could have been handled differently and I was not in a logical state of mind. What I should have done is simply made a post about how to contact or who was the mod of the event, instead of letting my emotions get the best of me. And for the record, I talked to the mods very diplomatically and I agreed to delete the post. As some of you guys recall I was angry at myself for stepping so low. To get upset about some internet event where I should be concern about other things. Eventually I did and proceeded to move on and focus on other things, like producing original art, exploring my identity and seeking professional help for my depression.

But then shortly after someone sended me this. I won’t say the name. I even block out the username, blog, and any mention of a certain event that promoted a certain couple.

I was pissed. I still am. But I did not want to address this because I wanted to be a better person in the situation. I did my part. But as weeks went on, this little aspect made me sick. On one hand it made me push myself to be a better artist, but on the other hand, everytime I posted my art, it made me feel insecure about my work. Not only are you calling a person who has been battling with depression some “weird boy”, but also got some of the facts wrong. And let me address this now:

First yes, I am a man, but I am also pansexual and I am very much a part of the LGBT community as with a lot of the fans of Steven Universe. To assume I am a heterosexual guy that draws lesbians as a fetish is something I find to be offensive. This leads me to my second, third and fourth points.

“Skeevy art” – “skeevy” as in the three/four NSFW art that I have done? I understand not everyone is comfortable with NSFW content and I respect that. And looking back at some of them, some I do regret ever drawing as even myself find it to be cringe. Most of the art is not NSFW, and shows the beauty, the tenderness and love between two people. Or did they meant “skeevy” as in my art is just not good? I will admit I am not as good as some of the others, but still why should my quality have any matter to it?

Do people really forget about the whole point about Steven Universe? The show is about tolerance, acceptance and love. Why does this fandom get so toxic at times? Why do some fans resent the idea that heterosexual and/or male fans can also enjoy it too? The show and the characters are not owned by anyone. I appreciate the fact we finally have strong, LGBT and/or female characters in a well written show, but to have fans say others cannot enjoy it is just as bad as some of the anti-SU comments.

When you or a friend say that a former follower and aspiring artist draws poor quality art… To me whether you like the person or not, there has to be a level of profession and kindness. You don’t know how that person would react. You don’t know how much that person looks up to your art as inspiration and uses that to make their own art. It is not about “oh I am the better person… and she is evil”. No. It is not that. What it is the follower/fan of the artist realizing just how little they care about their fans well being. You block them because you did not like the quality of the art you see. You block them because they were someone that was not in equals with you. No one is a “better person” and no one is “evil”. We are all human and we are all equal here. Yes it was foolish on my part to have some other artist made feel I cannot do draw my favorite characters is silly. But from my perspective the event was the only way I can showcase my art to others as I do not have quite the large following as so many others. I want people to enjoy my work as much as I want to see other’s. Leading to the fifth point now.

Just for clarity, if you want to know how much I “bother” the mod? I can recall them all.

2015 is when I found their work I did a bunch of ask-related stuff relating to the couple. Then I reblog/liked their work. Then started to be part of the event, and ask a few questions about what can be submitted. That was only the interaction I ever did with the person. Nothing personal, no chats, just SU-related couple head-cannons. Then I follow them on other platforms around the same time. Not after the block.

Then in 2016 I found out about the mod block. At first I thought it was a glitch as I tried to like/reblog their art and asked them if their blog was okay. Then I made a post on reddit about it once I realize what was happening. Again I will admit I should have not done that. But it was more of, “what can I do not piss off another person again” sort of thing. And then… That was it. I just did my thing for SU and was still allow to be part of this certain event… The other platforms I was not even blocked as well. Never made a stink of it until this year resulting in the the last post I made before deleting it.

2018 – So not including this one, I have only made two posts in a span of three years. Two. If I were to bother someone, don’t you think I should be doing it a lot more often? What is more is if you are gonna block the person, perhaps you should have blocked the person outright including the event when you first started it?

Now another mod had messaged me during the upset and said “Oh, it was an honest mistake! We did not mean to, but because of that we may not allow you because of the damage.” What rubbish. It was not a mistake. It was deliberate.

Lastly the hypocrisy. I quickly resolve this in a mature manner. I swallow my pride and continue to live. The fact the mod’s friends made a post about how much of a “bitch” I am and to all my followers (which some of which are also on good terms with the mod) is a “bitch”. To me that is not being a professional. I did my part to delete the post, and yet they have reblogged my post still and posted this. They did not mention my name, but as they said, “the community is so small” and people can put two and two together. To me it shows just how much of a clique you can be, and being judgemental for the wrong reason. AND YOU ARE SPREADING IT.

Yes, I am aware it has been a while but that does not change the fact they did not hold their bargain. They agree to end the quell before it got worse. So don’t tell me to “grow up” when your friend is calling me and my friends/followers a “bitch.”

I will probably regret writing this post, but you know what, I am not. I am seething.

I am angry now again, but for other reasons. I am angry I was denied because of my gender. I am angry because the mods and their friends did not hold up their bargain like we agreed on. I am angry I let them bully me into submission. I am angry because you judged my art on a few pieces you did not agree with. I am angry you made me self-loathe myself and almost quitting everything. The only thing I am happy is I was glad I was not part of that event. I do not want to be associated with such toxic people. Especially those who make up stuff. I want to be part of an event that is more welcoming.

I wish the artist the best and I do not encourage anyone to harass them. I am just disappointed. You are a big name artist and yet you had your friends come attack me? And the audacity to reblog their attacks against me? To me it looks like you are pulling off more of the “I am a better person and they are evil” stunt.

For Pearlapis Appreciation Day, I want to discuss about why I ship these characters. Before we get into the ship itself, I want to talk about why I have enjoyed these characters.

For starters there is Lapis. She is actually the reason I got into Steven Universe in the first place for those of you who don’t know. Not only did I really love her character design, there was something mysterious about her and a great atmosphere of heartache and tragedy. She is always caught in the action even if she is not asking for it, which is something I relate to a lot. I have found myself in situations where I wish I was not apart, but ultimately the universe always finds a way for me to get drag into. Whether it be tensions among friends or extinguishing fires between coworkers, I am always there. As Lapis got more episode time as the show went on, there were other aspects which really hits close to home to me. Being taken advantage of by people in relationships, having to deal with depression and not understanding why everyone is happy except me, even having those days where I just don’t want to do anything but sleep. In addition I let my emotions get the best of me and I have done some pretty impulsive decisions, some of which I regret ever doing. Yet to see Lapis come back to help protect Beach City with Steven and the others, to overcome her fears and depression, really made me happy, and gives me hope of overcoming mine too.

Pearl became another instant favorite of mine. I am a big nerd, often get too excitable over stuff that some people might be indifferent about. I was also the one friend of the group that is always cautious and often have to be the momma bird about stuff. Whether it is making sure all of my friends are together, always cooking food for people, doing chores, and just being there for my love ones. I am the kind of person that is ride or die for them. The biggest aspect about her that hits the most with me is her grief over Rose. I also lost someone very important to me, and they were a huge significance over my well being. With them I felt I was strong, always smiling no matter what life has thrown at me… Basically they were my everything and my happiness. To lose someone like that, someone so special and so significant made it really hard for me to grasp reality. It was hard for me to function, which to be honest, is not really healthy. Shoot, there were days where if I made a mistake, I would get into a moment of self loathing. That it is my fault that I messed up. Yet as Pearl evolves in a world without Rose, seeing that she does not need others to make her validated but herself only. In addition there will always be someone out there that loves you just the way you are. To me I feel if you find acceptance in yourself and know that you have friends and family out there to support you, to me that is a good first step of overcoming depression.

So why do I ship Pearlapis? The initial question to this post? Well in the beginning I started to ship them because they were my two favorite characters and there was a lot of elements of their lives that parallel each other. They complimented one and another. But given the previous two paragraphs that I have just described it is more apparent that the ship as a whole is something I can relate to as a person. Which sounds weird, but when digesting this it becomes that I share their moments of sadness and joy. This overwhelming theme of being stuck in the past, letting depression eating you alive, drowning in really dark places… Only to realize that the ones that are still with us, they are still there to catch us. That when you wake up, you know that they will love you for who you are and you are a good person.