Yep, I made a frutiger aero soft soap alien⌠đ§đ đ¤đŤ§đ§ź
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@waterann
Yep, I made a frutiger aero soft soap alien⌠đ§đ đ¤đŤ§đ§ź

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The Odyssey but retold as a low-stakes modern adventure of one guy out with his girlfriend leaving the bar with his buddies to do just one (1) simple thing real quick, it'll take like 15 minutes tops, he'll be right back, but then some bullshit happens and the trip keeps getting more complicated as more bullshit keeps happening while he just tries to get back to the bar because he promised his girlfriend that he'd get back and he knows that she's still there because she told him she'd wait there.
And by the time he finally gets back it's almost 3 am and the bar is about to close while she's sitting there stone cold sober, surrounded by 5 drunk guys unsuccessfully trying to convince her to give up on waiting for him and go home with one of them instead. And the guy shows up to proceed to beat the shit out of them before explaining himself to her like hey sorry bullshit kept happening, my phone fell into a storm drain and my wallet got stolen when I was trying to find someone who'd borrow me a phone so I could call and
His girlfriend had been fending off the 5 drunk guys for most of the evening by explaining that even if she was going to ditch her boyfriend, she can't possibly leave without finishing her beer, which she is keeping perpetually full via careful sleight of hand where she's just pouring it back and forth into and out of the pitcher.
However the drunk guys are also drinking, and eventually she can't afford to buy another pitcher for the table so she can't keep up the ever-full beer glass trick. At this point she has to resort to setting up the pool trick shot that she's never seen anyone but her boyfriend pull off, and says she'll leave with whoever manages the shot first.
That buys her another hour or so and then, finally, her boyfriend makes it back. He looks like shit, hair down and just a mess, he's wearing an entirely different jacket that he got from an alley, and barely recognizableâespecially to 5 guys who've been drunk for hours now. He lurks for a minute, finds out what's going on, and proceeds to pull off the trick shot first try. Throws the jacket off, fixes his hair with a hair tie his girlfriend lends him, finally looks like himself again, and THEN beats the shit out of them with the pool cue.
yuh i was there, that's how it happened
YOU STUPID FUCKING DICKHEAD!!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE THROUGH THE x10 GATE NOT THE x2!!!! YOU WON'T HAVE ENOUGH MEN!!! IT'S ALL FUCKED!!!!!!!!
mr sandman
man me a sand
Make it the cutest man car door hook hand
i cannot begin to explain the emotions i feel every day knowing that this post i made in the middle of playing tf2 when i was 16 is going to be the one thing of mine that has made the largest impact on the world by a fucking mile
@hellsite-hall-of-fame

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The hardcore way to eat ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat block of ramen 3. Drink boiled water 4. Snort flavored powder 5. Fuck bitches
you looking for this my friend?
why is there a gif for this
Let's just call 'em pickaxe duo
happy 20 year anniversary of Neil banging out the tunes!
though every rat is special, it's a wonderful and unusual thing for their accomplishments to be remembered and cherished by so many people so many years later. we're all so fortunate to know about the rat who banged out the tunes!
thank you to all the people who sent me reference photos of their beloved rats for this piece!!! credits under the cut!
spamton is his kakashi bookmark
insp below the break
Did you know thatâ hold on I'm getting a call.
Hello?
What?
Who died?
Well I'm not too upset by this but how?
...uh huh, uh huh...
Every single Power Ranger, you say?

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Happy Ides, everybody!
did i tell u guys i got into an argument on twitter bc i said foxes are dogs and someone tried to bring up their actual fuckin. classification or whatever and i just said âfoxes are dogs cause they are fluffyeâ and they kept arguing with me. the entire time i was like âyou will not survive the immigration to tumblr you are lucky we are not there right nowâ
This is especially funny because they arenât even right. Foxes *ARE* dogs.
No they arenât.
yes they are. because they are fluffye.
OK yes they are.
Different family, but same order as @pictures-of-dogs
No, they are the same family. They are the same kingdom, phylum, order and family. They separate at the genus.
Theyâre a dog.
yeah theyâre fluffye
theyre literally not dogs theyre not even fluffy. can we get science tumblr over hear or what!?
checkmate athiests
fluffye
okay but they literally are dogs, for those who are confused
If foxes are dogs, then so are wolves, coyotes, dingoes, jackals, and several other extant and extinct species.
Behold! A dog.
of course itâs a dog you buffoon. itâs fluffye.
Why on earth would someone think âBUT IF THEYâRE DOGS SO AR -â
Like yes of course wolves are dogs, where have you been. Jackals are excellent doggies! So are coyotes. Why is this confusing.
I love that this is literally two completely different arguments running simultaneously.
That guy up there who said theyâre not even fluffy was thinking of sharks
sharks are also dogs. ravenous water dogs, but still dogs
Sharks can NOT be dogs they are SMOOTH
Tags via @jenroses
sharks are smooth dogs
BEHOLD, a SHARK
17 clown car pileup 84 injured 193 dead
Headcanon that Luke and Obi Wan got the money to pay Han Solo by selling the moisture farm at bargain-basement prices in Anchorhead without telling anyone that it was totally torched, and by the time anyone find out they were well off planet. Luke now has a reputation as one of Tattooineâs most famous con men despite the fact that it was Obi Wan who ran the con.
#I donât know if you meant it this way but I totally interpreted this as them selling the farm multiple times to different people#luke: *wrestling over selling the wreck of the farm to someone he knows is a complete scumbag*#obi-wan: hello are you interested in buying a farm#complete scumbucket: *interested noises*#luke: Â wait didnât we already-? *gets zapped by R2* ow!#luke: oh#luke: ohhhh#luke: >:)
i havenât cared about star wars âcanonâ since i was 3 years old- I LOVE the idea that the reason Luke had to dramatically speeder in and out of Jabbaâs without hitting up any of his local connections is he is like, wanted by a bunch of scum in Mos Eisley. Can you- can you imagine Vader or whoever doing a recon in town on âthe last son of the Jedi who blew up the death star.â His close friends and family have all a) died b) moved off planet or c) both.Â
So the only reputation he has is âthat bastard con artist who banked 19 years of aw-shucks-wormie-ness and used it to outrageously fleece everyone whoâs almost anybody.â Vader reading the report likeâŚdamn you Kenobi did you get HONDO to raise my son??
Jabbaâs reaction to Lukeâs message is INFINITELY funnier if we consider the idea that âSkywalkerâ amongst the wretched local villainy (who mostly ignore imperial and rebel propaganda) is actually synonymous with TWO things - that brat who totally messed up the podrace bookies 25 years ago, and the infamous Anchorhead Con. Jabba gets this message about âJediâ and is like LOL i think the other Skywalker tried to pull some hotshit with that too before wimping out.
Everyone openly laughs like sure youâre a Jedi and Iâve got a bargain vaporator farm I want to sell you.Â
AND THEN HE WRECKS THE JOINT WITH A DEBT-RIDDEN HALF-BLIND SMUGGLER A RANDOM SLAVE GIRL ONE GUARD AND TWO BEAT UP DROIDS WHAAAT
Iâm imagining some random palace guard telling Vader this, afterwards.
âSo this fuckingâSKYWALKER, dude, have you ever heard the name Skywalker? You know what it means? A FUCKING ASSHOLE, thatâs what it means. Like. The first one was bad enough, this little shit named Anakin who was fuckinâ NINE YEARS OLD and he just WON THE FUCKING BOONTA EVE PODRACE and set SIXTEEN bookies out of business and if I ever meet him Iâm gonna set him on fire for itâ
âAnd then this new one, Luke? Fuckinâ nobody, raised by his aunt and uncle out in the Wastes, little aw-shucks hick farm kid, the kind you could give him a five-credit piece and a ten-credit piece and he keeps taking the fiver because itâs BIGGER, that kind of simple, and then he comes into Mos Eisley one afternoon and sells his aunt and uncleâs moisture farm, right, Iâve been out there a few times, several of us have, and itâs a nice place as far as moisture farms go, mildly profitable, and the kid is fucking happy to get like two-thirds its value, so he sells the farm, right? TO NINETEEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE! Do you have any idea how much Jabbaâs finance people had to do to get that sorted out? Nineteen fucking mortgages on ONE fucking property, puts every real estate con Jabba the Huttâs entire CLAN ever pulled and we were on the WRONG SIDE OF IT! We had every pirate and smuggler from here to Corellia laughing at us! And THEN! And THENâ!
âSo he pops up via hologram message acting like a DIPLOMAT from the REPUBLIC, claiming a title and rank from an extinct, defunct, ILLEGAL order and wanting to bargain with Jabbaâare you fucking kidding me, BARGAIN WITH JABBA for a smuggler whoâs up to his ass in debt when heâs responsible for that farm scheme, acting like he doesnât even fucking REMEMBER it and expects that Jabbaâs forgotten it too. Like. Absolute fucking idiot, and anticipating that Jabbaâs just as stupid. And he offers a pair of droids as a gift. Like, built-in-the-Republic-era, random-ass droids that he probably picked up from the Jawas that morning for a few hundred credits and a junked âvaporator.
âI mean, Jabbaâs seething here, but hey, free droids is free droids. Whatever. He takes the droids, throws things, orders a fight to the death between two gamblers who owed him money, killed one of his dancers at some point ⌠and then Boushh shows up with fucking Chewbacca in chainsâheâs Soloâs first mate, so Jabba was all happy about that, but not happy enough to pay the full bountyâand whatâs Boushh do? Pull some gonads out from somewhere after all these years, and also pull out a fucking THERMAL DETONATOR! Going to blow us all to fuck if he doesnât get his measley fifty thousand, and, well, thereâs no arguing with crazy like that.Â
âSo now, if youâre keeping score, Jabbaâs lost an absolute SHITLOAD of money and had his bookmaking industry fucked all to hell for like three years after the stunt from Skywalker the First, got screwed out of ANOTHER shitload of money in the farm scam by Skywalker the Sequel, got all but called an idiot to his face and insulted six times over by the same dude whoâs apparently scammed so many people heâs forgotten who he has and hasnât scammed, and got threatened out of fifty thousand credits by a second-tier bounty hunter IN FRONT OF HIS ENTIRE COURT.
âAnd then the next morning, what the fuck? Jabbaâs favorite sculpture is gone, the one with Solo as its main ingredient that Boba Fett brought him. And Boushh is gone. And Jabbaâs got a brand-new dancer chained up next to him. Night duty guy tells me Boushh unfroze Solo, and the new dancer girl IS Boushh, which, okay, youâre dealing with people like that and you look like that? You definitely need a helmet, but I feel like pretending she didnât breathe oxygen was overkill. Anyway, then Skywalker shows up. All alone, no weapons, nothing, like he really believes in this Jedi shit. Arrogant little bastard, and weâre all laying bets on how Jabbaâs going to kill him.
âSo he talks a little, and fwoop! goes the trapdoor, and okay, everybody who bet on âRancorâ is doing a little happy dance, but then! BUT THEN! He fucking KILLS THE RANCOR! Drops its own cage door on its head and punches right through its skull! Andâfucking NOBODY bet on that, which is a damn shame because everybody else wouldâve just torn the winner apart out of sheer rage at that point and we coulda used some good bloodshed then, yâknow? I mean, I dunno if youâve ever met Jabba the Hutt, but heâs the kind of boss thatâll just go off and kill you for failing him or just because heâs angry at something. Just complete fucking asshole. I mean, he was pissed enough that everybody was worried for their safety, and so somebody dying messily right then wouldâve calmed him down a bit.
âSo Jabbaâs big mad, and he gathers Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca all together and says heâs gonna feed them to the Sarlacc, which is a nasty tentacled carnivorous plant out in the desert, so we all board the sail barge and have a nice little pleasure cruiseâhave you ever been to Tattoine? Iâm fuckinâ kidding, itâs brutal. But hey, we get to see Skywalker executed, right? Wrong.
âJabba offers them the chance to beg for their lives, and Solo calls him a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, which, I mean, I could do better, yâknow? If Iâm about to die? Anyway, Skywalker goes up first, gets prodded to the edge, flips a salute off to who-knows-where, and does this little twist in midair, catches the fucking plank, and fucking SPRINGBOARDS himself back onboard, CATCHES HIS LIGHTSABER FROM MIDAIR where the one DROID shot it to him, and starts sending guards over the side, usually in pieces.
âSo more guards rush forward to help, and thereâs this huge fight, and fuckinâ BOBA FETT falls in, and while thatâs going on? The fucking dancing girl has grabbed her chain and is FUCKING STRANGLING JABBA WITH IT! Like, I look over and heâs bucking and struggling and sheâs pulling on that chain like anything, and then somebody hits me over the head with a bottle of Corellian brandy, and by the time I look again heâs pitched over dead! And nobody freaking bet on that!
âAnd then? Off they fucking go, Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca and the dancing girl and the droids and one of the guards who I played sabacc with the other night and he owes me twenty credits! And that fucking Skywalker just cost me my job, and if I see him again Iâm going to burn him to cinders myself!â
The man subsides, eyeing the gigantic ebony figure in front of him who, except for a couple of momentary starts as though he might say something, has been silently listening to him all this time.
Size-wise, Darth Vader has nothing on Jabba the Hutt, but somehow, he is scarier.
Finally, the dark form speaks. âYou said you could do better.â A momentâs silence, and he clarifies. âIf you were about to die.â He gets the impression that whatever monster lurks behind the helmet is smiling. âYou are about to die now. Because you are a criminal, and because of what you have said about my son, Luke Skywalker. You have an opportunity to do better. Use it.â
The so-condemned criminal, late of Jabbaâs palace guard, lets his jaw hang open unflatteringly for a moment while his brain catches up with events. HIS SON, which means âŚÂ Â
âYOUâRE Anakin Skywalkerâs HUSBAND?â
The steady, hissing rhythm of Darth Vaderâs rebreather actually stops dead as the Dark Lord straightens up as if stabbed with an electroprod.
In the instant before the manâs brains, blood, and spinal fluid coat the far wall, he has the momentary satisfaction of having, indeed, done much better than Solo.
i feel like i boarded a ride thinking it was one of those âboat slowly past the animatronic charactersâ deals but it was actually space mountain
Reblogging this gem because it is unfeasibly funny and deserves to do the rounds again
i did try keeping a diary for awhile but one-time I looked at an entry and it was just "IDONTWANTTOBEALONEANYMORE" written over and over again like a fucking horror movie and the entry right before was like "I made soupe today yay!" so I am like the worst diary keeper ever
baby nautilus if you even care
yummmm
NOOOOOO
Yummmmmmmmmmmmm.

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tumblr i swear to God one more shapes.inc ad and Iâm gonna do something drastic
anatomy of a humiliation