Wash the Writer (like, my name is Wash)

You couldn't sleep, the night was relatively still and the moon wasn't as bright as it was during the previous nights, but you found yourself unable to rest soundly. You tried desperately in vain but still found yourself restless and with no sleep in sight, you decided that maybe a late night bike ride around Hawkins might tire you out. You donned some casual clothing including a light jacket and your beat up hi-tops as you crept from your bedroom on the second floor of your house, down the stairs and pass the front door. You were cautious enough to not wake your parents as you treaded lightly through the still house and out to your freshly trimmed lawn, grabbing your bike from your front yard and beginning your ride through the streets of Hawkins.

Hawkins was a quiet, unassuming town that found itself the victim of tragedy over the past couple of years, a young woman named Barbara Holland was poisoned by a toxic chemical leak from the lab, a mall fire occurred killing 30 people including Hawkins' former sheriff, Jim Hopper, and a young boy named Will Byers was believed to have drowned only to be found alive in the woods sometime later. These thoughts weren't random, in your mind you recalled a recent event, a young woman named Chrissy Cunningham and a young man named Fred Benson were found murdered in horrifically brutal fashion; police suspect a young man named Eddie Munson may have been responsible for these murders, your mind ruminated on these thoughts as you looked over to your right hand side and saw it.

You saw the charred remains of the Starcourt Mall coming closer and closer into view as you veered towards it and placed your bike on an aged bike rack, you looked over the facade as it was covered in ash, soot and various forms of graffiti. Your mind felt like it was in a weird trance-like state as you barely registered the sound of a car pulling in and screeching to a halt in a parking lot near the main entrance. "What the hell are you doing here?" A stern, masculine voice barked. Your trance was broken and your head snapped to the source of the voice, there stood a stern, bewildered Steve Harrington.

You and Steve weren't close friends by any means, if anything you were merely a regular customer of Family Video where Steve worked and you kept a friendly rapport with him. "Di-- did you follow me here?" You questioned. His eyes widened in shock at your response. "Yeah, I saw you on the road and thought I'd check in. Dude, I don't think it's smart to be out with all the shit happening at the moment!" Steve warned.

"Shit, sorry, I just… I had trouble getting to sleep and I thought I'd take a ride to clear my mind." You explained. Steve brushed a hand through his hair and gave a slightly irritated exhale. "C'mon! I know a way in." Steve relented. You raised an eyebrow at him, he just lectured you on how dangerous it was to be outside at night and now he's suddenly fine with it? "Look, if you can't sleep and exploring creepy places helps with that then you might as well have some company." Steve explained. You gestured for him to show the way as he took the lead and led you around to the back of the mall where the roof access door was, it took a bit of effort from Steve but he managed to get the door open as he turned back to you and balled his hand into a fist as he talked into an imaginary microphone. "Welcome to Hawkins' Night Tours, I'll be your tour guide for this evening. Tonight I'll be showing you through the remnants of the Starcourt Mall!" He greeted in an exaggerated, cheery tone. You rolled your eyes and hid a growing smile behind a hand before you responded.

"You're a dork!" You commented. "Please save all questions and comments for the end of the tour, now if you'll follow me!" Steve continued in his tour guide voice. You followed him up to the roof, scanning your surroundings as you ascended. You weren't sure why you felt the need to look around, but you had a sense that maybe you and Steve weren't all alone at the derelict mall as you felt a small chill run down the length of your spine. From the roof, Steve guided you towards the stairwell and you both climbed down towards the second level of the mall, you took a moment to look over the entirety of the former shopping centre before you. Some part of you felt saddened that you weren't able to experience the Starcourt in its prime, but you were also glad that you and your family weren't here when the fire occurred and that you all moved to Hawkins well and truly after the fire claimed the monolithic building. You looked up and saw that a large portion of the windowed ceiling was completely gone, the cold air from outside seeping into the mall and providing a persistent chill as you continued taking in the sights.

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"This way, please!" Steve directed, guiding you towards a broken down, corroded escalator as you continued down towards the main atrium of the mall. A sense of melancholy filled you again, imagining the vibrancy and liveliness that must've filled this place at some point, Steve waltzed ahead as you continued taking in your surroundings, wondering what Starcourt looked like prior to the dust, ash and soot that claims it now. You snapped out of your wistful thinking and looked over to where Steve was standing as you lightly jogged over to him. "And for our next stop, we have Scoops Ahoy!" Steve beamed. You inspected the entry way to an ash covered ice cream parlour situated between an equally ash covered 'Lovelace' and 'The Gap' stores with its neon sign just barely hanging on over the top of the entrance.

"So what caused the fire?" You asked. "Hmm?" Steve grumbled, puzzled at your question. "The fire… I heard that that's what happened to the Starcourt, but I never heard about what caused it." You elaborated, your curiosity amplified by Steve's unbothered response. Steve leaned against a scorched beam as he looked down towards his now scuffed sneakers before he looked back to you. "It wasn't a fire, not entirely. Look, Hawkins is not your typical small town." Steve relayed. You narrowed your eyes at him, confused by his words and you began to call everything you knew about your small town home into question; Steve could see your confusion and went on to elaborate on everything that happened in Hawkins so far.

Steve reframed Will's disappearance as him being trapped in an alternate dimension, Barb actually being abducted and killed by a horrific creature and even how Starcourt was a shell corporation for something more nefarious… more sinister. You sat in an aged, soot covered booth as you took all of this in and you'd admit that it was a lot to take in and even incredibly outlandish to even consider rationally, but something about the way Steve talked about these events without any hint of his usual confident, easy-going demeanour made you pause and consider his words more intently than if he delivered it like it was a casual conversation between you two. "And that's everything so far." Steve concluded.

"You honestly don't expect me to buy all of that, do you?" You challenged, shooting up from the booth and heading towards the exit. "No, not without proof at least." Steve responded. You stopped dead in your tracks, pausing as your hands stretched and balled into fists before settling into a natural state, your shoulders tensing up and easing, and a deep breath entering and exiting your body. You turned back towards Steve as he produced a flashlight from his pocket to continue his tour of the remnants of the mall. "This is the part of the tour where things get a little strange!" Steve warned in his tour guide voice. "Ok, if you're gonna show me proof of government conspiracies, can we drop the tour guide act?" You asked. "Aww, you're no fun!" Steve complained. You scoffed at his response, how was he so blasé about the whole ordeal regarding alternate dimensions, flesh monsters and government cover-ups? You began to question if you really were safe with Steve… but then again, if he wanted to hurt you then why would he go through with this elaborate story?

He led you to a backroom with a table, chairs and a broken whiteboard on the floor, you gripped onto the board and turned it over, the writing was smudged but you could make out Russian letters written in a red marker. "Robin was able to decode secret Soviet messages using Henderson's fancy radio. Cerebro, I think he called it." Steve clarified, your finger gliding over the dried, red marker. "I hear a lot about how Robin and Dustin decoded the message, I'm just wondering where you…" You began. You paused to consider your next words, you didn't want to be rude in asking how Steve factored into all this but it sounded like Dustin and Robin did most of the heavy lifting when it came to the Starcourt conspiracy. Your eyes focused on Steve as he leaned against the doorframe between the breakroom and the rear hallway, your eyes narrowing and your lips still contorted into the shape of the word 'you'.

"…how I factor into all this?" Steve asked, his voice nonchalant and detached. "Yeah…" You responded, your face twisting slightly in awkwardness. You didn't wanna insult Steve's intelligence because while he wasn't traditional in his thinking, he still exuded intelligence in unconventional ways and you admired that about him from what little you saw of it at the video store. "I figured out that the code was coming from here." Steve responded casually. "Wait, you figured out that Starcourt transmitted the code? How?" You quizzed. "Oh, easy. The Indiana Flyer!" Steve beamed like it meant something.

You simply shot him a confused look as you were still crouched with the whiteboard in your hands. "The horse ride nearby Scoops." Steve elaborated, almost like he was quizzing you. Those words meant nothing to you. "You figured out the code from a horsey ride near the ice cream parlour called the Indiana Flyer?" You questioned, your voice intonated in order to emphasise each word just to make sure that every word of what you said was correct. "Yeah, I heard music in the code transmission that matched the music from the ride and that's how we figured out that the transmission was coming from here!" Steve explained. You just gave a small chuckle at his response, only Steve would be able to focus on a small detail like that and somehow decipher the location of a secret Soviet broadcast.

"So there's Russian writing on a whiteboard and music from a horsey ride, this is hardly proof." You doubted, gently placing the whiteboard down. "Just, work with me, it makes the bigger stuff easier to deal with." Steve defended, his voice carrying through the room as he strode down the rear hallway. "Hey, wait!" You called from the doorframe of Scoops Ahoy's breakroom into the back hallway that led towards the loading bay.

You began sprinting down the hallway after Steve eventually catching up with him at one of the doors that led out to the loading bay, from there you saw the large, metallic door that led into the back room for Imperial Panda. "So we're going back outside now?" You quizzed, your voice flat and unconvinced. "Just trust me, alright?" Steve said. Steve led you over to the loading bay doors, he was straining himself as he tried to lift the door as part of it caught at a strange angle, you instinctually assisted Steve in levelling out the door so it was unstuck from its angle and rolled upwards with ease.

"Believe it or not, getting down here was more complicated the first time around. Lucas' sister, Erica, had to get involved… we needed someone who could fit into the vents." Steve explained. "I'm sorry, the vents?" You gasped. "C'mon, it's just in here!" Steve encouraged. You followed him inside to an unassuming storage room filled with nearly empty shelves and empty, rotted boxes that gave the room a strange, disgusting aroma. You covered your nose as Steve looked for something on the wall, you looked over to him intently as he fiddled with the panel. He clicked a button and the entire room shook and shifted before moving downwards with a loud screeching sound echoing throughout the room. "I thought this Russian base was high tech!" You shouted, the large screech nearly drowning out your words as you and Steve clutched onto your ears, blocking out the enduring, high pitched noise that filled the room… elevator… whatever. "High tech-ish! This place has been abandoned for nearly a year!" Steve shouted back.

The screeching eventually stopped as the long, arduous elevator ride finally ended and Steve opened the doors to the facility he alluded to. The long hallway stretched out before you, despite time passing and the facility looking more aged than you imagined, you could tell that this facility with its cold steel and exposed pipe system was as high tech as Steve described it. "Now, if you'll continue to follow me, we now find ourselves in the Hawkins secret Soviet lab." Steve stated in his tour guide voice. "I thought we nixed the tour guide voice!" You reminded, your arms crossed and voice now slightly irritated. "And I vetoed that decision, you need more whimsy!" Steve retorted, poking a finger on your crossed arms when he emphasised the 'you' in his comment.

You two continued down the hallway as Steve pointed out some interesting areas of the facility, including an interrogation room where he and Robin were drugged by a truth serum, a storage area with odd hexagonal pillars protruding from a raised platform, and a communications room; the tour reached its final location, the large control room with exploded metal and broken glass decorating the now decimated control panels. However, the oddest thing about this room was that it was overlooking a wall with a large, irregular tear singed onto the concrete.

"What the hell is that?" You questioned, your voice echoing throughout the room. Steve looked to where you were focused on and noticed the tear you found. "That was a gate to the Upside Down, the Russians had a machine that fired some big laser at the wall to expand the gate. Our former chief of police, Hopper, he sacrificed himself to close the gate." Steve explained. You sat with his words as you sauntered to the edge of the control room and looked at the tear, the tear being revealed as a closed portal to an alternate dimension!

It was enough to make your head spin, in one night everything you knew about Hawkins was turned on its head and the truth behind it all was revealed. You grabbed a nearby seat and sat down, overlooking the wall where the gate was. Steve followed suit and took a seat next to you, you rested your head in your hands, trying hard to compute the sudden influx of information but it felt like your brain was burning and melting down from the sheer amount of things to consider. "And that concludes our tour for this evening." Steve concluded, his voice no longer held that eccentric tour guide cadence. Rather his voice felt more solemn, more serious than before, you raised your head to look at him as he looked wistfully at the spot where the gate was.

"So why here? Why a small town in Indiana of all places?" You quizzed. Steve focused his gaze back towards you, his big hazel eyes focusing on you while your mind felt like it was a house set ablaze and crumbling down from the amount of information given to you all at once. "Hopper and Mrs. Byers captured a Russian scientist, the scientist told them that they tried to open a gate in Russia but they couldn't. So they figured, why not come to the one place that did open a gate." Steve answered. He noticed how you sat in the chair, your head resting in his hands as your eyes were bugging out in sheer shock.

"This a lot to take in?" Steve queried. "Well, yeah…" You remarked, lifting your head to focus on the man sitting beside you. Steve gave a small, amused chuckle as he sat back in his chair. "This coming from the guy who loves his sci-fi and horror?" Steve chuckled. "Yeah, because as the name implies its fiction! It's not real!" You replied, your demeanour matching his lighter tone. "Look, I get it. I barely believe it myself and I went through it." Steve comforted, his tone shifting to a small, understanding tone. He stood up, walked over to your seat and extended a hand. "C'mon, I think we explored enough ruins for one night. I can drive you back home if you want." Steve offered. You took his hand and failed to brace yourself as Steve yanked you to your feet, causing a small gasp to escape from you as you crashed into Steve's body.

Your arms instinctually wrapped around him as he clutched you in his, Steve's warm hazel eyes looked back at you intently with an affable gaze. Both of your arms coiled tighter around each other, he was so close that you swore his warmth was radiating onto you, your lips were almost close enough to touch when you heard the familiar screech of the elevator whirring down the hall. You both froze and looked towards the hall, dreading what came next. "We should leave!" You suggested, your voice shaky and filled with dread. "Yeah, yeah I think you're right." Steve agreed.

You uncoiled yourself from Steve and took the lead down the hall, the screech acting as a guide for you as you both sprinted down the oppressive steel hallways. It was around halfway through this journey that you heard the elevator doors open and could hear the distinctive sounds of boots hitting the ground and the shuffling of military fatigues. You and Steve paused when you heard the footsteps and how they moved in rapid, efficient movements, in a split second you scanned the hall and found a room to your right hand side.

You gripped Steve's hand and pulled him with you, you both entered the small storage room with the grated flooring platform in the middle of the room and the hexagonal pillars. Any port in a storm will do! You thought, guiding Steve and yourself up to the platform and into the vent, sliding the grate back over the floor above you. The vents were dark, the only source of light being the main hall lights peaking their way through the gaps in the door and even then that was an already limited source of light. You and Steve laid chest to chest, the space so cramped that you couldn't not touch each other. Your heart was hammering so hard that you thought that Steve would be able to feel it as you tried to control your breathing from the sudden jolt of fear that was instilled in you by the sudden arrival of someone else.

"You're trembling!" Steve commented, his voice a whisper. "Sorry!" You responded, your voice small and rueful. You could hear those efficient strides enter your proximity and then stop just above the vents that you and Steve were hiding in, you gripped tightly onto Steve's shoulders, fear threatened to grip you once again. Steve reciprocated by wrapping his arms around your waist and holding you closer, you could feel his heart hammering as well. You felt comfort in knowing you weren't alone in your fear, even someone who faced eldritch horrors beyond comprehension still felt fear from military forces. "All clear here, status on the control room?" The soldier said. "Control room clear, gate remains closed." Another soldier reported, his voice small and tinny, must be from the soldier's radio.

"Roger! The Colonel is not gonna like that someone slipped our sensors and disappeared." The first soldier lamented. "Nothing much we can do, all we can do is keep searching for that girl. If it's all clear, return to the surface. Looks like there's no one else here." The second soldier assured. The girl? He must be talking about El! You thought. Steve definitely mentioned El, short for Eleven, and raved about her psychokinetic abilities, therefore your mind was able to put two and two together when it came to the soldiers' mission. The footsteps continued, receding away from the storage room, the jolt of fear and anticipation drained any sort of energy from you as your eyes began to feel heavy and your vision began blurring and vignetting until suddenly your eyes were closed and you fell into a slumber.

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You weren't sure how long you were asleep for, not until the strobes of amber light swept past you and you could feel that your body was not laid flat, but rather contorted into a seated position. Your eyes adjusted and you found yourself in a car, an immaculately kept BMW sedan, the stretch of asphalt extending well beyond your sight as the overgrowth of trees bordered around you with their imposing height. Street lights sweeping around you, casting amber light around the car for brief moments before disappearing. "Hey, you're finally awake!" Steve beamed.

You looked over and saw Steve in the driver's seat, eyes caught between you and the road. "How long was I out?" You asked, your voice rasping barely above a whisper. "About a half an hour or so, I had to make sure no military men were still around and then I had to drag you to the car." Steve explained. You looked towards the floor of the car, your cheeks singing with embarrassment. "Oh, sorry, I guess it all got to me and zapped my energy." You apologised.

"So it's Lampkin Lane, right? Your house?" Steve asked. "Yeah, last house on the left." You answered. The familiar sight of your residential area came into view, a string of various two-storey houses buzzed past you and Steve as he pulled onto your street and cruised along until you both made it back to your house.

"Hey, um, thank you… for tonight." You said, your voice still rasping from your sleep. "It's no problem, I know it’s a lot to take in and being surprised by troops didn't help. But I'd hate to think what would've happened if I wasn't there." Steve responded. You also wanted to ask Steve about that odd moment you two shared in the control room or why he'd entrust you with everything that happened in Hawkins, but these were questions you'd have to save for another time. It was late, dark and you were feeling exhausted from all the excitement of tonight, so you unloaded your bike from the trunk and started to make your way into your house.

You ran your finger along the underside of a wing, the pristine, cold steel running smoothly beneath the glide of your fingers as you glanced in awe upon the sight before you. A brand new quinjet sat in the hangar of the tower, the jet was in immaculate condition as if it appeared to have just been built today. "Beautiful, isn't she?" A voice asked, a professional, younger, feminine voice. "Yeah, Ms. De Fontaine spared no expense in restoring the quinjet." You commented, still flabbergasted by the sheer beauty of the jet before you turned towards the source of the voice, Mel Gold. "Well, Valentina is aware of how important a quinjet is in dispatching her New Avengers with efficiency, so she sees it as a necessary expense. Why don't you take a look inside, make sure it's all to your liking." Mel spoke. "Will do!" You beamed excitedly.

Mel left the hangar, the clack of her heels echoing throughout the hangar as she exited, leaving you to inspect the inside of the quinjet. You entered the rear of the aircraft and looked over the passenger seating area, your mind flashing back to when you and John were locked in the quinjet. "I think we should talk." John said. Your mind recalling the moment you and him were forced to sit down and talk about what occurred on the same beach where you were forced to execute your dying wingman, it all felt like another lifetime ago. In the month since you ended things with John, you were requested to take some stress leave and that enabled you to decompress from the high stress of the crash landing and the fallout you and John had in the elevator following the mission. In that time, you felt only regret for how you handled the situation and were of two minds on how to proceed… was it better to leave it alone and continue on as nothing more than a colleague to John? Or was it better to try and mend your relationship with him by laying the entire truth on him?

You brushed these thoughts off as you went further up the interior and took a seat at the pilot's chair, you brushed your fingers over the console, breezing over the various buttons and dials needed to control the quinjet. It was almost as it was, except something was missing; the photo you had of John that rested on your console as your good luck charm wasn't there and it wasn't on you when you stormed out of the tower after ending things with John, maybe it fell out onto the New York streets or maybe it fell out in the elevator and John threw it away. Either possibility felt like a dagger to the heart, and you didn’t wish to ponder on what possibility was likely.

"Look, Bucky, I don't wanna talk about it." You grumbled. "What?" John asked. "Um, sorry, I thought you were Bucky." You mumbled. Another memory echoing in your mind, you could remember the way you swivelled the chair upon hearing John's voice and seeing him standing there in civilian gear. Suddenly a whistle rang through the quinjet from the rear hatch, you swivelled around to see Yelena admiring the jet. You stood up and strolled over to her. "She's quite a beauty, isn't she?" Yelena marvelled, scanning the pristine quinjet in all its glory. "I swear I need to put a bell on y'all or something, you seem to sneak up on me whenever I'm in the hangar." You jested.

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind." Yelena replied. "Ok, so what brings you here?" You asked, leaning against the rear door. "Well, I thought I'd come to tell you how much I appreciate your work and how amazing of a pilot you are and--" Yelena began, you could see that her flattery was simply a front for something else and decided to cut to the chase. "And you need a favour." You stated. "Did I mention how absolutely smart you are as well?" Yelena bantered. "Ok, spill it Belova, what do you need?" You inquired. "Well, Christmas is coming up in a few days and we have a flight for St. Petersburg leaving tonight. Alexei and I were wondering if we can get a lift to JFK International, pretty please?" Yelena asked, appearing as cloying as possible. "Not a lift to St. Petersburg?" You joked. Yelena dropped her sucking up act and returned to her normal state. "Wait you can do that?" She questioned. You rolled your eyes and gave a small chuckle at how fast she switched from sickeningly sweet to her usual, placid self. "I'll see if I can clear a landing at JFK." You conceded. "Yes! Thank you! There's also a teensy tiny bonus favour on top of that favour." Yelena added, scrunching her face as she added her statement.

"What is it?" You questioned. "See, Walker has a flight leaving tonight for a wedding in Georgia and I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much trouble if he hitched a ride with us to the airport?" Yelena wondered. Her last favour made you pause, on the one hand, you did wanna clear the air with John but on the other hand, you weren't sure if you could face him after what happened between you two about a month ago. You bit the inner side of your right cheek and your eyes broke focus from Yelena towards something in the far right distance, considering your conflicting thoughts before facing Yelena again, seeing her hands placed in front of her in a prayer and mouthing 'please'. "Since you asked nicely, sure, John can come along." You conceded. "Yes!! You're the best!" Yelena yelled as she rushed towards the elevator. "I know!" You shouted from the jet's rear hatch.

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It was some time later, around late afternoon or early evening when Alexei, John and Yelena came down to the hangar with their bags. "The jet looks beautiful, like a phoenix rising from the flame!" Alexei beamed. You gave a small chuckle while loading Alexei's and Yelena's bags. "I thought so too, she's a real beauty!" You concurred with Alexei's sentiments. You couldn't help but be amused by Alexei's boastful and prideful nature, Yelena was more restrained as she audibly groaned at Alexei's comments. "Please try your best to ignore him." Yelena bemoaned. "I'll try my best." You responded. John was next up and your heart almost stopped when you saw him, his hair and beard was trimmed to appear wedding ready, this presented a problem as your carefully planned out discussion you wanted to have with him was being overwritten by thoughts of 'Fuck, he's so hot!'

"Uh, um, I uh… Hi." You stuttered, fumbling with John's bag straps as he handed his luggage. "Are you alright, flight lieutenant?" John challenged, his voice was tight and cold. "Uh, yeah, I'm alright. I'll just go load this up, please take your seat." You responded, trying hard to put on a professional facade. You turned towards Yelena who was wincing pretty hard at that exchange. "That was rough!" Yelena commented in a whispered tone. "Pray for me!" You whined in that same whispered tone, walking past Yelena towards the control room where John took his seat next to yours. You flicked the necessary switches to initiate take-off and contacted the tower at JFK to request permission to land, giving them your quinjet's name of 'Thunderbolt II'.

"Thunderbolt II?" John asked. "Its bad luck for a ship to leave port without a name, that tradition extends to jets as well." You explained. John huffed a small, amused breath, almost like he wanted to start a chuckle but he cut himself off before it got that far. "Right, I forgot all flyboys are superstitious!" John bemoaned, rolling his eyes. "Only the really good ones." You bantered. John reached for something in his coat pocket and placed whatever he had in his hand on an empty spot on your console, you glanced over and shot him a questioning look. John moved his hand away and you saw what it was that he placed on the console, when you saw it you tried your best to disguise your shock but ultimately failed… it was the photo of John that went missing after your argument with him. You looked closely at the picture, analysing how immaculately it was kept, you tried to say something but it was as if all the air in your body just ceased to exist; John could see you taking this in and the failure to express what you were feeling as your mouth tried and failed to forms words.

"I just hate seeing anything go to waste." John stated. His voice was the grounding force that you needed as your eyes darted from the picture over to him and then over to Yelena, she picked up on this and signalled for Alexei to block out his hearing. "You saved it." You commented, it wasn't said as a question but rather a re-enforcement of what you just saw. "Yeah, I did. I knew it meant a lot to you." John explained. The path was cleared as you took off towards the airport, it probably wasn't enough time to clarify everything, so you simply explained what you could given the short timeframe.

"That day when I ended things, it was because The Void got into my head. He showed me something… something awful." You explained, your eyes facing forward as you flew towards the airport. "Why didn't you say anything?" John asked. "Enjoy him while you can, he won't be around once he learns the truth." The Void stated. The words rang through your mind like an echo, those fourteen words repeating over and over again in your head to the point where it all faded into white noise. The constant thoughts clouding your mind caused you to grip tighter onto the flight controls and your breathing to become shallower as tears began to pool in your eyes.

John caught on and placed a hand on yours, the simple touch was enough to de-escalate your mounting anxiety and reground you. "Hey, it's alright. I'm… I'm glad you told me. I know that Void visions can be horrifying to go through, given what you've experienced it can't have been easy." John comforted. It was definitely an understatement given how vivid the vision was, not just of the incident but also with Void John's attitude towards you prior to the Void showing up to twist the knife some more. You pushed these thoughts aside as you could see the expanse of asphalt unfold in front of you as the airport started coming into view, you wanted to respond to John but you also needed to clarify landing with the tower. "JFK, this is Thunderbolt II, requesting clearance to land." You relayed. "Roger, Thunderbolt II, please proceed to landing bay four." The control tower responded.

You managed to land the quinjet smoothly as Yelena and Alexei gathered their bags before disembarking, John stayed behind as you finished your landing procedures. "There's so much more I wanna say, but I'm not gonna have time before you take off for Georgia." You conceded. You left your pilot's seat to help John gather his bags, as you handed it to him your hands brushed against each other and a sudden jolt of some indescribable energy ran through you both. "I understand. Once I get back, we'll have plenty of time to talk about it." John concurred, placing a small kiss on your cheek as he left the quinjet. You stood there, frozen and slightly swooning from that small, intimate act from John; it signalled to you that there was still some hope for you and John.

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You sat alone in the kitchen of the New Avengers penthouse, pouring yourself a glass of whiskey you had purchased on your way back from JFK International. You felt deflated after your last interaction with John, you watched as he boarded his shuttle and zoomed off towards the main terminal while you returned Thunderbolt II to the tower. It felt like you were so close to reconciling with John only to have it ripped away so quickly. All you could do was wait until he returned, hope he was ready to talk things through and hope that he didn't move on after all this time; these thoughts plagued you as you took a swig of your drink which provided both a soothing and burning sensation to go down your throat.

The sound of a high pitched ding rang throughout the penthouse of the New Avengers tower followed by the sound of the elevator doors opening. You stood up from the worn leather bound stool and waltzed over to the source of the sound and what you saw next caused you to pause, your eyes widened and all air had escaped from your body as you were frozen on the spot. There in front of you and just stepping off the elevator was John! "What? But, I… what?" You stammered. You stood in disbelief, your half-drunk mind working overtime to compute what was taking place before your eyes. "I couldn't do it." John stated as he stepped closer towards you in calm but purposeful strides. "Couldn't do what?" You questioned. "I couldn't leave without fixing this!" John declared, dropping his bags in the hallway. He made his way to you, gripped your cheeks tightly as his mouth crashed into yours and by god did you miss how John's mouth felt on yours! You missed the warmth of his mouth on yours, you missed the distinct aromas of his aftershave and something that was simply just 'him' and you even missed the tickle his beard gave you whenever your lips met; you missed it all and you could tell he missed your lips as well as the kiss was more fervent, sloppier, but filled with so much longing and yearning that you didn't mind how sloppy it was. The kiss left you utterly breathless when you broke apart from what felt like an eternity of pure ecstasy, your vision took a little while to refocus back on John and the loving look he gave you.

"I missed you!" John confessed. Your heart skipped a beat in that moment, the three words ringing throughout your mind and drowning out any doubt instilled by the Void, he missed you and that was all you needed to hear in that moment. "I missed you too!" You responded, your voice wavering slightly. "Can we talk?" John queried. You didn't respond, you gave a sniffle to help stop any impending tears from falling and gave a small nod. You both settled in at the kitchen counter as a thick tension hung in the air, the silence only lasted a moment however you felt that it lasted a lifetime as you searched for the words to say. "That day on the beach, my wingman didn't die when he hit the canopy, but he was bleeding heavily when I got to him." You began, the silent tension still hanging in the air as your words felt like they almost echoed throughout the room. "I tried to get help when I got him back to the shore, but no help came and I couldn't stop the bleeding." You continued, your voice cracking as you could feel your eyes becoming more and more bloodshot. "So I took my sidearm and I…" You began. John placed a hand on yours, you both looked into each other's eyes and that physical touch was enough to reground you again and save you from falling into despair.

"I understand, living with that guilt is never easy. But why couldn't you tell me?" John asked. "Brass covered up the truth and buried it with the quote unquote official story." You explained. "That's not what I meant." John clarified. A moment of silence befell you, you tried to get the words out but they were fighting to stay within. John's simple reassurance and the intimate atmosphere created by you two in the kitchen helped to ease your mind. "Because of the Void, he said 'enjoy him while you can, he won't be around when he learns the truth.' And that's what terrified me!" You confessed, your voice quieting down to a near whisper.

"Did it terrify you enough to end things rather than go through the pain of me potentially breaking your heart?" John speculated, his voice holding genuine curiosity. John held no judgement or resentment, he simply heard you out as you navigated these emotions you held, you affirmed his speculation by giving a simple nod. "So what changed?" He questioned. "The stress leave I took after the crash helped put things into perspective and I knew that what I did was rash. That moment at the airport made me realise something." You answered. "It made me realise that you never looked at me like I was a screw up. You looked at me like I was nothing short of amazing and it made me count my blessings because every mistake I made led me to you!" You spoke, a tear began streaming down your face. John continued to listen, his eyes softened upon hearing you speak so openly for the first time in a month. "John, I need you! I need you more than I needed anything in my life and if you feel that you can't do this then I won't stop you, but I want you to know that I never wanted to end things. I just thought it would be better than any alternative I could think of." You professed, hanging your head in shame as tears fell from your eyes. John spoke no words, he walked from his side of the counter over to yours as he stood you up and held you close, his shirt becoming stained by your tears as he just kept you wrapped in his arms.

Booming bursts of enemy gunfire exploded around you as you manipulated the quninjet in small, erratic movements to avoid taking any damage. The cries of the alarm and the flashing red lights filled the interior and overwhelmed you as you tried in sheer desperation to escape the gunfire, but alas, it wasn't enough as the ping of a bullet pierced through the hull of the jet. You turned back towards the passenger bay where Bob Reynolds sat against one of the walls, dressed in tactical gear and on the opposite side was the team's tech specialist who was brought on the mission to take readings on Bob's re-emerging Sentry abilities.

Next to the tech specialist was where you saw it, a small hole expanding larger and larger as air started to seep outwards from it, tearing more and more metal from it. You braced yourself and readied your oxygen mask as the creaking of the metal got louder and louder, almost drowning out the sounds of the booming gunfire until suddenly the hull gave way. The tech specialist was able to free himself from the seat but tripped over as the fuselage was ripped violently from the frame of the jet, the entirety of the craft now became harder to control all while you could hear Bob and the tech specialist behind you.

"You need to let me go!" the tech specialist declared. You took back control of the quinjet enough to take evasive manoeuvres as it began skimming the surface of the ocean's water. "It'll be ok! I promise!" He continued, his tone was oddly calm given the extreme situation. "I can't-- I can't do that!!" Bob wailed. "I can't let the Void take you over!" The tech specialist shouted back. The Void? Had things gone so badly that the Void threatened to take Bob over again? You thought, this thought distracted you enough to feel the rough vibrations of the ocean below you as you pulled back on your controls to raise the altitude. "I lo-- I'll find you!! I promise!!" Bob decreed. “I know you will!” The tech specialist responded.

You looked back and saw that Bob was all alone, tears streaming down his face and looking down at his open hand. "Bob!" You called out, your voice muffled by your oxygen mask. "I can't keep this thing airborne for long, I need you up here at the co-pilot's seat!" You commanded. "We need to go back!" Bob shouted. "We will, we'll save him! But I can't do that now! Grab my hand!" You responded. Bob didn't like it, but he complied and grabbed your hand. The air provided an immense amount of resistance as you tried to pull Bob back into the cabin of the quinjet, however through sheer determination you managed to succeed and Bob buckled himself into the co-pilot's seat.

"Watchtower! This is Thunderbolt One! We sustained heavy damage, fuselage is completely compromised! Making an emergency landing in Coney Island! Requesting immediate evac!" You shouted into the radio. The gunfire finally ceased as you held the quinjet in the air for as long as possible, however as more and more of the jet started to fall off, the less and less confident you felt in getting the quinjet back to New York. All hope seemed lost and you readied for the quinjet to collide with the ocean; however in that moment you were able to make out the shoreline of Coney Island's beach in your eye line and you felt that determination re-ignite within you as the quinjet became more and more unstable in the air, you began your descent towards the shoreline and braced yourself for impact.

"Brace yourself, this is gonna be a rough one!" You warned. Bob grabbed onto your arm and you felt your vision go a bit hazy, the world around you started desaturating and turning black and suddenly, you were no longer in a crashing quinjet, but rather a familiar shoreline. "Stay with me!" You shouted, your voice thick with a frantic panic as your blood-soaked hands dragged the hefty, damp body of your wingman behind you as the wave crashed into you both.

You continued dragging the body until you barely made it to shore and your hands slipped from the damp flight suit, a string of incoherent mumblings emanating from the limp body in front of you. The man was barely conscious, barely clinging to life as you frantically wrapped your hands on the wound to try and stop the bleeding. "HELP!! SOMEONE HELP!!" You shouted, your voice ripping through the crashing of the waves and reverberating in the air. The mumbling continued as blood continued to drip onto your hands with no signs of ceasing.

"MEDIC!!!" You yelled desperately in the direction of the air base you found yourself near. "Sa... lem..." You heard the man below you whisper. You leaned in, keeping your hands on the source of the gushing blood to try and keep the man alive. "Hey! Hey! You're gonna be alright! You're gonna be alright!" You fretted, trying to convince yourself more than convince your fellow pilot. Your wingman look unconvinced and he looked pale, like he was slipping further and further away from you. You could feel the heat from your eyes climbing higher and higher as tears began streaming down your face, with very little options left, you grabbed your sidearm from your ankle holster and pointed it towards his head with your sights trained between his eyes.

Your arm quaked as your grip tightened around the cold steel of the handle, you looked down towards the dying man as his face displayed an eerie calmness, an almost peaceful acceptance of what had to happen next. Your hand became still as you regained composure and squeezed the trigger, the sound of the gun tearing through the sound of the beach as smoke arose from the muzzle of the gun. Your steady arm finally gave way and your body slumped and crumbled onto the coarse sands of the beach. It felt like you were on that beach alone for an eternity, letting the full gravity of the situation take hold of you.

"What have you done?" A voice questioned. Still hunched near the body of your wingman, you looked up, tears completely coated your face, your breaths were shallow and frequent and your hands were still soaked in blood. Through your glazed vision you saw him, John Walker, standing before you, his stance was stiff and defensive and his face displayed pure shock and terror upon seeing you. "John, I had no choice." You bawled. Your legs felt flimsy as you forced yourself to stand and move towards John, you needed any form of comfort in that moment even if it wasn't really him. "Stay back!" John barked, taking a step backwards. "John... please..." You begged. You could see John backing further and further away from you, the water rising up his uniform from his boots up to his knee armour, you tried to get closer and even dropped the still smoking pistol. "I can't do this anymore." John lamented, letting the crashing waves of the ocean engulf him. "John! The waves!" You warned, a hand launching from your body as you tried to reach for him.

His body disappeared as quickly as the wave crashed and reformed in the ocean, your hand still outstretched and damp from the stray water and sea foam of the crashing wave. You shivered, moving the hand back towards your chest to try and keep your heart together as John's final words struck it. You thought that maybe you could stop your heart from shattering when you heard those five words uttered from John's mouth, the look of horror moulded onto his face as if he saw a monster instead of you. Your legs gave way once again as your body crashed into the ocean, letting the roaring waves crash and wash over you. "That was quite a show." Another voice taunted. The voice was deep, calm and emotionless, the world paused at that moment and all saturation from the world disappeared as a darkly silhouetted figure stood before you. "Stand." He instructed. You obeyed as your eyes scanned up the body of this figure, seeing a form fitting suit displaying an athletic body, a flowing cape, equally flowing long hair and two small white irises looking back towards you... the Void.

"Get out!" You growled, your voice stern and defiant in the face of the Void. "Do you think he'll react the same way once he actually learns the truth?" The Void challenged. He went too far, hitting your heart directly as another flow of tears streamed from your already burning eyes. "Leave him out of this!" You commanded. Your fists now firmly formed from your hands. "And get out of my head!" You reiterated, your voice maintaining its defiance against the Void's probing. "Enjoy him while you can, he won't be around once he learns the truth." The Void stated. There was no malice in his voice, only a voice that expressed his thoughts as a factual statement. The Void disappeared into the darkness, he was completely content to let your mind linger in the dark momentarily before you returned to the waking world.

You awoke to the distinct scent of fuel, smoke and blood overwhelming your sense of smell as you could hear fires burning all around you, the quinjet you were piloting was now a shambled mess of metal, glass and wiring. Glass was shattered from the windows, wiring repelled from all over the cockpit and the entire jet was absolutely destroyed from the impact of your crash landing. You checked yourself for injuries and outside of a bloody nose, bruises along your body and a cut along your forehead, you were healthy enough to move. Once you got your bearings, you retrieved the photo from your dashboard, a candid photo of John in the training room where he barely managed to get a smile out before you took the photo. The next thing to do was to check the seat next to you where Bob was strapped to his seat, he was unconscious and in slightly worse shape than you with streams of blood pouring from various points of his body onto his tactical suit.

It took some time, but you exited from the wreckage of the quinjet with a radio transponder as you sat on the sands of Coney Island with Bob’s unconscious body laid down beside you. "Watchtower, this is Thunderbolt One. We made landfall on Coney Island, Bob is unconscious, requesting evac and med team. Transmitting co-ordinates now." You relayed through the radio, still reeling from the crash and from what happened upon making landfall. In almost no time an OXE helicopter arrived to take both you and Bob back to the New Avengers tower for medical treatment.

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You were seated in a cold, clinical, stark white room with the medical professional and also with Mel Gold, Valentina's personal assistant, to check on you regarding Bob's status as this was his first field mission. "Ok, so I think I got as much information as possible to satisfy Val and her little Sentry 2.0 project. The readings from the tech specialist are incomplete however, so I'll have to fill the gaps on that one." Mel recounted. "But we're going to save the tech guy, right? Bob's quite close with him and Bob would be distraught if we don't help him." You challenged.

Mel looked up from her clipboard and the notes she was concentrating on, while she tried to maintain a professional demeanour, her face betrayed that demeanour as a melancholic look was displayed. "There's a storm situating at the point where the tech specialist was lost, we can't risk the resources to retrieve him until the storm clears. I'm sorry, but my hands are tied." Mel clarified, her voice heavy with empathy. You didn't like hearing that and you feared for the tech specialist as you were well aware of how bad the storms can be, you looked back towards Mel and it looked like she had more to ask.

"We saw that there was an anomaly with Bob as well, did you experience anything out there?" Mel asked. Your eyes shifted away from Mel, the room now filled with an uncomfortable silence and that silence gave Mel the answer she needed. "Something did happen, I saw something from my past and then I saw it..." You relented, taking a heavy breath as your mind relived the vision you had earlier, your eyes turning red and puffy from the mere thought of the Void's words. "...the Void, he was taunting me with this memory." You concluded, Mel wrote down your words on her clipboard. You didn't like throwing Bob under the bus this way, however you couldn't shake what the Void had said to you. You couldn't shake the dread of seeing John again after his appearance in the vision as well as hearing the Void's words, you couldn't shake the anxiety of what would happen if he found out the true nature behind your wingman's death.

"Ok, I think I got all I need. Is he alright?" Mel asked the doctor. "Just minor wounds and some bruised ribs, I'd say take some time to avoid anything strenuous, take these and focus on deep breathing." The doctor diagnosed, handing some ibuprofen to help relieve the pain. "You heard the doc, flight lieutenant. Go home and get some rest." Mel stated. You gave a gentle nod and exited the med-bay, and that was when you came face to face with the last person you wanted to see. John leant against the wall adjacent to the med-bay door in his training gear, he immediately shot up from his relaxed state when he saw you exit and walked with you towards the elevator.

"Hey! How'd it go?" John asked, upping his pace to keep up with your strides, normally you'd have no trouble answering John but this time was different. You were worried that any word you said would open the flood gates and that he'd learn the truth, you continued walking towards the elevator in silence. "Did something happen?" John queried, his voice now showing concern. "Don't." Was all you could muster up, you could see the elevator door getting closer and closer to you as you prepared to press the button to summon it; however, John was slightly faster and managed to step between you and the elevator door, his breath was heavy and his steely blue eyes looked towards you with his brows furrowed in frustration.

"Can you just talk to me?" John provoked. You pressed the button and summoned the elevator, it arrived in a lightning fast pace as you could hear the loud ding and the sliding of the doors. "I can't... talk about it." You lamented, your eyes turning red with sorrow and your stern demeanour crumbling piece by piece. "Can you please move?" You requested. John wasn't happy about it, but he relented and let you pass him to enter the elevator and press the button for the ground floor. He stood in front of the door, you could tell that he wasn't gonna let this go and you could also see his concentration displayed on his face and body, furrowed brows turning from frustration into contemplation.

In a flash, he crossed the threshold and joined you in the elevator, you remained stone-faced but closed your eyes and took a deep disgruntled breath. The cramped space of the elevator served to heighten the incredibly thick tension that hung in the air between you and John as the elevator descended from the medical floor all the way down to the main reception area, your eyes remained facing forward while you could feel John's eyes look towards you.

"You're not gonna let this go, are you?" You inquired, your voice flat and deadpan. "Nope! And you're gonna avoid my question?" John retorted, mirroring the tone of your voice. "Yup!" You replied. The two of you went back to that uncomfortable silence, you didn't want to deflect and avoid John but at the same time you still couldn't shake what the Void had said; those final, cutting words still haunted you and how he said it with absolute certainty, as if there was no room for doubt or a way to refute those words. You knew deep down that it was leading to one inevitability, one conclusion; you didn't want to do what you did next, but you still couldn't shake the fear you had and you thought that this was the best conclusion for everyone. The best way for John to avoid finding out that the person he was dating took a life in cold blood.

"I don't think I can do this anymore, Walker." You declared. John huffed a small laugh, it sounded hollow, devoid of jubilance and amusement. "Wow, Walker? I'm back to being Walker now?" John challenged, he tried to hide it behind an aggravated mask but you could see the sorrow behind his eyes as he turned to look towards you. "I'm sorry." Was all you could say, your throat going tight and dry as you tried to choke the words out. "Its fine, it was just casual, right?" John asserted, his voice switching from rising vexation towards a cold, professional tone. "Right..." You affirmed. "... just casual." You choked.

The elevator reached the reception hall, the door barely opened before you rushed out from the cramped space towards the spacious reception hall of the New Avengers tower, you never dared to look back as you could feel the tears well in your eyes after what you said. Despite the words you said to John, you didn't want to end things with him. It was quite the opposite, for a while you could feel yourself getting closer and closer to saying a particular set of three words to John, three words that held the power to change your entire relationship from casual towards something deeper or something worse if he didn't reciprocate those feelings. You wanted deep down to say 'I love you' to John, but with the feeling of guilt towards what happened with your wingman and the terror instilled by the Void, you couldn't even begin to think about those words. You exited the tower onto the cold, unwelcoming New York streets as rain started trickling down onto you as you moved further and further away from the tower, down towards the subway and back towards your apartment.  

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Sometime later, you stepped past the threshold from the hallway into your apartment, leaving your keys near the front door in a small wooden bowl as you untied your boots and left them opposite the counter top where the keys bowl sat. The apartment was dark as the dreary grey New York sky seeped into the cold, subdued apartment adorned with dark grey paint and black carpeting in your surroundings. You crossed your lounge/kitchen area towards your bathroom with your ibuprofen and antibiotic ointment for the cuts you sustained during the crash. You were now standing in the mirror, facing your reflection as you could see how weary, how bruised and how cut up you were after the crash landing. You applied the ointment to the cuts on your face as you ran the faucet to wash your hands of excess ointment.