grey

i'm a highly masking person and have a hard time saying no to people, so i often find myself agreeing to go for a walk with someone or just spend time with them in discord, etc. sometimes it might feel alright at the beginning, i might even believe that i'm handling our conversation perfectly and enjoying it, but after a few minutes i start dissociating (it can be a dpdr thing though) and analyzing every word that comes from my and their mouths. everything begins to feel forced and artificial. when i finally manage to say goodbye and return home/rest in my bed, that's when i catch myself not being my self. it feels like half of my mind and body, if not all of it, belongs to that person, as if they're the one controlling it. my feelings and thoughts also seemingly come from their minds, not mine, though i fully understand that it is impossible and those are still mine. i need a few days alone to come to my senses and to start feeling like me again. until then, i feel absolutely, horribly lost, not at home, still stuck in that conversation, exposed, even if i didn't share anything personal

my coworker recently told me "it's normal for your bedroom to not have a door lock".

to which I looked at him with abject horror.