I’m so sad tonight. Last year was the worst year of my life and life continues to get worse. And I don’t know why but I can’t stop reflecting on the fuck ups and hardships I’ve had to go through. I kept waiting for it to get better and it never did. It still hasn’t. I don’t know how or why I’m still alive. No one knows the struggles I have had to face and the amount of pain I carry around with me. Everyday I’m reminded that I suck.
I hate myself. It’s one thing to say it but it’s another to actually feel it. I feel it with every ounce of my being. I’m so disgusted by everything that has to do with me. Not just physically. I hate myself from the way I look to the way I think to the way I act. Just everything. I’ve always struggled with self esteem issues but it’s never been this bad before. There isn’t one thing I can say I like about myself and that makes me really sad. It’s a reason I question why I’m still here or why I stick around. Sometimes it’s not enough to have the support of your friends and family. Because when you hate yourself this much, nothing else matters. I FUCKING HATE myself. And it fucking hurts.
I want to wake up one morning and I want to be okay. But I feel like it’s too long of not being okay for me to ever be alright again. I can’t remember what genuine happiness feels like. At this point I’d be okay with never waking up again.
I have moments where I feel something else that’s not this misery. Like when I’m at a concert seeing my favourite bands. In that moment I’m able to disassociate from all my problems and just let go - for a moment. And before I know it I’m right back here. Curled up in bed, with tears in my eyes, questioning the point or purpose of continuing on with my existence. I’m trying to stick around to see it get better but at this point I’m convinced it’s not.
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