Unraveled: Absurdly Comprehensive Game Lore Starters (pt.1)
Solving The Zelda Timeline in 15 Minutes:
“He does this thing and then he goes sailing and then he crashes and has a dream and then dies in the ocean.”
“And then it’s another existential crisis.”
“What comes after that? That’s right it’s darkness, baby!”
“___, we have to start over.”
“Tingle is, um, the perfect evolution of humanity.”
“I’m not gonna explain how it connects just yet, because I’ll do that later.”
“This whole goddamn suit is so tight, I feel like a Christmas ham.”
“Got nothing better to do, might as well go have fun, and you know what, I respect that.”
“I swear to god if I get one “well actually…” comment.”
“TAKE FUCKING NOTES. I JUST SAVED YOUR ASS WITH MONOPOLY.”
“Don’t ask me to do this again.”
I Read All 337 Books in Skyrim So You Don’t Have To:
“ History’s so BORING. UGHHHH.”
“ I don’t give two shits about a king who lost a war 700 years ago.”
“Who doesn’t love a little erotic lizard fiction?”
“I straight up chortled. That’s what I did.”
“I BORE THIS BURDEN! FOR YOU!”
“ HOW DARE YOU JETTISON MY GIFT!”
Ranking all 200+ Mega Man Robots:
“I do not feel at all qualified to discuss the philosophical implications of that.”
“Humans are real squishy, really, when you think about it.”
“I’m digging myself in a hole.”
“We’ve done some shit to bees y’all.”
“Why the FUCK is he a top?”
“Don’t let me suck more than I can handle.”
“Just hire a 16 year old. Like, they need the job.”
“Here’s a big rule of thumb: magicians are always evil.”
“Technically not murder. Definitely bad.”
I wasted 3 weeks of my life finding Castlevania’s hottest monster:
“So I went out to grab some lunch, but it start to rain, so I ate a chicken sandwich drenched.”
“I am going to throw myself into the sea.”
“Why are vampires always the hot monster? Isn’t it someone else’s turn?”
“Anything unique can be sexy. Look at Benedict Cumberbatch.”
“I don’t want to know what that mouth do.”
“You should be wary of anyone who builds their personality around swords.”
“I don’t need anymore reason to be afraid of looking at myself in the mirror.”
“They say eye contact is important, but maybe not this much.”
“Jerry Seinfeld taught me that through love all things are possible.”
“I just think we need to start thinking of New Jersey in general as sexier.”
“He might kill you, but, he also might open up and be really lovely.”
“When I was a kid, my mom thought that I had a nutritional deficit because I kept wanting to eat mushrooms so much, like I ate only mushrooms for like a whole week.”
“What is more sexy than feeding someone with a lovely fried dish?”
Smash Bros. owes millions of dollars in OSHA violations:
“Look at this polar bear!He has no fuckin’ clue what’s going on!”
“Not everyone can double jump.”
“I need to know where Donkey Kong pees.”
“Put your toys away, honey!”
“I don’t care how good you are at surfing, _____.”
“ Violation.Violation.VIOLATION.VIOLATION!”
“I couldn’t give a shit about death.”
Scientifically calculating the game of the year:
“Anything that I say is just a drop in the ocean of discourse. No one wants to hear my opinion. WHICH IS WHY I AM NOT EXPRESSING AN OPINION.I AM STATING A FACT.”
“They called me a fool! But do I look like a fool to you?”
“Would you say you are a math expert?”
“I tell you what, this is a lot of research into things that really have very little meaning.“
“And if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do my dark bidding on these spreadsheets.”
“Come on in, hope you’re not as big of an asshole as the past few of your friends!”
Every sonic game is blasphemous:
“PLEASE DON’T SHOW THAT TO ME ANYMORE.”
“What are the ramifications of a Sonic the Hedgehog game based on the bible?”
“Before you get upset with me, saying,”_, aren’t you just starting a cult?“ Look at this question answered by Cutegirlcorr: “Technically speaking, religions and cults are the same thing.”
“EITHER SONIC IS A GOD OR COULD KILL GOD AND I DO NOT CARE IF THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!”
“Biblical literalism is just an early form of fandom.”
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