"Shit... did I leave the stove on?"
"No, no, no, THAT I ain't."
"I had another Liam Neeson nightmare."
"You know, they made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent."
"I'm gonna wait out here, okay?"
"Fake laughter. Hiding real pain."
"I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s."
"Yeah, technically, this is murder."
"This shit's gonna have nuts in it."
"You're a lovely lady/man, but I'm saving myself for ____."
"That's why I brought him/her."
"Do you like what you see?"
"Your face is the stuff of nightmares."
"Like a testicle with teeth."
"You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado."
"So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?"
"Think of it like spring cleaning."
"Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness."
"Finish fucking her the fuck up."
"I'd go with you, but... I don't want to."
"If your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?"
"I'd say that you sound like an infomercial. But not a good one, like Slap Chop, more Shake Weight-y."
"Do you want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II."
"Listen ___, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much."
"Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?"
"I don't have time for your goody two-shoes bullshit right now!"
"Why such a douche this morning?"
"Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up."
"Today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo."
"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!"
"That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long."
"You're really gonna fuck this up for me?"
"You've got something in your teeth."
"Do you have an off switch?"
"We have everything we need now."
"I swear to God, I will find you in the next life and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window."
"Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?"
"That was not mean! I'm proud of you!"
"I'm gonna need all the guns."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Seltzer water and lemon for blood."
"It reeks like old lady pants in here."
"Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time."
"Four or five moments. That's all it takes to become a hero."