JEG

Idle movement It’s where I find my heart

Not still Not moving No particular course

In a binding, mutilated, distortion

This is where they meet

My heart My mind

My mind beating my heart

I’m back I’m here Tell it to me

It’s not too late It’s not all gone

I’m back I’m here Tell it to me

The sky never looked brighter With clouds covering every inch

The trees never looked livelier Showing every branch Completely bare

Bones never felt so strong With aches in every move

Eyes never felt so open Seeing all the darkness in the light

Lonely never felt such comfort With just spirit in the air

I’ve been struggling each day Unable to find my purpose I’ve been devoting myself To Ignoring my own screams

There’s this space in my heart Where I think I actually belong I have too many naive wishes But not nearly enough dreams

I’ve gotten lost in the pages I thought just days But they’ve actually been chapters

I’m so confused and alone Committing myself to no such things as Happily ever afters

The hardest part was not living in it Enduring the motions Day after day

The hardest part was not realizing what was going on Or the moment when the only options were clear It was not when I felt the physical pain Or saw the evil in all the sights

The hardest part was not making the only move I could think of The only one that would keep me alive

No, none of that was hard

The hardest part is now Looking back and trying to figure out why Putting the pieces of my life together and living everyday with a giant question mark hanging over me

The hardest part is comprehending that it is possible that I may never ever be loved the way I truly deserve to be

The hardest part is remembering flashes of moments And wondering why I was the one in them The hardest part is carrying it Spilling white lies to cover it

The hardest part is trying to figure out how to let it go

I love the way you take me Without permission or promise Without force or power

My back rests against your chest under the heavy covers I feel safe enclosed in our naked world

The soft heat of your breath on the nape of my neck Burying kisses along my shoulder

One hand tangled in my hair that’s sprawled across the pillow The other heavy and desperate resting on my hip

Too entranced to fall asleep You only fall helpless to self-control Gently pulling me into you So I can feel your yearning

Sliding one hand from hip down to heat Inviting to share the crave The other moves to smooth my hair from the pillow Just for a lead to my breast

Tenderly tracing my nipples Until they are fixed firmly with vigor You inhale and exhale and stop

And you turn me over

Driven by weakness and pleading Without permission or promise Without force or power

And you just take me

I’m lying here With my temple pressed to the cold hard tile Tears are drying here

I can see the blood seeping around me I can taste it and smell it And I’m lying here

One arm is twisted under me I’m not sure of the other I’m cold and I’m lying here

You’ve struck a hole in my head But I’m only conscious of my heart You’ve left me dying here Just lying here

He loves me He loves me not

I’ve plucked the stem And the root And I’ve shattered the pot

I loved him He loved me not

I’m so thankful oh so thankful

The left side of my body Is longer than the right I have this mole on my forehead That I think is an embarrassing sight

I have a slight bunion on my foot And pains in my shoulder The lines on my face show that I’m only getting older

I have some cushion across the middle And little stretch marks on my thighs With a change in the weather only one nostril dries

My nails are not painted and My cuticles need nipped My hair is straight but stays curly No product ever tames the unruly

Do you know why I know this and why would I be thankful? It’s because I have sight and I hear sound And Everyday my feet touch the ground

My brain processes feelings And my heart pumps blood through my veins I get to see beautiful in what some see as stains

I have family that loves me And the warmth shelter brings I’m thankful oh so thankful that these are the things