Waffles waffle

I hate how people denounce me

They denounce my existence

And erase my love

Which really pains me because I even do it to myself at times

I wish they could understand

I wish there was a different word beyond friends that means what I want it to mean

The English language isn't vast enough truly

There isn't an English word to describe what I want

Using cop out words doesn't give it enough respect and emotion

The emotions that I have felt for years are so strong they go beyond friendship

They're stronger

They're deeper

They're so very connected and emotional

Every time I dwell on how I've felt about people in this way in the past-

Its so special

It all drags me to the point of tears

My dreams remaining dreams and fantasies

I want the world to stop for me beyond my memories

I want to show my truest feelings to this person and they just get it 100% without complications

I wanna tell them I love them and fuckin mean it for once in my God damn life

I want to say those words without damning myself in sin and lies every time I say them just for social approval

I just want to keep talking till our tongues run dry and we do anything and everything together

I want to feel everything with this person

I want to explore with this person

I want to dance with this person

I want to cry with this person

And to think most people can not conceptualize all of these emotions and feelings without sex and romance

I just want a life partner

Hopefully even have kids with

Ill never feel as young as I do until I'm near you

I think i miss it because I seek feeling young again

To be young is to not feel sexualized

Even though im in the most sexualized position one could be

I think i feel happy to be percived as extremely youthful because its basically someone treating me how I want to feel inside

Even as my age ticks by

I want to be taken care of

I want to be considered

I want to be someone's favorite

I want to be someone's addiction as they are to me

Its all so frustrating

All the time I find myself wishing I could never be older than middle school early high-school years

Or at least any year before sex was an option that apparently had to be expored

Sometimes even kissing

I wish i could be so young it would never been seen as weird when we kiss

And I think thats the allure to grooming

Technically its weird if we do anything further which is why i keep my person on a strict leash

We never go to far and if it starts getting too far I cut it off

It feels similar to being in love as a kid

We cant go any further than this in public and in private

I also feel like i learn a lot which lowk fulfills my daddy issues lmao

I feel so young when he teaches me stuff that I would truly never know about

Or when he tells me advice id never hear from a peer

Or to be cared about when it comes to my eating habits when he keeps water and cut fruit he cuts in the morning which almost feels like he cuts it for me

I also love the feeling of not feeling like im mentally the oldest (even though I am still mentally older than most adults I will ever meet in my entire life)

Its a break to take off that cap and be dumb and ditsy a little

Lower my mental capabilities and be childishly curious

I get to seem "mature" just like I was told when I was a kid

Its as if I completely revert to the most childlike version of me with no worries and carefree curiosity

Its too bad the second I leave, im back in reality

The disgust and shame returns

Because

I know I shell out extra money each week to spend 30 minutes more with him

I know this is all highly inappropriate

I know I should have never texted him outside of this

I know we should have never gone out on that date

And I know exactly what it means when he looks at me and calls me his nickname I've been gifted and I wear with honor

As the years go on and I sit with the fact that I have been coerced and or raped more times than I can count and or remember along with having been groomed 3 times

I think about how I felt often

The biggest thing I felt was

I just became a statistic

I could become pregnant from 10 minutes of pure pain and agony

I lost

Not only my virginity, but also my body

My body became claimed by him

I am now just a body

A body count more specificly

Every time we meet

He will ask

He will demand

He will guilt trip

He wil act desperate as if I am doing him the biggest disservice in life

My body is no longer mine

I have lost my autonomy

I have lost my comfortability to simply exist

I have become a thing

A good time

I have been reduced to sex

I am only what I can give in service to him and he doesn’t care about what it takes

Whatever he wants he will get it

I have become nothing to myself but the vessel for my soul and spirit

But to the world

I am no longer a virgin

To the world

I am his

My body and soul are his

Intertwined forever and ever

To some I will be known first as "his girlfriend"

I dont even get a name anymore let alone loosing my own name

"Oh thats just his girlfriend"

And people ask me where he is because it feels like its expected for me to be in care of his affairs and where he is

Whatever he says politically, emotionally, or anything else becomes a reflection of me

Teachers and students would hold me accountable for his actions like I was his mom and it was my job to straighten him out like it was my fault I didnt "learn him up"

It would be the most frustrating and embarrassing thing to be continuously under scrutiny for his sexual and romantic nature towards others and people judging me for my choices in choosing him as if im not alreadying judging myself heavily every second of every day

I have become an extension of him

I am

His girlfriend

I have lost my name

My body

My spirit

My title

My story of myself

All for what

To say I wasn't a virgin anymore?

To try and not be aroace?

To defy what I already know myself to be?

It felt terrible

Like the worst mischaracterization ever

It felt like I knew who I was but didn't all at the same time, and the person who people were perceiving me as now was not something I wanted to be known for

I never felt like I lost more until I got raped

That fact that a guy will be so selfish to take a part of someone and not even care about them as a person

You see me as a woman

But never a person that is also a women

And you continue to flaunt me even now to people that dont even know me

Well, now they do in a way

But they dont know me,

I was talking with a friend recently

We used to be suicidal

Now its just me

He says he found something to live for and thats helping others

Lucky duck

Sometimes, I wonder...

Is it so bad to live in defiance of suicidallity?

Every day I live to chase the dopamine coursing though my brain because if I get that hit I feel less suicidal and more willing to live

When I was a kid that my main mentality was that everyone is suicidal

They are simply waiting for the other shoe to drop

Most days are easier to live than others

Those "Others" feel like my brain swings the mood around like a pendulum and I truly dont know what emotion I'm going to feel next in the up coming hours

The swings are usually very logical jumps to illogical or irrational thoughts

I just lock in, even if my idiation gets worse and worse to the point its crushing and I can't sleep for days or I wake up sleepless in the middle of nights and the nightmares at times haunting my wake through anxious fantasies that plague my eyes open or shut

Is it ok to wake up every day in a chase for the dopamine hit I need to keep going? because if I cant find it

Well

Ever since I started watching anime there was something alluring to them

No matter who they killed

What they did

Or who they became

The bottom line remained as my favorite

Watching them on screen just be so happy made me happy

They were so overzealous with their entire life

Its almost like their entire life is joyous and something to be excited to live through

They way they live for what they do

And the fact that they stand on what they live for whole heartedly even though to the outside world has deemed its insane

It doesnt matter

THEY like it

Folding clothes

Waiting tables

Working at the register

It could be anything

All smiles and laughs when you turn around to greet the next customer but your smile eviscerates when your eyes finally take in the world around you

Or lack there of

Transported

A voidic abyss

Everyone's gone

Mist tendrils lap up at your sides climbing up your legs, your hands your chestyourneck.

Chains rocking back and forth carried by the whistle of winds

Your eyes dart around

The source of this uneven shift in tone is drawing near

Hoves march on forward

Evenly

Like a solider

A soldier in a battle from long ago

A battle you have long left behind thinking you finally kicked it to death

The horse

Flesh peeling away to reveal bones and numerous lashings, patchy fur, hair guided by the wind and mist

It stares at you

You stare at it

Blink once more

Your back

What once was an ever encompassing abyss now shriveled away, as if in fear of LED lights

Eyes rolling around in my head with the TV light the only thing illuminating my face

The clock finally hits the time Ive been waiting for

Flashlight, blanket, and the will to get out of my warm bed and facing the dark stairs below

Down the spiral of flights with my flashlight in hand and blanket in toe

3 stories down I sit at the stairs with the door looming down the hall to my right and pitch black to my left

I start to shiver just like the laundry machine thumping in the dark to my left

It all feels scary but I tell myself I am brave

Its almost time anyway

Just as soon as I started to slump against the wall I am kick started awake when I hear that door click click click

My dad is home

I abandon the blanket and flashlight

There is no point in shining a light on fear when he is home

I am safe now

In his arms or should I say torso

His coat is cold but it doesnt even feel that way because he is warm

I scurry back to my blankets as he takes off his shoes and we catch up

The long way down feels like a short escalator ride on the way up

As he tucks me in before he turns off the TV his expression changes

His arm reaches into his black hole of a coat pocket and takes out a ducktails triple CD bundle

He makes me promise I won't stay up watching it but not before he tells me how cool it is and how he used to watch it with his little brother

I wish I could disobey him but I am simply too tired

Its too bad

I used to have many more memories just like this

It seems I have forgotten them just as you have forgotten yourself

If I wasn't your daughter, would you like me now

Back then Id say yes in a heartbeat

Now Im not so sure

I hate the fact that in my clause and conditions part of my contract that I get written off as little to non in the sexual and romantic department

Is it true to me?

Yes, very much so

But no one talks about the handful of times when that little to non part starts acting out

It feels like im not even myself

Like a viral infection has taken over and I must act in ways that are foreign to my normal mannerisms

Its as if I got tossed all around and now I think left is down and right is up

People say that you should confess

If only confessing these feelings wasn't akin to walking into the wooden booth with lattice windows as you sit down to repeat those age old words "Father forgive me for I have sinned"

Self-doubt crawling through every dirty thought and guilt dragging my shoulders down

"If only these thoughts and feelings were more common

Maybe I'd be normal

And maybe someone could love me normally"

Every time I come to the same conclusion

I am afraid

Afraid of your touch

So much so I cover myself entirely

The concept of skin on skin contact is like putting flint to steel

I am afraid

Afraid that if we get to the point of touching, even if it something beyond holding hands that I will enjoy it

That enjoyment confuses me

I am afraid

Afraid that what if we do connect I dont like it like everyone else

I reflect back my own sexuality time and time again

I am probably just kidding myself- but if I was why does it feel so different

I am afraid

Afraid that you will want more than I can ever give

I never seem to be able to give enough

I am afraid

Afraid that it'll be just like how I felt in middle school

Smothered, triggered, petrified, pressure slowly squeezing the life out of me leaving me full of panic and scaring or hurting you in the process

I am afraid

Afraid that if I pursue this our friendship won't come back like it did

And this time won't be like how it was in middleschool

I am afraid

That I won't be able to hold your emotions with the care you need them to be held with

And let's face it ive never been the best at holding many people's emotions, its hard to know what to say right here right now

I am afraid

Afraid that I myself will fall back

Never letting anyone in because I had to save myself time and time again

I am afraid

Afraid of all of these thoughts and emotions towards you

They've always been there But never so loud and never so intense and even lustful

It all makes me want to shake my head and clear it like an etch a sketch

I am afraid

Afraid that maybe I like you for all the wrong reasons

Am I a bad person for it?

Its always the thing I love the most that gets fucked over hard

I feel like Im watching it happen again

I get groomed

I become scared of people in similar positions as before

I dont trust myself

I stop doing what I love.

It all becomes a distant memory

How can I trust him, or me, or anyone

I cant believe he acts like this around me

Im only 17 and he knows that

Yea but hes like 21 isn't he? Its not that bad of an age gap

This conversation structure has been said to me multiple times in multiple ways

I start off by saying something I am uncomfortable with

The person responds from their point of view and pretty much ignored the reason why I even chose to speak in the first place

I decided to speak because I felt uncomfortable

I chose to speak because of my years of constant sexualization by men of varying ages

I wanted to express my point of view and it be addressed

And yet it goes ignored once again

But in being ignored in this sort of faction allows for a different point if view

I have seen this many times before

So much so when it even dares to reveal a sliver of its self I already know.

"You still look so beau- good. You still look pretty good"

We all know you want to say it

With the way you compliment and talk about my features in a nonchalant undercover way

But I know

And I hate that I know

They say to speak out when it happens

Time and time again

For years when I do

People hear but dont listen

I throw out my silent plea

Nothing

No matter how grotesque I phrase it

They still keep their job

And the world for everyone else keeps spinning

But mine stops

Every time it does its abrupt break in routine throws my whole life in disarray

I am flung forward wether I like it or not

And deal with the reprocusions of this pausing of time

Before I know it

Im back

I realize the conversation is over

I remember the election night for Kamala and Trump like it was yesterday

I was at work

There was a little lady sitting and repeatedly asking for more tea in her mug

As I passed her by she seemed to catch my eye and shattered into my hands it seemed

She just looked at me almost melancholic and yet frantic as she shook with her tea

She played out her troubles and fears of the election, saying just even being in the room with a TV sent her into a spiral of anxiety

Thats why she's here

I couldnt help but nod in agreement but I made a face

She seemed to understand what I was trying to say

Her eyelashes looked so delicately as she lowered them sipping on her tea

All I could respond with was I completely understand ma'am, thats why im working tonight

I drove home in silence

Burst through the door to my mom's room

We watched the race till it was almost 11pm

My mom ushered use off to bed

I will never forget laying in my bed that night

I sunk in a little deeper than I normally did

I felt a little more uncomfortable than I normally did

I think I sent up what could only be considered to be a prayer, a hope, a dream as I drifted to sleep

"We dreamed for diamonds and gold that night only to wake up with coal" - my friend

I hate that I live in the world of ignorance towards me and the way I decide to live my life to such a degree it infects any sort of relationship Ive ever had and what feels like I get to have

Truly we have come far with our knowledge

But I can not bare to ignore how lonely it is to have these micro comments that cut deep

These comments remind me that their empathy is just skin deep

They dont get it but they just nod their head to make me feel better

Every day Ive gotten better at speaking your language

Every night I lie around knowing I am a bold faced liar

I lie to make you feel comfortable

To fit in

I cant stand that I contort my life to fit your understanding or lack there of, of my own

To talk with people and they understand different degrees of what I say

But when I struggle it becomes strikingly prominent

I am alone in this moment

You don't get it

You cant even comprehend it

No matter how I say it

I just want to talk

Speak freely

My shackles chain me to overexplation and education

Sometimes I am simply just too tired to even try

For the light to shine down on me through the rain

For just a couple seconds

Even one second

A simple umbrella in this hell storm that has been on me for several years

This digital screen can only subdue my yearning

I want someone real

"I hate living in the world in this way

No matter what I am at the mercy of the rich and powerful

At the end of the day if the presidents across the world decide they want to bomb the place they can

The fact that they can chuck bombs over their shoulder like littered cans without a care

No matter what they're the first who can leave

If they really wanted they could go to space

And leave this place

But Im still here

Im

Still

Here.

And I cant escape, even if I wanted to go to a different country

Laying

Stagnant to the world

The most I do is twitch at my thoughts

My head feels like a series of ideas in the shape of pin balls banging around a machine

You could say I'm mad

I want to throw myself off my bed and impale myself into my extention cord below

I want to scratch through my veins and let my blood run free

I want to slam my head into the wall until Im unconscious

Maybe all of these wants could help me in another life

I dont act on them

Im too tired

I just continue to lay as my eyes glaze over the window

The sun sets

I wish I drew myself

She did it

She drew and completed the painting

She defeated the white sheet that was so daunting

I wish I drew myself

I still break into a sweat at even the notion of-

I glance up at the work

I cant stop looking admiring it

I love how her body looks

Observing the weight and control of the media

Its beautiful

I wish I could display my body like that

To have people walk away with the concept of it being beautiful

Nothing more,

Nothing less.

Every glance I take at hers sinks me deeper in tar

Today it has decided to try and drag me down like it always does

And like it always does I end up drowning for a while

The cycle of choking on tar begging for air

Every time I can think about my body on display, it has always been for sex

That fact pulls me down further

And I know it

I eat sleep and breathe that fact

I wish the performance for everyone exept myself could be over

My eyes are cradled in dark circles as they are brought to tears

We all know who's bringing the tears